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The need for perfection

DanielleH

Hi All, 

brand new to this so not sure if I'm using correctly! I'm 31 and was diagnosed last year with both autism and ADHD, also in the process of getting a dyspraxia diagnosis.

I don't know if this is an autism, ADHD, maybe OCD or just a me thing BUT I am such a control freak when it comes to the house. I feel like everything has to be in its correct place all the time. I cant relax if the the tea towel is hung incorrectly, shoes haven't been put away, the sofa cushions aren't fluffed up, blankets are folded correctly etc. I have this constant urge to have the house looking like a show home which is silly because that's so unrealistic!  My husband is not a messy person and always helps with tidying up but when he doesn't do it the way I want it, I become irritable and angry.

Has anyone got any tips to help me let go and relax a bit? Or could suggest a certain therapy they think would be good? I just want to be able to relax and be more chilled out. 

Thank you :)

  • in reply to leveller61

    I would second listening to that Complex episode! Kimberley Wilson does a great job breaking it down.

  • in reply to DormouseAtRest_25

    ACT just feels kinder to the autistic brain - like it doesn't demand you rewrite your whole inner world. CBT says, "fix this thought," but for us? Thoughts aren't always "wrong" - they're often just... accurate. Like, "this noise hurts" isn't a distortion; it's fact. Trying to argue it away? Exhausting.

    ACT? It goes: "Okay, noise hurts - notice it, let it be there, then do what matters anyway." No fight. No shame. Just... space. And that space lets you move without burning out.

    From what I've seen in studies and forums - people say CBT left them more anxious, like they failed at "normal." ACT? They walk out lighter. Like, "I don't have to win my head - I just have to live."

  • in reply to lostmyway
    lostmyway said:
    Try ACT

    Many Autistic people seem to struggle with CBT.  What is your personal experience of ACT, compared with CBT (from an Autism perspective)?

  • That control thing? It's not "freak" - it's your brain saying "order = safe." Autism + ADHD love patterns; when the tea towel's wrong, it's like static in your head. Husband's not messy, he's just human. And yes, getting angry? That's the frustration leaking out - nothing personal.

    My take: start tiny. Pick one thing - like the cushions - and let him do it his way. Feel the itch, breathe through it, then say "good enough." It'll sting at first, but it builds tolerance. Therapy? Try ACT - it's great for "accept the urge, don't fight it." Or even a quick sensory Occupational Therapy session to rewire the "must-be-perfect" trigger.

    You're not broken - you're just wired tight. Loosen one knot at a time.

     

  • Hi  and welcome. There's a lively community here  so dig in and I hope you feel lots of support. A couple of suggestions for you. Firstly, explore what belief underpins this urge - what would it mean about you if the house isn't just so? Maybe it's that thing which may need attention and care. Secondly, go to BBC Sounds and check out the episode of the Complex podcast about perfectionism (I mention this purely owing to the title of your post). Full disclosure - I am a recovering perfectionist who tidies and cleans when upset. Good luck and, again, it's good to have you here!

  • I had a problem like this at work where I thought I needed to be 'perfect' 

    My supervisor made me see that no one can get everything right all the time, so now we've got a saying of 'things can only be 99.9%'

    I know it's not the same but I hope it helps a bit

  • Ok, I struggle with similar feelings, honestly. But the ways I deal with it;

    1. I remind myself that perfection is impossible and I should be proud that I came as close to it as I did

    2. If that doesn't work, I sit down and try to distract my mind from said imperfections until eventually I no longer notice them