Published on 12, July, 2020
That's the best word for it, really. Scared. How I've always been. Scared of change. Scared of the unknown. Scared of my own shadow.
Following mum's passing in April, it was time for a lot of rest, recovery and reassessment. Everyone advises no big changes after something like this, and I wasn't especially planning any. But I wanted some certainty about my future. That was, and is, important.
My employer had terminated my full-time contract because of the length of time I was off - but they offered me a zero-hours bank contract, which was better in many ways. Pick and choose my hours. More flexibility. The downside would be working sometimes in areas of the business that don't appeal to me and I wouldn't really enjoy. I like day services. I like a 9 to 5 routine.
That's why I jumped at the chance again when I saw the local autistic trust advertising for a day support worker. Just 4 days a week, but still doable because it was a higher salary. Specialising in care for autistic people. Activities largely based around community involvement. All things I like. They interviewed me on the spot (they'd offered me a job last year, which I had to turn down because of mum, and they remembered me) - and they offered me the job straight away. Great. The stability I wanted. Change and having to get used to new people - but it all felt positive.
The downside was traveling (I could cycle to the old place) and the need to get a car because of the location. I picked up a car yesterday. First time I've had one for many years, and in some ways it's good to have that mobility and flexibility again, and not be tied to bus timetables and long bus journeys. Another big change for me - but again, it felt positive.
Until last night. We all know about 'middle-of-the-night syndrome', I guess. Waking at about 2.30... and suddenly finding your head full of crap! I laid there for about two hours, churning it all over, trying to use the techniques I'd been taught in CBT to diminish the anxiety - the fear. It worked to some extent, because I eventually managed to get back to a restless form of sleep. Wake-sleep would be a better way to describe it.
As usual, I was 'awful-ising' it all. What if it I don't like the job? What if I have problems with the car? What if I find it harder than I thought to get by on the money? (take-home will be on a par with the old place, once I take out traveling costs) What if? What if? What if? And then, on the other side, there was the old job - and the positives. A known quantity. Nearer to home, so no need for a car. Fitting right back in. And I was happy there - happier, really, than I've been in a workplace for many years. I used to cross the threshold to the park in the mornings (it's a huge estate) and feel.... safe. Protected. Happy. The downsides could probably be managed in such circumstances.
This is how it always goes. I suppose it's the same for everyone, ND or not. But there are a lot of factors at play with me. Is this too big a change, too soon? Is it right? Of course, I can't know until I try it. Of course, too - the thought that got me to sleep in the end - if it doesn't work out, I can always re-apply to the old place. They said they'd take me back. Then I can go back to how I was, sell the car again, etc.
I know I need to stretch myself and broaden my horizons. Lord knows, in recent years, I've closed myself in a bit.
Maybe I've answered my own questions. Addressed my own fears - to some extent, anyway.
I just wish this anxiety - which is like a living thing in me now - would go away.
Thanks for reading.
Tom
Thanks a lot for sharing Tom! As stupid as this may sound but it made me feel a little less scared right now to read that others are just like that too. Off to Norway in 5 days, new job, new environment, new flat, new people, new language, new culture, the people and places I'm familar with all very far away... and I'm so fucking scared. Should be almost landing there by that time on Friday, with the cat that will be no less scared by that journey.
Hope it will work out alright for you and that you really like the new place. That's the thing with decisions, isn't it, nobody can know beforehand if they are right or the best, that's always going to cause uncertainty and hence anxiety. Think for the time being I'll try to allow that anxiety to be there rather than getting more worked up about it than about the things causing it and wasting lots of energy fighting the fear that will only get bigger from this...
From what you said earlier I guess there's another thing we have in common: there are people that will help us (in fact they have already helped me quite a lot really) and who don't expect that we are going to function perfectly in every way possible from day one, not just workwise but generally. I'm trying to get it into my head that this is quite an important thing and is very different to the place before. I know, that's different for you, nobody wanted to kick you out at your previous job, but still they will expect in the new place that lots of things changing isn't going to be easy for you to cope with, so even if that does show through at some point they'll hopefully just accept it as part of your journey. And if some aspect of your new job (workwise or otherwise) proves less suitable than you were hoping, perhaps there is even some leeway. Guess the only thing that couldn't be sorted is if you felt totally out of place there generally and couldn't get on with anyone but ,although not impossible, that's fairly unlikely, I'd think (and I'm trying to convince myself of the same too). Little not so ideal things do often get outweighed by other things working well, it doesn't all have to be perfect to be happy (another thing I'm trying to get into my own head too).
