Do you ever feel ashamed of being autistic?

Aimosan, your post could almost be referring to my own experiences. People always tried to change me and make me someone I'm not. I have also had people acting like I behave the way I do just to be annoying, probably because I don't really stim much and got pretty good at acting 'normal' for short periods of time. I've often felt that I'm stupid because other people acted like I am.

It's amazing that you're running craft classes! It's always heartwarming to see people with ASDs helping out their community. What other work do you do for the NAS?

Yeah, you're not alone.  I've spent my whole life trying to 'fit in' to society, as if there was something wrong with me.  The autistic traits were noticed in my brother when he was very young, but with me, because I'm female, it always seemed to be because I was annoying, being picky, fussy.  And, I was always slagged off by other girls because I didn't share their interests, and I wouldn't attempt to socialise so I was always called cold and b**chy.  And, when I did try and socialise, it was always 'done the wrong way'.  Apparently everything I did was wrong, people always kept trying to correct everything I did and tried to make me to be a certain way.  I spent years analysing people and trying to act like them.  Had a job in cosmetics thinking spending more time with girls would help me learn how to socialise, but it just ended with me resenting them even more.  It wasn't until years of battling anxiety, OCD, and depression because of all this that it was mentioned to me in my early twenties (by chance, by a new doctor who had another autistic female in her care) that I was probably autistic.  Then everything made sense.

It's been about 5 years since this was mentioned, but I'm still stuck with those feelings in my head that there is something wrong, I should act a certain way, and that I'm stupid.  I really don't want any person on the autism spectrum to think they are stupid, because they are normally far from it.  I just wish I could've believed myself and not all the bullies and adults who called me that over the years.  I hope that the work I do now with the NAS and with years to come my confidence will start growing again and that I can help other people who may feel this way.  It's why I'm starting to run craft classes at my local one stop shop, because I feel craft is good for people on the spectrum to help build their confidence, as there is no right or wrong when creating something artistic.

I do wish sometimes though I didn't go so far out of my way to cover up all my traits (or, imperfections as others seen them as).  it would make my life so much easier.  My current employer have been particularly good with it, but how do you explain to someone that you were 10 minutes later for work because the covers on the bed didn't look right and you needed to rectify that before you could leave the house?  No wonder I see it as a weakness to be ashamed of sometimes...

Oh yes, I have definitely felt ashamed of being autistic. I have had very little relevant support growing up - mostly I've just been told to "behave" by my mother. I never got to read any books about Aspergers or autism when I was young and grew up thinking Aspergers basically made one "crazy". That is literally the only way I've thought of myself - "crazy" or "mental". I was badly behaved at school, mostly through frustration at people seemingly deliberately misunderstanding me constantly as well as bullying from pupils and staff alike. I was made to think I was inherently bad from a very young age.

As a result of this, I have been modifying and hiding nearly every aspect of my behaviour almost non-stop through my childhood and teens. It got to the point where I don't even know who I am anymore. I have essentially become half a person.

But here's the silver lining: I now know that I am not alone in feeling like this. The more autistic people I speak to, the more I realise that there are so many others in the same boat as me. It is horrible that we are made to feel ashamed of ourselves as we really shouldn't be. Society needs to change to the point where having a "disability" doesn't make you instantly be seen as weak and less-than-human. Humanity needs to realise that there are over 7 billion individuals living on this planet and we need to start accommodating for that instead of trying to force us all to be the same. Together we can beat the ignorance

I am fortunate in being autistic in a family with many autistic members. There are others like me and that makes me feel validated, I had an autistic parent and have autistic nieces too. We can look at each other and see its possible to live fulfilled lives. Not lives without problems or stress its true and there are dark times of course. But we know we're different and that the difference is a good and valid one.

Like recombinantsocks I have found things I like to do and places I like to be. Daily I'm discovering new things about being autistic in a world that has no idea what I am. Pretend you're a Martian on a covert mission to earth, its pretty similar to being autistic! And remember there are heaps of other Martians to help you out.

Ont the bad days remember what David Mitchell says in the preface to The Reason I Jump - every autistic person is a hero.

No Human is perfect and we all go through difficult periods in our lives whether we are Autistic or not.  It is true that Autistic people go through a higher proportion of their lives with difficulties than so called NTs.

David

When I was younger, I would have dearly loved to have been a great footballer. I wanted to play on the school team. I admired George Best, Bobby Charlton and all of the great players. I now totally understand that I was never cut out to be a good footballer but my lack of ability in that area doesn't make me sad.

I always hated going to discos, loud busy places that everyone else seems to enjoy. I was always baffled by how much fun other people seemed to have. I now understand why this was so. I accept my dislike of such things as a fact of life. I chose not to go to such places but I don't envy the people who do go and enjoy those things. I don't waste any time wishing it were any different.

I do enjoy reading books and scouring the internet for new things to learn. I have to stop myself doing this for too long as there are other things I have to do.

I enjoy a good argument with one of the small number of good friends I have. We can set the world to rights and listen to each other and enjoy the cut and thrust of argument. We don't have to agree with each other but we can accept our differences and absorb and refine our thoughts as we go.

