Intense eye contact

I am so with you all accounts!! The issues of personal touch was largely responsible for my marriage dissolving. But I didn't know I was AS until I was 52 yo, long after the divorce.

I am similar to the post above. In fact, some NT people have told me my eye contact is "too intense", but I also switch between eyes and mouth (I'm also half deaf in one ear). If a person talks to me, but I can't see their face, I don't 'hear' them. Sometimes when I realize I'm staring at a person and realize it, I have difficulty with which eye to follow and often switch back and forth for a few seconds, then look away. I will also mention that as a females, NT men often interpret my direct eye contact as a signal that I am interested in them. I'm not, but that's how they think. And I have been told I make other women (nt) nervous. This was all stressful when I was in academia.

Hi loveknowledge87. To answer some of your questions from my own perspective, I find social interaction exhausting because I, frankly, can't see the point of it, really. For me, other than to relay information to someone, I don't feel the need to say anything, in particular, so when I am forced into "small-talk" I find it uncomfortable and hard to keep track of what is being said because I tend to "zone out", concentrating on the TV, music, or what is going on around me.

I find that physical touch is totally unnecessary for me, also. I feel no desire to be touched by anyone, for any reason. Indeed, if I am suddenly touched in an intimate way, such as a hug or kiss, I will often react angrily and push the person away. However, if it's an expected, I can put up with it, but I would never instigate it.

That's how I feel from my perspective, but I am sure that many others on here will feel differently.

I am suddenly trying to learn as much as I can about autism and this has really shocked me! This sounds exhausting!! Does social interaction exhaust you because of the amount of concentration you must use to be able to comprehend the information and then form an appropriate response? Also, do you find you connect more to people's souls? How does physical touch relay information to you...like, is it easier for you to com municate through touch as opposed to words? Do you crave touch or is it true that many autistics do not like to be touched at all!!!?

I do the intense eye-contact thing. I also switch between eyes and mouth.

I do intense eye contact because that's my only method of "connecting" with someone, because the eyes are a personal, intimate space into someone's head. Conversation is a concious act - meaning that my subconcious doesn't process conversation like a neurotypical's brain would, I have to hear the words and think about them as a concious act, before I can then form a response and check it's correct - so I focus on the eyes because I need to mentally focus and concentrate whilst someone is talking to me.

I also switch down to the lips for redundancy - getting the same message through multiple channels to make sure I get it all, lipreading as well as hearing the words. It's all about focussing intently so I can get all the information they are giving me, as they are giving it to me.

Hope that's helped with the 'science' of your question.

i always did that locked-eyes thing, it's one of the thousands of reasons why i was surprised to be diagnosed with autism, but i've heard it's common. If you had difficulty reading facial expressions, you would have to stare a lot to take it in. As for the sexuality thing, maybe personal space and touching would have to be the guide... People always thought i fancied them, only when i finally realised i was so short sighted did i find out my seeing distance was their uncomfortable invasion of personal space distance.

Thanks for your response. I think its him being relaxed around me, which is a positive thing that is important here. Ive also read the info re eye contact. All in all we have a good working rel and he appreciates the support i give him, which is what matters. I just wanted some deets on here from the experts

Reading your first post (about eye contact) I thought about how some people describe focussing past someone but looking in the right direction so that it appears they are making eye contact. On the other hand, some people look at the mouth because it's near enough to the eyes for someone else to think it's eye contact, or because lipreading can help some people with auditory processing difficulties. So based on the eye contact issue as you described it, I wasn't convinced that the student fancied you, although I think it would be impossible to judge the situation remotely via an online forum with only this information.

When you later mention about him liking his space, and yet being physically close to you, this seems a more tangible behaviour/discrepancy to think it could indicate something. If you find it to be an unsuitably close distance or could be a precursor to other behaviour then you should consider how to raise this with him. Or, as you say later, it could be an indication of feeling relaxed (rather than having a crush on you). Even if he has a crush, he may already be sufficiently aware of the boundaries and skilled not to act further on his feelings.

