Published on 12, July, 2020
That's the best word for it, really. Scared. How I've always been. Scared of change. Scared of the unknown. Scared of my own shadow.
Following mum's passing in April, it was time for a lot of rest, recovery and reassessment. Everyone advises no big changes after something like this, and I wasn't especially planning any. But I wanted some certainty about my future. That was, and is, important.
My employer had terminated my full-time contract because of the length of time I was off - but they offered me a zero-hours bank contract, which was better in many ways. Pick and choose my hours. More flexibility. The downside would be working sometimes in areas of the business that don't appeal to me and I wouldn't really enjoy. I like day services. I like a 9 to 5 routine.
That's why I jumped at the chance again when I saw the local autistic trust advertising for a day support worker. Just 4 days a week, but still doable because it was a higher salary. Specialising in care for autistic people. Activities largely based around community involvement. All things I like. They interviewed me on the spot (they'd offered me a job last year, which I had to turn down because of mum, and they remembered me) - and they offered me the job straight away. Great. The stability I wanted. Change and having to get used to new people - but it all felt positive.
The downside was traveling (I could cycle to the old place) and the need to get a car because of the location. I picked up a car yesterday. First time I've had one for many years, and in some ways it's good to have that mobility and flexibility again, and not be tied to bus timetables and long bus journeys. Another big change for me - but again, it felt positive.
Until last night. We all know about 'middle-of-the-night syndrome', I guess. Waking at about 2.30... and suddenly finding your head full of crap! I laid there for about two hours, churning it all over, trying to use the techniques I'd been taught in CBT to diminish the anxiety - the fear. It worked to some extent, because I eventually managed to get back to a restless form of sleep. Wake-sleep would be a better way to describe it.
As usual, I was 'awful-ising' it all. What if it I don't like the job? What if I have problems with the car? What if I find it harder than I thought to get by on the money? (take-home will be on a par with the old place, once I take out traveling costs) What if? What if? What if? And then, on the other side, there was the old job - and the positives. A known quantity. Nearer to home, so no need for a car. Fitting right back in. And I was happy there - happier, really, than I've been in a workplace for many years. I used to cross the threshold to the park in the mornings (it's a huge estate) and feel.... safe. Protected. Happy. The downsides could probably be managed in such circumstances.
This is how it always goes. I suppose it's the same for everyone, ND or not. But there are a lot of factors at play with me. Is this too big a change, too soon? Is it right? Of course, I can't know until I try it. Of course, too - the thought that got me to sleep in the end - if it doesn't work out, I can always re-apply to the old place. They said they'd take me back. Then I can go back to how I was, sell the car again, etc.
I know I need to stretch myself and broaden my horizons. Lord knows, in recent years, I've closed myself in a bit.
Maybe I've answered my own questions. Addressed my own fears - to some extent, anyway.
I just wish this anxiety - which is like a living thing in me now - would go away.
Thanks for reading.
Tom
God, the way my head's doing me in today. First thing... I decide to go to the DIY store in the car (I can do that now) and get some timber and bits to make a kind of enclosed shelf for Daisy to sit on. It'll fit on the window ledge, so she can sit out there in the fresh air and I'll have no fear of her falling or running off.
Got to the car... and I noticed a long paint scuff on the rear wheel arch. I could swear it wasn't there when I got the car because I gave it a thorough look over. But there it is. I've been obsessing over it ever since. How did it get there? I haven't been anywhere, and I know I didn't do it myself. Was it there and I missed it? I don't know. So... before any more ado, I was on the 'net looking for touch-up paints, comparing prices, making calls. As if it really mattered that much when there are so many other things to worry about. But it bugs me. It's just a scuff... but in my mind it's a huge great gash! I can't stop looking at it.
Anyway... made the shelf. My carpentry skills aren't up to much, but it's okay. All I want now it something to enclose the sides. I thought I'd use twine, held in place with thumb tacks. I went to look for the thumb tacks. Couldn't find them. I remembered I had some in my Christmas decorations box. I went to the cupboard where I store it... and there was mum's Christmas stuff, which I brought back when I cleared the bungalow and put in there out of the way - out of sight, out of mind. I'd forgotten in the interim. I looked at the stuff. There were our cards from our last Christmas.
And then everything came tumbling in. The job, the car, the stupid bloody scuff on the wheel arch that was probably there all along, but I can't be sure....
And now I've realised I've only had a slice of toast all day and it's nearly evening, and the supermarket's closed, and the fridge is empty. So I guess it's a take-away. When I can get my head straight enough to go out.
Sorry. Just emotional overload. Just when you think you're getting somewhere, it's those little things....
eat..,I frequently forget to...,.and it just leads to melt down....
take Daisy for a curry
Tom I have only just back from shopping and straight away everything is winding me up,open the fridge for some cheese and my darling wife has packed it out meaning the cheese is right at the back!i just shut the door! I have had a couple of crisps today so hey ho.
I am not lazy just get frustrated that my idea of order isn't the same as my wife's,she does suffer poor darling, I haven't said anything and won't,maybe I will calm down and start unloading the Shelf? BUT if I drop something or it falls out I will probably flip? You are not alone in your anxiety or my intolerance to simple things, for peters sake I know only I take sugar but why put it way back against the wall behind stuff not being used? Answer because it has to look right,,,,really!?
You Guy's, (Wry Smile) I feel privileged to witness the goings on in your lives, (Genuine) Thankyou.