Tired of miss communicating problems

Yes true thanks for your help it is making me for the first time in my whole lifenfeel understood and accepted

There's a lot of people who know much more about this than me, CloudNine, but I have come across this before. It's really a lack of knowledge that made your family think you were somehow 'evil' or 'anti-social' and they probably thought you were just looking for excuses to explain your behaviour, because many kids do this.

It's a bit surprising that even after you were diagnosed your mom thought it was her fault for how you were. This just shows how unaware people can be and how they love to stick to their prejudices because, I guess, they are used to them. But really, there's no excuse nowadays because there's so much information online about autism and sites like this one.

I just feel a bit sorry for the lack of understanding and patience the people in your life have shown you and at least you can get things off your chest with people here, who know what you have gone through and continue to go through.

Ok thank you it is wierd i do not see my partner as all them this i just think its me and my fault but when u mention it it does open my eyes and realise maybe i am not just being over sensitive maybe we both need to adjust and not just me thanks for the advise. My family have never understoood me esp my mom and i do not socialise with them because they see me as just anti social and rude because i do not see them. I like my space but maybe too much. When i told my mom about the diagnosis i said i wish we pushed for this when i was tounger so i could have got the right support and she had a go at me and said i was a good mother i tried everything i could and i jusr thought after all this time you still dont understand me and i thought why do i bother try and get that connection with family when everything just falls out of place all the time. I didnt mean anything rude by it i didnt say mom you are a bad mom or anything i just said i wish we pushed for it to get the right support sooner. It makes me not want to try and get my family to understand me as their opinions are already based on im just the way i am and for them to understand all along the problems that have occured to do with me not enjoying their birthday parties and needing my space when sharing a room with two sisters and getring stressed being on top bunk because of how bright the light was ect they will not relate it to aspergers just see it as im as my mom always called me the devils child i just egnore that i should be close to them and find it hard some days to accept i dont speak to any of them or that im not close to any of them. Other days i prefer it that way because i cant get hurt. 

Have a look at this link CloudNine:

www.autism.org.uk/partners

Ok thank you it makes me feel like for once someone is sticking up for me and i feel like i am not just trying to fight loosing battles on my own. I start to believe the things said to me and i can flip into this feeling straight away that i want to die and not be here. I do make sure the kids are not around when we argue and so does he because we both experienced our parents arguing when young and i wouldnt want my children to feel that scared feelig i used to feel. But thanks for helping me to understand and believe in myself . I find it draining trying to communicate with him because it always ends up in argument. Let ke give u an example. Last night my daughter qoke up crying and i said maybe she is havi a bad dream is it ok if i bring her in our room and let her sleep in the bed with uss to make sure she isnt scared. He then said u do that but im not sleeping next to her crying im going to sleep in the spare room. And i said i am tired of having to choose between you and the kids all the time and i went to calm her down and put her back to sleep and it started a big argument where he said im immature and he gets annoyed with her in the bed as he cant sleep and i said but as parents you just deal with that so your child feels safe and comfort at night time. I find it hard to but i put up with the crying because i love her and he said im a D**head and i am stupid and emotional i tried to then say dont called me that and then he said shutup stop speaking over me and i said i kno im sorry its the aspergers i am just trying ...then he carried on shouting at me and i ended up flipping and shouting just shutup let me just say what i need to say. Then i said basically i was planning to sleep with the baby between us in bed and we both enjoy her company and both make her feel comforted and have a nice night and go to sleep like normal i was trying to say i dont want to have to choose between having the baby in the bed or you i just wanted us as a family in bed as i get a lot of comfort off that and as a child i always loved sleepi next to my parents and i wanted to give her that and wanted him to not get mad at me and then i said im sorry for the way i worded it because he was really angry at me and all along i wanted it to be like a compliment to tell him dont go in the spare room i would love you to sleep with us too and i tried to explain to him now we are both upset and i didnt want that i wanted us all to be happy tonight and not have him upset with me. He said ill never change and we will never get on and to shutup about aspwrgers and not even blame it on that because im using excuses to get away with what i say. At the end of it i thought why am i trying to even live and get on with people because i will always be the same and hated especially if the man i love hates me for it syrangers will and i will never fit in ever i just felt so sad thats why i posted on here because i was crying thinking i have nobody and i felt so alone in the house and just thought theres no point in trying to be alive. I also get sad that the kids when they grow up will trwat me like my partner and hate me for and they are the only people left that love me on this earth that i dont want to be hurt by me 

Judging by what you have said, CloudNine, it looks to me like he's a bit immature and has a pretty fragile ego if he thinks you are having a go at him, when you are not - not really.

Although it's not your fault, is there any way you could be a bit more careful in what you say to him? You know the kinds of things that seem to upset him so wouldn't it be a good idea to try to avoid these as much as possible? Not easy, I know, but maybe you have to be a better 'actor.'

This might stop the situation from escalating into a full-blown row every time he gets upset.

Ok true. The argument always starts when i have said something the wrong way and i expect he will reply and be happy and glad with me but then because he starts shouting and arguing inthink oh no why is he being like this what did i say or act wrong to get a bad response off him. Then i start to get upset and say dont get angry and he will say im too emotional and pick up on every little thing he does or says and im trying to explain the whole time it wasnt meant to end up like this i was planning we were happy and he was going to be ok woth what i said and feell happy that im trying to be caring towards him but he can get angry at this like he says my tone of voice is pissed off or i shouted or the word i actually said was out of order or that i described something totally away from what i was meant to say and it just gets out of hand completely i just end up in a big problem when i didnt want that i just was meant to be nice. When he says hurtful things i get upset and i will be nasty back to make him feell how i feel and understand im hurtingnso he needs to hurt too so he understands its not nice but this makes it get worse

See, I'm not there when you and he are fighting so I can't judge how much it's the Aspergers and how much it's because you are just being mean. I'm not saying you are, so don't get me wrong CloudNine, but from what you say if it really is due to your Aspergers I think he has the problem, not you.

To me, if he really loves you he should be more understanding and try to find out more about your communication problems, which are not your fault. But if he doesn't want to try to understand you and prefers to think it's just you being argumentative then maybe your relationship isn't as strong as it should be....

I'm just wondering if he needs more time to come to terms with the fact of your Aspergers. It's ok to give him more time but the question is how much time?

Thanks this is the first tine i have really spoken out about it and it is so nice to realise i am not alone as i thought i was. I have no friends and i stay in my house 24/7 so my only communication is with my partber and a few family members when they turn up once a month or so. I think i need to try and meet people that can relate with me as i have never fitted in or been able to have friends since primary school and nursery and there are times i get really upset and lonely and feel i should just not be on this earth because i was born into a world i dont fit in. Thank you for replying to my problem i feel a aense of understanding finally. And we have gone through the things on this page together so he understands me better but i think because i have always been like this since he met me 5 years ago. Now that it has come to light that it is aspergers, he finds it hard to see my behaviour as aspergers behaviour and i cant really explain this well. But i mean like he will say for example do nit blame it on the aspergers it is just you and you have always been like this from when you lived with your mom and you will never change and i will say but all my life ive had aspergers and thats why and now i can say i am behaving this way because of my aspergers as now we have a name for it and he will say shutup stop making excuses for yourself u are just a d***head i can never win to be honest its hard

CloudNine, it sounds to me like he could do with some education about AS.

Would it be possible for him to look up the problems of Aspies?

There is information about autism on this site, but would he be preapared to look?