Do you ever feel ashamed of being autistic?

I may be 'autistic', but only to other people. I onky know my self as the person i am. So it is society that labels me, and as such, i don't recognise this label. I am a human. It is others who are different to me, so i consider them a-typical.

I don't.

I'm proud to be autistic because it makes me who I am. I think we should feel proud and show the rest of the world that we're just different and being different isn't a bad thing.

Where you’re personality with pride, labels only exist to help with explanation.  Take the benefits that exist within autism, that’s what I’ve done, it can be like having a superpower.  It’s made my life much easier and certainly more interesting, it’s nothing to be ashamed about.  Now therw is certain drawbacks but every personality type does, the first step is learning to love yourself and we are all beautiful in our own way, why be a normy, learn to embrace the quirky personality traits and run with it, let off the shackles and embrace the joys of life!!! 

Yes, it's quite old but I'm glad it's resurfaced because it's well worth exploring.  And the OP might receive alerts to say the thread has been updated.  

I wonder about guilt.  Rationally, I don't think any guilt attaches to such experiences.  But on an emotional level guilt and shame do feel interlinked. 

Personally I probably direct much of it outwards because many of the feelings of shame have been installed by others, often those in positions of power, like educators, or those who assume power, like bullies.  I guess I'm harbouring some anger too.  

I do feel ashamed to admit it. The reason is that it makes me feel abnormal. 

Oh, just noticed this post is 7 years old. It's a hugely important issue, but the original poster may no longer be here to participate in the discussion.

I actually feel quite positive about being autistic.  Lots of good qualities there.  It's just that, with no knowledge of neurodivergence for most of my life, I unthinkingly took in a lot of fixed ideas of how I should be and how my family should be and became acutely aware of any shortcomings.  Openness seemed to invite criticism rather than help, so it often felt safer to hide or swallow stuff down. 

Plus, certainly within my family, the masking this leads to has seriously impacted our mental health.  It could be a kind of chain reaction.  Fear of others, leading to masking, leading to shame when any weakness or vulnerability shows through.  

Personally, no. I absolutely do not feel ashamed. My autism gives me both challenges and gifts. It's me. That is all. 

But, I hate to think of you struggling with this. Your struggles with guilt feelings must be tough and I do not wish yo belittle those in any way. We must all work that out as best we can.

It's not for any of us to tell you how to feel. You feel what you feel. But to my mind, how others perceive us is their problem. How we feel about who we are is ours. The two should not, in priciple at least, be linked.

You sound a little swamped.  Sorry you feel like that - I do, too, periodically.  You already know that being on the spectrum is nothing to be ashamed about, though that sort of knowledge is intellectual, not emotional, and doesn't stop you feeling the way you do, I guess.  I find that these feelings pass.  What helps, for me, is Googling positive things about Autism.  Most of them don't really apply to me (we're all individuals) but just reminding myself that autism has an upside helps.

Hmm...   If I'm honest I would have to admit that shame and embarrassment have been strong themes in my life. 

Whilst I do believe that a lot of this could have been avoided or improved given proper identification and support, in the absence of those, it's really taken its toll over the years.  No doubt some of this has been linked to internalised ableism but just a few examples include:

- early childhood shame over my family background, the state of the house, our poverty, our inability to get things fixed promptly, not feeling able to invite friends back (so worsening my sense of isolation), not being able to go on school trips etc.  As a family we just didn't seem able to connect with others, seek appropriate help, resolve setbacks as they arose afford anything (and yes, the low paid, irregular work was related to issues around unidentified therefore unaccommodated autism)

 - ongoing shame about difficulties with driving, public speaking, attending meetings at work, generally getting out there and doing things in the ways that others (and especially employers) expected.

- shame/stigma around mental health issues, which in our family often became quite severe and for which there was no help at all.  

- shame over my extreme anxiety which, on being met with blame for being "so silly", I learnt to hide as much as possible (why give them more ammunition, after all?)

- shame over poor hygiene in some family members.  Like a ghost from the past this has returned to haunt me in recent years.  I still don't know how to tackle this and the "over-the-garden-fence" advice from neighbours and the few friends I did have was on the level of, well, haven't you thought of giving them smellies for Christmas or taking them swimming regularly or just having an open chat about how you feel etc etc.  (I HAD thought about all of these things and they didn't help.) 

I'm sure there are other things and even now I just cringe to think of it.  But yes, as I say, with proper, early identification and support, much of this could have been resolved or prevented.  

What we have now is a long family history of issues that have become compounded over the years and still no obvious way out of some of them.  I do work on myself to tackle those feelings of shame, but to see a family member go out looking as though they've been living on the streets for at least a year is still highly triggering for me.  I wish I could say otherwise.  And if a lot of this bad stuff had been prevented, I think I would feel very open and proud about our neurodivergence.  

I am sometimes frustrated by my autistic traits, but I am never ashamed of being autistic.

You’re definitely not alone. The shame is terribly strong within me and thanks to this pandemic, and how Trump handled the whole vaccine situation by linking it to autism…I feel like I’ve been a monster my whole life and there is literally NOTHING I can do it about. I’m the only one in my family with it too. My sister is going to go to PA school and my brother has had successful relationships while I’ve been struggling to be open. When I was younger, I was. I was happy. Free-spirited. Optimistic. I believed in the best of people.

Now I’m a shell of that girl who used to be because of chronic anxiety/depression from ableism, cruel patronizing comments/jokes, gaslighting, and infantilism. I am now angry/bitter at the world when I used to love it and want to live in it and enjoy life to the fullest. I lived in a pessimistic household where everyone just pulled out every weapon (Past mistakes or flaws about each other.) to hurt and cut each other down. We’re a great family, and we love each other deeply, but I always knew my way of thinking, most of all, would be the least heard. I feel like my emotional/mental state has reverted back to how I was as a young child. Before I’d matured. Before I started understanding comedy/sarcasm a little after a few years. Everyone always called me overdramatic and crazy and rude just because I felt uncomfortable about something when was completely valid to be. And even when I did things right, my thinking/justification for it is twisted like a knife.

