Scared now...

That's the best word for it, really.  Scared.  How I've always been.  Scared of change.  Scared of the unknown.  Scared of my own shadow.

Following mum's passing in April, it was time for a lot of rest, recovery and reassessment.  Everyone advises no big changes after something like this, and I wasn't especially planning any.  But I wanted some certainty about my future.  That was, and is, important.

My employer had terminated my full-time contract because of the length of time I was off - but they offered me a zero-hours bank contract, which was better in many ways.  Pick and choose my hours.  More flexibility.  The downside would be working sometimes in areas of the business that don't appeal to me and I wouldn't really enjoy.  I like day services.  I like a 9 to 5 routine.

That's why I jumped at the chance again when I saw the local autistic trust advertising for a day support worker.  Just 4 days a week, but still doable because it was a higher salary.  Specialising in care for autistic people.  Activities largely based around community involvement.  All things I like.  They interviewed me on the spot (they'd offered me a job last year, which I had to turn down because of mum, and they remembered me) - and they offered me the job straight away.  Great.  The stability I wanted.  Change and having to get used to new people - but it all felt positive.

The downside was traveling (I could cycle to the old place) and the need to get a car because of the location.  I picked up a car yesterday.  First time I've had one for many years, and in some ways it's good to have that mobility and flexibility again, and not be tied to bus timetables and long bus journeys.  Another big change for me - but again, it felt positive.

Until last night.  We all know about 'middle-of-the-night syndrome', I guess.  Waking at about 2.30... and suddenly finding your head full of crap!  I laid there for about two hours, churning it all over, trying to use the techniques I'd been taught in CBT to diminish the anxiety - the fear.  It worked to some extent, because I eventually managed to get back to a restless form of sleep.  Wake-sleep would be a better way to describe it.

As usual, I was 'awful-ising' it all.  What if it I don't like the job?  What if I have problems with the car?  What if I find it harder than I thought to get by on the money? (take-home will be on a par with the old place, once I take out traveling costs)  What if?  What if?  What if?  And then, on the other side, there was the old job - and the positives.  A known quantity.  Nearer to home, so no need for a car.  Fitting right back in.  And I was happy there - happier, really, than I've been in a workplace for many years.  I used to cross the threshold to the park in the mornings (it's a huge estate) and feel.... safe.  Protected.  Happy.  The downsides could probably be managed in such circumstances.

This is how it always goes.  I suppose it's the same for everyone, ND or not.  But there are a lot of factors at play with me.  Is this too big a change, too soon?  Is it right?  Of course, I can't know until I try it.  Of course, too - the thought that got me to sleep in the end - if it doesn't work out, I can always re-apply to the old place.  They said they'd take me back.  Then I can go back to how I was, sell the car again, etc.

I know I need to stretch myself and broaden my horizons.  Lord knows, in recent years, I've closed myself in a bit.

Maybe I've answered my own questions.  Addressed my own fears - to some extent, anyway.

I just wish this anxiety - which is like a living thing in me now - would go away.

Thanks for reading.

Tom