Wish you lots of good luck and it would be really nice to hear how it's going (even if that's not always all positive, but I hope overall it will be)!
Hi Oktanol,
Well - if one person's anxieties can help another person to cope with theirs, that's all to the good! Reading what you've said here helps me, too.
I have to say I envy you. Norway is one country that I think I'd like to live in. I feel psychologically homeless now in England. The working-class neighbourhood I grew up in in London no longer exists. It's been gentrified into a soulless, moneyed enclave where all the old shops are now bistros, antique palaces or estate agencies. Same in Devon, where I spent my teens. The quaint market town I lived in is now like Richmond-upon-Thames. Scarcely a native voice is heard. Here, on the Kent coast, is where I've spent most of my life - but it's never really felt like home. Just a place that I live. I've always stayed around, though, because mum was here. Now? Well... for the time being, it'll do. Until I can find enough fellow Aspies to crowdfund an island somewhere! Norway has always struck me as a good country. I like their social ethos. And, of course, there's all that wonderful scenery! Low crime rates, too - like another country I fancy: Iceland.
Thanks for your support. I wish you well in your new life.
I don't know about anyone else....but I am still trying to find home....feel like a bit if a hobo in that respect....someone wise is probably going to say that it is all about finding peace within yourself first!
Mr Tom, sir....are you about to incite and invasion!!....,can we rename Norway "Aspie Island".....would Channel 4 fund it!......would we each live in our own anti-social caves and still communicate via the relatively non threatening means of an online forum......who would be forced to make the phone calls? Would we take turns catching the bus so no-one felt too overwhelmed by noise or overcrowded? The possibilities....would you write the constitution Tom?
my retirement plan.......Scottish island, dog, cat, bottle of single malt and a good fire!
I was meaning to be to be funny as autism translates as self ism and we have the myth of being completely uninterested in anyone but ourselves. I am only ever funny when I don't mean to be, so I apologise and won't do it again!
Sounds good....whose going to vet the potential inhabitants....please eat Tom!
An Aspie friend on Facebook posted something a few months back. She'd found an island for sale - somewhere in the Scottish Highlands, I think - for just over a million. Jokingly, she said 'Here's a great crowdfunding opportunity.' But there was quite a response. I can't remember all the details, I was too preoccupied at the time. But I think it worked out, with 200 people putting in £5,000 each, we'd each have several acres to ourselves. Still a bit populous, maybe. And there would then be the need to construct dwellings of some sort. But it had a few people going for a while. Sadly, not enough were interested - even if it was practicable.
That sounds very ego-centric!!! Fancy being an antagonist in order to drive up channel 4 ratings!!
Btw...Hendrow is smashing your contribution stats.... lol
I like the sound of this island, think it would have to be called "I land"!
At the point of feeling accepted and part of the community....is that when you get voted off the island!
p.s please keep kit on!
Sounds like Heaven to me!
Tell me to shut up, if needs be :)
Never shut up, Mr Warrior...
there is always a tendency to act like an enthusiastic puppy when there is a connection with someone
sorry tom I still thinking of you but got focused on the island thing,all part of me not knowing when to shut up.
Now I have been thinking about an island or community just for people within the autistic spectrum,maybe channel four would fund it but they would have to throw in a few antagonistic types just to get the ratings up? I for one ain't getting my kit off for no one lol.
I meant to sit down and in depth try and work out just what you have said,I had intended to ask on here what others thought would happen?would we accept each other? We are all individuals and all have had varied influences in our lives.who would lead the way?would we be antisocial toward each other.
I think after a short while of adjustment we would become a unique group of people whose way of life gradually became fantastic,why? Because each one of us are living a life in a world we seemingly don't fit into!
No more being afraid of loud crowds as we as a collective would all people watch and not try to get involved. I think some like all types of community would look to lead which in itself could lead to conflict.
On the other hand to start with I believe we would have to help each other to realise everything is now safe! Able to be yourself without judgement.