I enjoy going to quiet places such as National Trust houses. I have worked out that one of the reasons I like this is that there are very few people there and the people that are there are people that I find agreeable.

At work, I am surrounded by noisy people who talk very loudly and this used to cause me stress. I now enjoy being able to shut them out whenever I like by using noise cancelling headphones. In this case I have turned my former stress into a source of satisfaction. I enjoy being able to control whether they annoy me or not.

I haven't worked out how to make my bosses understand me and this is still causing me stress but I can do something about this. I can look for another job or I can work out how to make friends with them and influence them. I have some choice about all of the things that stress me. I can choose to deal with stress in a way that I can't choose to not have Asperger's.

But a very disabling 'difference'; one that can impair both mental and physical health. If you are prone to stress, you can read self help books, exercise, eat healthily, practice meditation, and so on; but Asperger's is a brain condition that can make stress a natural part of everyday life, and there is only so much you can do to deal with it. Asperger's can't be cured; Asperger's by definition causes stress; stress can be modified, not cured; therefore it is likely that people with Asperger's live shorter lives, and are more prone to certain diseases.

In an ideal world, a person with Asperger's could live peacefully - as far as this is possible. But we live in a noisy world, our senses are always under assault, we misinterpret things, and all this has one result: stress, stress, adrenal exhaustion, poor health. This is by no means inevitable, but Asperger's makes all this a lot more likely. So I can never be pleased about having Asperger's, no more than someone can be pleased about having any other life limiting condition, but I can focus on my unique strengths (resiliance, fortitude and motivation) to get me through life. I am pleased to be me, but Asperger's and me are not the same thing.

A good friend of mine gave me a book on this a few years ago when, pre diagnosis, I was going through a very Victor Meldrew phase. Everything was going wrong, I was arguing with people in shops, I couldn't seem to get anyone to understand me and I was angry, stuff was getting broken, life was s$*!.

The main message in the book is that there is simply no point in being angry. Anger only attacks the self, it doesn't make anything better. If you can realise the futility of anger as an emotion then you can start to move on.

This thread has brought out a lot of hate and anger at the label that diagnosis gives us. It can give us an excuse for things to be miserable. In my case, the diagnosis has been an explanation for a shed load of stuff that caused me immense grief until I found that I could refer to books and this forum to figure out what to do to make my life better. I'm not cured and know and accept that I will never be cured. What is the point in worrying about something that you can't do anything about?

There is a modern stream of HR management that says that people should identify their strengths and work on exploiting them. This is found to be much better for staff happiness and productivity (the two go hand in hand) than identifying peoples weaknesses and beating people up because they are bad at something.

Guys, can you think of the things that you are good at and start to think about how to use those strengths rather than keep reminding yourselves that you have a label that excuses you from being yourselves. We are all different, not better or worse, to everyone else. Don't beat yourself up because of something that is just part of you. It isn't a defect, it's a difference.

Shame? a little yea, but thats not the main emotion it provokes, because thats anger.

i hate myself, quite justifiably for every weakness, even if i have been lumbered as i have with this blight, this curse, its no excuse for the failings it causes me to have, there is no excuse for weakness of the mind, it must be fought to be overcome with every action and breath. NEVER do anything to warrant the vindication of people fortunate enough to be born with stable brains, then maybe you can not feel shame. otherwise, live with your curse as best you can, maybe beleive the nonsense about people with aspergers being somehow special (a lie to make us 'feel better') if it gets you through the day.

Do not let people blame your Autism.

I often feel like screaming if I were to die suddenly my Autism would stop but the worlds problems would continue.

For example a woman insisted on staying in my flat.

I chucked out in a Restuarant as she was expecting me to pay for things not needed.

She has the cheek to tell her friend that she cannot live with me as I am Autistic.

The problem is NOT that I am Autistic.

The problem is she no where to live as she rented her house out to someone who refuses to leave.  The problem is that she has made herself intentionally homeless.

She has since she left me  being in places for the mentally ill and squatted with other people.

I did say in a previous E Mail that people with Autism should ask for extra assistance at College and at work and if possible on Holidays.

David.

Do not let people blame your Autism.

I often feel like screaming if I were to die suddenly my Autism would stop but the worlds problems would continue.

For example a woman insisted on staying in my flat.

I chucked out in a Restuarant as she was expecting me to pay for things not needed.

She has the cheek to tell her friend that she cannot live with me as I am Autistic.

The problem is NOT that I am Autistic.

The problem is she no where to live as she rented her house out to someone who refuses to leave.  The problem is that she has made herself intentionally homeless.

She has since she left me  being in places for the mentally ill and squatted with other people.

I did say in a previous E Mail that people with Autism should ask for extra assistance at College and at work and if possible on Holidays.

David.

I have always been ashamed to be me and although my diagnosis last year helped me answer the questions about why I am like I am, I've still not got there with accepting it yet. People tell me that accepting it will come in time.

There is ASD in my family but it seems to have only affected boys and when you combine that with hypersensitivities preventing me from wearing make up or certain kinds of fashionable women's clothing, I'm really not feeling very feminine at all.

