Help with my autistic partner

Hi Maisie

I really hope things work out for you both. In my relationship (same sex, married for just under a year) we had similar problems at the beginning, I am autistic with c-ptsd, and my girlfriend as she was then, had a long history of mental ill health, features of EUPD + anxiety, and at that time was undergoing a lengthy series of DBT sessions. So with her unstable emotions and autistic problems with understanding others it wasn’t easy, we did indeed have tough times such as you described. I think we got through it as we had a very strong shared interests in cats books  , and we had both previously been through traumatising break ups. So I think we would both take a big breath after the early arguments and consider what had happened, give each other space and time (a few days usually) then get drawn back together by our shared interests. The previous break ups we had experienced both made us feel very strongly that we weren’t going to mess this one up, and with that in the background we always came closer again pretty soon. We met in late 2022 as Cats Protection volunteers btw  

There are a few practical things we both picked up in the mental health system which helped:

Pause before sending any message or email, especially so when in heightened emotional states. 

Check the facts of the situation, so did a certain thing actually happen or did our own past prime us to expect (for example)  rejection and then see evidence of it where it definitely wasn’t meant.

Understand our respective conditions by reading trustworthy books and websites not relying on personal comments and opinions by others on social media. As well as the National Autistic Society website we both found PTSD UK very helpful. 

Do not judge each other without fully talking together about why the other has said or done a particular thing. Put simply do not jump to conclusions. 

These are just examples from my personal experience, Ive no medical training or insight other than the things Ive learnt through life. Im 68 btw, my wife 60. Im retired from library services and still works for a large third sector organisation. Our wedding was amazing and we are very very happy, but still occasionally misunderstand each other leading occasionally to disagreements, its inevitable we think in a relationship.  If there are no disagreements then probably one person is allowing themselves to be subservient to the other and internalising problems which remain unresolved and niggle at one’s core, destabilising the relationship in the long run as buried unprocessed emotions always reappear at some point  

I will post a photo of one of cats in a further reply  

Wishing you the very best

AnA x

Aww the cat picture has cheered me up! Thank you for your reply, it gives me hope. 

my main issue is that he’s so closed off to talking, I’ve tried and tried via text and after days of nothing it’s now very vague answers, bit negative, blunt, but not closing the door by saying we’re over and I’m so confused with what to do next. 

I think stepping back is the best idea. Bit heartbroken if I’m honest, our relationship wasn’t negative by any means, but he seems to be focussed on that. 

Im really conscious that I’m a ‘fixer’ and I’m probably overwhelming him. I just cry constantly this isn’t what I want. 

Aww the cat picture has cheered me up! Thank you for your reply, it gives me hope. 

my main issue is that he’s so closed off to talking, I’ve tried and tried via text and after days of nothing it’s now very vague answers, bit negative, blunt, but not closing the door by saying we’re over and I’m so confused with what to do next. 

I think stepping back is the best idea. Bit heartbroken if I’m honest, our relationship wasn’t negative by any means, but he seems to be focussed on that. 

Im really conscious that I’m a ‘fixer’ and I’m probably overwhelming him. I just cry constantly this isn’t what I want.