Help with my autistic partner

Sorry to hear you are still having a hard time. Relationships can be hard and can be a mystery. You've got lots of good advice, but for the moment, it might be good to focus on yourself just now -being on hold for a long time can be very tiring, especially with the confusion and not knowing what's going on.

I hope you can do something for yourself, that you can find some peace and happiness, as you deserve that too. If you focus on giving yourself some R&R, and being in a good place in your own head, then if anything happens, you'll be able to go forward positively and be able to be supportive, rather than feeling emotionally exhausted from waiting. It's touching you care so deeply, though do take care of yourself too. Wishing you well.

Well he appears to have ghosted me  so so sad

Hi, I would really focus on what he says in writing, and not read between the lines. And also be direct and succinct with him. Don’t try and make him read between the lines either 

I hope that clear communication and setting your expectations will help. My husband used to repeat it to me: when the child cries, hug her. Now I do it automatically,  although it does not come naturally. I'm terrible at comforting someone sad, but I'm always willing to help, if I know how.

It happens to me quite often to misinterpret my husbands expressions and I ask him if he is angry. Then when he tells me, that he is not, but feeling sick instead,  I make him a ginger tea and ask him to go to bed. It's a bit different,  because I'm female, but I just do what I know will help.

The problem is interactions and parenting. I can interact only with one person at a time. I can listen a captivating story of my husbands family demolishing their 90 year old house, in order to build new one on the plot. But if it's me + 2 people,  it's crowd already. Doesn't matter if they are acquitances or closest beloved family members. So I'm terribly sorry, and feel guilty and like a failure, but I mostly stay isolated, separately from them both. In extreme cases going for walk with them both ended with me banging my head off of a closet door. 

I would love that my husband reads the "loving someone with Aspergers" I would read it too.

My partner has about zero compassion generally and lack of acknowledgement I might be struggling. Occasionally lashing out in unexpected scenarios, for example when I'm down in bed with chills and fever. It's like empathy isn't just built in. We sort of managed to agree on a script, a sort of 'if this happens - do this, else that' (if you see me with fever - bring me hot drink and ask if I need an extra blanket) but it's quite alien (and quite comical) how it resembles one massive script to work through in loops. Luckily, we both with IT background and I do have my own 'special talents' with scripts.

It sort of gets easier by knowing there's a routine there. But fundamental things don't change.

Thank you. That’s what I’m trying to do. Hard when I’m full of anxiety & uncertain of what’s going on. Thanks for the advice, I’m trying to stick to it. 

Giving him space is a good idea, IMO. He needs time after such an upset to reset. It’s probably best not to keep messaging him, as that could overwhelm him. Just send the occasional message to make it clear you’re still here and not going anywhere. I think you should wait a bit and then ask how he’s feeling.

Good luck.

Hi and welcome to the community.

You've already received some great advice, which I hope will help you and your partner to get past the current issue.

You might also find this NAS resource helpful:

NAS - Family relationships - a guide for partners of autistic people

And also this book, which I've found to be the best of several on the subject. It aims to help couples like yours (ie within which one just person is autistic) by improving your mutual understanding and communication. There are also some exercises that you can complete and discuss together, if you like, as part of that process:

Loving Someone with Asperger's Syndrome: Understanding and Connecting with your Partner

A couple of points to mention:

- The latest diagnostic manuals no longer use "Asperger's"; this is now included under autism / Autism Spectrum Disorder.

- Between discussing one scenario and the next, the author frequently switches the gender of the autistic party. This was done to avoid reinforcing stereotypes, and can require some effort to keep checking - but I do think it's worth it.

Another option to consider is couples counselling, ideally with a counsellor who has experience in helping autistic people.

Aww the cat picture has cheered me up! Thank you for your reply, it gives me hope. 

my main issue is that he’s so closed off to talking, I’ve tried and tried via text and after days of nothing it’s now very vague answers, bit negative, blunt, but not closing the door by saying we’re over and I’m so confused with what to do next. 

I think stepping back is the best idea. Bit heartbroken if I’m honest, our relationship wasn’t negative by any means, but he seems to be focussed on that. 

Im really conscious that I’m a ‘fixer’ and I’m probably overwhelming him. I just cry constantly this isn’t what I want. 

Hi maisiemoo66 and welcome. As Alice noted, disagreements (especially over seemingly minor things) are natural in relationships - what matters is how they are handled and repaired.

Maybe you and your partner just need a little reassurance that things will be OK and to explore how to voice concerns safely with each other. He may be wondering what he could have done differently and how to fix things, just like you seem to be. 

Autistic-allistic couples have to deal with what is called the 'double empathy problem'. I wonder whether reading about this might open up a useful conversation with him?

Here's a page that explains that and other aspects of autism and communication https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/about-autism/autism-and-communication

Good luck and I hope that things work out for you both!

Hi Maisie

I really hope things work out for you both. In my relationship (same sex, married for just under a year) we had similar problems at the beginning, I am autistic with c-ptsd, and my girlfriend as she was then, had a long history of mental ill health, features of EUPD + anxiety, and at that time was undergoing a lengthy series of DBT sessions. So with her unstable emotions and autistic problems with understanding others it wasn’t easy, we did indeed have tough times such as you described. I think we got through it as we had a very strong shared interests in cats books  , and we had both previously been through traumatising break ups. So I think we would both take a big breath after the early arguments and consider what had happened, give each other space and time (a few days usually) then get drawn back together by our shared interests. The previous break ups we had experienced both made us feel very strongly that we weren’t going to mess this one up, and with that in the background we always came closer again pretty soon. We met in late 2022 as Cats Protection volunteers btw  

There are a few practical things we both picked up in the mental health system which helped:

Pause before sending any message or email, especially so when in heightened emotional states. 

Check the facts of the situation, so did a certain thing actually happen or did our own past prime us to expect (for example)  rejection and then see evidence of it where it definitely wasn’t meant.

Understand our respective conditions by reading trustworthy books and websites not relying on personal comments and opinions by others on social media. As well as the National Autistic Society website we both found PTSD UK very helpful. 

Do not judge each other without fully talking together about why the other has said or done a particular thing. Put simply do not jump to conclusions. 

These are just examples from my personal experience, Ive no medical training or insight other than the things Ive learnt through life. Im 68 btw, my wife 60. Im retired from library services and still works for a large third sector organisation. Our wedding was amazing and we are very very happy, but still occasionally misunderstand each other leading occasionally to disagreements, its inevitable we think in a relationship.  If there are no disagreements then probably one person is allowing themselves to be subservient to the other and internalising problems which remain unresolved and niggle at one’s core, destabilising the relationship in the long run as buried unprocessed emotions always reappear at some point  

I will post a photo of one of cats in a further reply  

Wishing you the very best

AnA x