I'm angry with myself for being born the way I was and think it would have been better if I hadn't have been born at all. My mum doesn't say this and I don't even think that she thinks it but I wish that I hadn't been born.

I am doing a Computer Course at College and I get learning support.

That means a lady explains to me what the Tutor has asked us to do or shows me the various things on the Computer.  If I did not get the support I would either leave or get thrown off the course.  People used to complain about me getting extra support.

Now the others accept I need the extra support.

The others who have not filled in the form have been told not to ask the person who gives learning support.

Do you agree that people with Autism need extra learning support.?

David

Hi, I cannot pretend to know in any way how you are feeling, I have a young son with autism and when I read this my eyes pricked with tears and my heart stopped at the thought he could feel as you do. Don't ever be ashamed, you are perfect as you are. even "normal" people have these feelings. Talk to your family, tell them how you are feeling. You should be proud of yourself everyday for all the small successes you have x

Hi Liv

I'm really sorry that you are feeling bad about your autism. I doubt that I'm going to be able to lift you out of your mood myself as I can see, and you have said, how you are affected by your depression. I know what depression can feel like and watched my father suffer from it for many years, I know it is a really serious thing.

Have you got any people to talk to that have come out the other side of it? I suspect that you won't be able to take much notice of people that haven't gone through it but it might help to talk to other people who have either come through it or are battling with it in their daily lives.

One of the unfortunate and unavoidable features of this forum is that people mainly come here in a state of distress with some major problem on their plate. The picture here will be much more negative than an overall view of many sufferers who are successfully getting on with their lives but who don't have the time or interest to hang about here.

I hope you can find some way to unlock the real you and get some more fulfilment and interest back in your life. I really think that the future is brighter than what you are going through at the moment.

I also know how irritating and exasperating and challenging it is to have autism. It is a daily challenge and I have good days and bad days with it myself. On a good day I see it as a puzzle to be solved, a mountain to be climbed and I can see my good points. On a bad day it is desparate and Churchill's "Black Dog" is in charge. Try and remember the possibilities rather than the problems, remember the good days and try to get through the bad.

Take care :-)

RS

Hi Liv, Hi Hope,

  I'm reading a book by Valerie Gaus called 'Living Well on The Spectrum.' I'm only a qtr through at the moment, but i'm finding quite helpful. According to my therapist it's also reccommended on their reading list. It outlines how to use your strengths to meet the challenges of ASD/ AFH. Perhaps it maybe of some help.

Hope, Have you considered working for yourself? I started part-time because it's all I could manage and it's been very rewarding. I'm a long way from making a profit, but you get to choose the hours/days you work (which keeps stress levels managable) and to do something you enjoy. Worth a consderation perhaps....

Take Care

Coogy

Do you have any interests Liv? I think that if you have something you care deeply about, this can help to distract you from your problems  and make your life a relatively happy one. I know that you have Depression the illness, and as such, you will probably always be prone to depressive thinking, just like I am prone to anxious thinking. But I have found that hobbies and interests provide a release from the anxiety, and they may help you with your Depression as well. Likewise, voluntary work, exercise, can all help.

I have had bad feelings about being Autistic, so you are not alone. I have sometimes felt defiled and defective, even diseased, and envious of the 'normal' and successful people in my family. I do come from a family of high achievers, and I am the only one who has not really succeeded in terms of a job, relationship, career. I know, in theory, these things 'could' still happen, but they seem exceedingly unlikely because of the severity of my condition. My Asperger's itself is not obvious or outwardly severe, but the traits severely curtail my life in a very 'invisible' way. I also have co-existing OCD, which in my case is definitely biochemical and probably part of the neurological deal I have been handed in life.

I do sometimes feel like I am hiding a 'dirty secret', but my parents have certainly helped to reinforce these feelings in the past, before I was diagnosed. Unfortunately I was  labelled a 'problem child', and punished for things that were out of my control - my OCD rituals, for example. This resulted in me having tantrums, so I handed up being punished twofold. Nowadays my parents are more understanding, but I still feel like the odd one out in my family. I  certainly wish I did not have such a disabling condition, and I cannot identify with those who are proud of their condition. To me, Asperger's is a curse. However, my attitude is that, 'when you are given a lemon, make lemonade', so I try and make the best of a bad situation. I focus on my special interests - the one thing that makes life worth living for me - and try and challenge myself and overcome my difficulties to the best of my ability. I believe that things can improve and get better, but this does not detract from the fact that I hate, ad yes, can be ashamed of having such a cruel condition.

I would also add, that I am the only person with Asperger's/Autism in my immediate family, so no Autism culture exists. You are not really 'allowed' to have mental health problems/issues in my family, and this has no doubt helped to reinforce my feelings of defilement.

I do not think that my Autism is primarily genetic. During my mum's pregnancy, I stopped growing in the womb and suffered from intrauterine growth restriction. I was  a low-birth weight baby, although I was healthy. My mum was stressed and not eating because her mum had terminal cancer. It seems more than coincidence that I should have a brain problem, considering these events. My brother had no problems in utero, and while we share traits, he is functioning ok, has a girlfriend, a full time job, and has no issues at all.