Do you have a means of professional support, e.g. colleagues or manager, where you could discuss this situation and individual in more detail and collaboratively work out how to respond (if this is needed)?

westie said:

Hi and thankyou to both of you for your comments. I haven't got Aspergers and so your replies are both valuable to me. I wouldnt and couldnt enter a relationship with him due to work regulations,  but i did need some guidance re the signals he is giving off. He has mentioned that he doesnt like being touched by people and he likes his space, yet there has been times when he has got close to me when going through some work. I suppose really im asking with all these signals is it a case of, do you think, that he has a good amount of trust in me? Does he feel comfortable around me? Im asking this bc given how he is i do feel that this is something i can be proud of, that he does feel 'relaxed'.

Thanks

It certainly sounds like that's the case, westie.  I've worked with people over the years who've been - on the account of colleagues - very difficult to work with.  Yet I've managed to work well with them.  Partly, I think, it's about identifying with them at a level that cannot be instilled by training.  Good carers are born, not trained.  So it sounds like you've broken that barrier and developed a natural rapport.  You're trusted, because you're showing respect and understanding.

Having said that, of course... if you begin to get 'advances' that aren't welcome, then you need to make it understood - however you can - that such things aren't appropriate.  It can be a delicate situation.  But I think you'll manage it.  You sound like you know what you're doing and are very professional in your approach.

Hi and thankyou to both of you for your comments. I haven't got Aspergers and so your replies are both valuable to me. I wouldnt and couldnt enter a relationship with him due to work regulations,  but i did need some guidance re the signals he is giving off. He has mentioned that he doesnt like being touched by people and he likes his space, yet there has been times when he has got close to me when going through some work. I suppose really im asking with all these signals is it a case of, do you think, that he has a good amount of trust in me? Does he feel comfortable around me? Im asking this bc given how he is i do feel that this is something i can be proud of, that he does feel 'relaxed'.

Thanks

Pixiefox said:

If you wanted to have a relationship with him (if that's allowed?)  it would be best to invite him out for a coffee somewhere you could talk privately and ask him how he feels about you. Aspie men are often shy and would be scared of making the first move, and appreciate people being honest and open with them.

I, too, work with adults with autism - and such a relationship would certainly not be allowed.  Boundaries have to be maintained.  It's not an easy one. 

As an Aspie male, I can certainly confirm to being scared of making the first move!  I never have been able to.  One girlfriend, a few years ago, actually said to me after we got together 'It was driving me crazy how you kept missing the signals.' 

What signals?

Looking back, I know I've missed opportunities. I've been given telephone numbers, asked questions, etc... and never made the connection.  Ah well...

I hope it all works out satisfactorily, westie.  Sorry I can't offer much help.  I couldn't even maintain eye contact even if I was interested in the other person!  I can only do it if I'm actually in a relationship with the other person - but I'm still very uncomfortable with it.

Tom

This is very interesting. I'm an"Aspie" female, married to an Aspie male and I used to wonder why people often seemed uncomfortable with him, and I think it's because his eye contact is sometimes quite prolonged/ intense and so I believe they can feel threatened. I think it's because when he meets someone new he is concentrating on weighing up what they are saying and trying to "read" them. 

Luckily I have learnt how to do "correct" eye contact and people usually seem comfortable talking to me. I think males often have more difficulty with this than females.

I can't advise as to whether he is attracted to you. Even Aspies can have problems reading Aspies - we're all individuals and don't always behave the same way (which is why we often don't get accepted into social groups)

If you wanted to have a relationship with him (if that's allowed?)  it would be best to invite him out for a coffee somewhere you could talk privately and ask him how he feels about you. Aspie men are often shy and would be scared of making the first move, and appreciate people being honest and open with them.

But if you're not interested or it's not allowed, just continue to treat him in a professional way and if he does exhibit any inappropriate behaviour, explain to him that it is inappropriate (in a private setting) while assuring him that you enjoy working with him and want to help him achieve his full potential. 

Good luck,  Pixie