Now I take everything too seriously. And expect the worst.

I want to go into a voice acting/writing profession but it feels like neurotypical society will do everything in its power to keep us quiet about chronic illness.

I pray every day things will be different. I pray with whatever’s left of my heart and soul.

It's not for me to tell anyone else how to feel.

But some of the comments here have made me reflect on how I feel about it. I'm waiting for an assessment, but I strongly suspect what the out come will be.

I'm 56, so can't really be ashamed of a label I haven't had for 56 years. It makes sense of so many of the things that were hard for me, as well as my strengths. But yes, it's been a very stressful life and the biggest stressors of all have been rooted to the sensory processing issues and the issues in family relationships. If you don't want your mother to hug you as a tiny baby, you do end up living a life with no support from the one place most people turn to.

No one knew about Asperger's really until 1981. There was no support in school and I was blamed for the things I found hard. When I was bullied relentlessly in school to the point that play ground melt downs occurred, the advice of the head to my parents was to "give me a good slap", while games teachers just screamed at me for being useless on the rounders pitch.

Had anyone known, would I have met with more sympathy? Would I have been more protected from the nasty kids? Would my inability to hit a ball have been recognise as a disability rather than a lack of effort to be punished? Would my mother have recognised I wasn't cold and unfeeling or ungrateful just because I didn't want her to hug me or play with me? The mental health impacts for me are certainly born of a life time of unrecognised and unmet need etc

Or would they have put me in a special school with nothing to challenge my intellect and tortured me with ABA? Would the expectations of what I can do have been lowered and my ambitions squashed  such that I never got a university education or to earn my own living?

For sure, I won't be ashamed! I'll be proud of myself that I've achieved so much despite the fact that I didn't start out on a level playing field. The fact that it wasn't level I can easily see had not to do with any defect with in me; I'm not defective, but in the fact that society sees those who are wired differently as not simply valuable in a different way. 

In many respects I have even benefited. All that intensity of focus and attention to detail have brought me successes too. My candor and moral codes have in the right career environments brought me respect. Even if I have been permanently stressed and exhausted in the process.

I have to wonder whether I can even see this as a disability. This is a trickier question. The sensory issues have lead to phobias so chronic as to be truely debilitating to be sure. Indeed, because the are medical and I'm struggling to access medical treatment, life threatening. But again, has this become disabling because of the way this was handled when I was young. Could even that have been avoided?

I think I'll just be relieved to have this recognised now. The explanation (I pray) might lead to a solution good enough to let me live a few more years and enjoy them.

1. No,never ashamed. If someone feels ashamed is a shame. But alot of society likes to make people this.

I'm more often ashamed of being human than being autistic.

It’s been several years. How do you feel about it now? I’m also ashamed of it, and then sometimes I’m almost defensive of it. For example, I feel too ashamed to tell people I’m Autistic, but if I screw things up or meltdown or have a sensory reaction and someone judges me….I’m very quick to defend myself and say that I have Autism. My autism is definitely more invisible than others. I mask extremely well because I started when I was a kid. I didn’t know I had Autism til age 37. So all those years of feeling weird, displaced and odd and not knowing why helped me to adapt and mimic so that I could survive in the world. 
I honestly hate my Autism. I don’t want anything to do with it and I just want to be able to be content and socialize and have a group of dedicated friends. I don’t know what it is, but initially I come across as completely Neurotypical, but after spending more time with me, I seem to disappoint them and I lose potential friendships. Is it my lack of smiling? My aloofness? Am I doing something wrong with my face or body? Am I responding in weird ways or tones? I have no clue. I have tattoos and piercings and dress androgynously and have a professional talent in the Visual Arts. My aloofness can come across as “mysterious and cool”, which can work in my favor. But I think people see me and have this idea of me and then that idea is completely shattered because of something off-putting. Again, I just don’t know what it is. Maybe they just can sense the nervousness and awkwardness and tension in me. 

Anyways, I hope you’ve come to terms with it. If you have, do you have any advice for this 40 year old? Thanks.

I am sending you virtual hugs because you are a good person who doesn't deserve to feel ashamed of who you are xx

hi livagain,

you are not the only one ashamed of being autistic, i have aspergers and above all hate people knowing or hate the "special treatment" if they do! i try to hide it as much as possible, however since joining this site, there have been some amazing influences here which have made me realise and come to terms with the amazing things auistics go through! im sure your question will spark a few opinions i am just one!! :)

this site taught me not to be ashamed of the way i am and there was alot more to me than autism!! i was having a great difficulty dealing with life,masculinity, every day stuff and coming here and just reading some of the other stories made me realise, we are pretty amazing people! most others would have thrown in the towel by now if they had to endure some of the stuff we deal with on a daily basis! we dont, we just carry on and make the best of what we are, in the best way we know! dont be ashamed of being autistic, simply think how on earth would i cope if i wasnt!! :) 

hope you manage to get the answers you seek... good luck and keep safe! :)

I haven't been able to do too much because of where I live there hasn't been services for some time.  It's only in the past year or so that I've been able to do anything.  NAS opened up their first One Stop Shop in the area last year, but it was in a small, temporary space, so I did fundraising with the help of my employer and we raised £400 together to help get them into the more permanent building they have now.  The grand opening was a couple of months ago, and it now has a sensory room and everything!  I'm sure over time, when I meet more people who help out at the one stop shop, and doing more classes, I'll get more involved.