The need for perfection

I've had a couple really traumatising experiences with CBT. I've always struggled with coordination and balance (we now understand this is due to my autism and suspected dyspraxia) but until last year the countless professionals I saw put it down to 'a bit of anxiety' so during a previous NHS CBT session they made me leave my rollator that I use to walk in the office and they took me out into the busy town centre totally unaided and made me walk across busy roads/up and down steps whilst I was hysterically crying and nearly falling over. They said it was good exposure and the more I did this, I would 'face my fears' and get over it. I felt totally humiliated and terrified and it remains an awful distressing memory I still have flashbacks of. During a private CBT session I had (when I still drove) I explained my sense of direction was awful and I wasn't confident to drive places I didn't know and when I panicked by body would go into a 'freeze' state meaning I was unable to move (for example even to break when I needed to stop) so the therapist told me my homework that week was to go somewhere unfamiliar. I guess they had the same idea as the previous therapist, push yourself out of your 'comfort zone'. Unfortunately this homework lead to me causing another car accident. 

The trouble with CBT is that it assumes everyone processes sensations the same way.

Hi Dormouse. 

Ive read (in a real book) that for autistic people CBT can be very challenging and even in some circumstances damaging. I

I in real life have experIenced this. It was in a mental health day centre, we were told we were going to relax!! , to lie on a mat then led through the facilitator’s idea of relaxation, she described a calm woodland. All I could sense was that A. I was being instructed against my will, B. That the mat on the floor was uncomfortable and that it would hurt me to get up again. And C. That the woodland was awash with sneezy pollen and stinging nettles, and biting insects. 

I have since experienced good therapy completely the opposite to this. I found a therapist privately who had trauma skills coupled with in depth knowledge of neurodiversity. Unfortunately I could not continue with her due in part to the cost but largely due to her concrete silo of boundaries. 

AnA

Love the idea of separation and taking photos! Thank you so much

Thank you :)

Thank you for sharing :) 

Hi and welcome to the community.

I'm also a bit of a control freak, but my partner is too, so we keep our home very tidy and clutter free. One person commented that it looked like nobody lived there! But it's important for us to keep our environment simple and streamlined. Autistic people are very visual, so how things look is more important to us than most - it's not a fault, just how we are.

There are things you could try to make life a bit easier, for example having shoe and coat storage in the entrance so that those things get put away immediately someone gets home. If there are housework jobs you like done a certain way, perhaps you could do those and your husband could do jobs that don't matter so much such as taking out the rubbish, doing shopping, or doing the household admin/accounts. If he can cook, that could be his job and then you could do the clearing up afterwards. He could help you with changing bed linen, then he could put the laundry on while you do the fluffing up of pillows, etc.

I find that getting engrossed in a hobby helps distract and relax me - I enjoy reading and playing video games, but there are lots of others to try such as jigsaw puzzles, Lego building, drawing & colouring, sewing, knitting, etc. If you're getting very wound up, sometimes a walk in a quiet area can help.

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Olivia Mod

Dear B,

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Olivia Mod

The perfection thing is like you say, setting the bar too high, due to somehow feeling not good enough. I have always pushed myself too hard. At work I always did more than others and couldn't let go.

There could be a number of root causes for wanting things just so, but the thing is to look at it more objectively. It can be hard because you are inside the system. Writing things down, then reading it as if it were someone else and considering what you would think, can help to see if the bar is too high. 

Perhaps for the house, take some pictures, then look at them as if it were someone else's house. By having some separation it can allow you to see things more objectively, as if seeing it through others eyes. Does it look homely and lived in, or like show home. How would you like it to look?

Is the appearance of the details really that important. Some things will be, some things are sensible, others may be negotiable.

I am not overly tidy, so may have piles of things. However I also find clutter can make my brain feel busy. I find it helpful to have somewhere I can relax without clutter. I also like to have the kitchen organized so I can easily find things, reducing the work my brain needs to do. 

lostmyway said:

Try ACT

This is medical advice which is against forum rules

Wow this really resonates! Thank you both! I agree with the need for control, I think it brings a sense of safety but when I can't control something, in my brain that = scary. I also agree it may be deeper, I don't feel like I am perfect so I feel the need to make my space perfect, but in all honesty, what and who the hell even is perfect?! Its like I've set the bar so high its no longer achievable and trying to get there is causing distress to both myself and my husband.

I like the idea of breaking the habit/routine as this is also something I think its become! Going into auto pilot/response rather than actually being present and thinking about what i'm doing and why. I will absolutely be working on my tolerance window. 

Thank you so much again! 

Hello, seems to me you've done the hard part - recognising and talking about it, which means you've accepted it and are not in denial.

I am not sure what's best, but it might be to consider what is important and drop the least important one. Then see if after a few days it's ok. You may find it is more habit or routine, and after a few days it seems less important as you break the habit and get used to not always seeing things a certain way.

You might be able to try leaving something for a while, then slowly making the time longer. You may get used to it not being so critical. 

You could consider if there is something driving it. Are you looking for order at home because you can't control it order something else. Are you feeling particularly up tight, could you do something to relax and just let go for a day or two?

I think I relate to that. I'm still unsure about what's causing these tendencies in my case. I suspected OCD, but I'm unsure about that now. My current working theory is that it's a form of staying in control for a variety of reasons.

It's about protecting myself from criticism that I don't do enough, and avoiding coming across as not enough as a person, partner, friend, or worker. I admit I've been a people pleaser to various degrees my whole life. It's also possibly about how my mind works, trying to make everything ordered because it's easier and more efficient later. Also, certain chaos in certain areas is difficult for my senses to accept. I like things functional and aesthetically pleasant. If they aren’t, they feel like a glitch, and it can lead to frustration, annoyance, or disappointment.

I’ve been experimenting my whole life with deciding which things I can let go and which are too essential to upkeep. Now, I'm doing it more consciously, knowing that it's impossible to keep everything under control and some things just cost too much energy. As long as dropping something doesn't cost me that feeling of safety (especially in the long term) and it doesn't lead to significant alienation, it gets easier with time. I suppose it's about increasing the window of tolerance, the zone where we can handle stress or sensory glitches without our systems going into a survival mode or shutting down.

In general, for me, it feels like these behaviours are mainly about feeling safe, comfortable, fulfilled, and possibly calmed.

Since I haven't figured it out, I can't advise :) These are just reflections.

I've never heard of ACT therapy but I'm liking the sound of it! I've been in and out of private and NHS CBT for the past 15 years and its never helped so really keen on trying something new. Appreciate the suggestion :)

Thank you! Will give that a listen :)

Thank you, I like that saying :)

I would second listening to that Complex episode! Kimberley Wilson does a great job breaking it down.

lostmyway said:

Try ACT

Many Autistic people seem to struggle with CBT.  What is your personal experience of ACT, compared with CBT (from an Autism perspective)?