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The need for perfection

DanielleH

Hi All, 

brand new to this so not sure if I'm using correctly! I'm 31 and was diagnosed last year with both autism and ADHD, also in the process of getting a dyspraxia diagnosis.

I don't know if this is an autism, ADHD, maybe OCD or just a me thing BUT I am such a control freak when it comes to the house. I feel like everything has to be in its correct place all the time. I cant relax if the the tea towel is hung incorrectly, shoes haven't been put away, the sofa cushions aren't fluffed up, blankets are folded correctly etc. I have this constant urge to have the house looking like a show home which is silly because that's so unrealistic!  My husband is not a messy person and always helps with tidying up but when he doesn't do it the way I want it, I become irritable and angry.

Has anyone got any tips to help me let go and relax a bit? Or could suggest a certain therapy they think would be good? I just want to be able to relax and be more chilled out. 

Thank you :)

Parents

  • That control thing? It's not "freak" - it's your brain saying "order = safe." Autism + ADHD love patterns; when the tea towel's wrong, it's like static in your head. Husband's not messy, he's just human. And yes, getting angry? That's the frustration leaking out - nothing personal.

    My take: start tiny. Pick one thing - like the cushions - and let him do it his way. Feel the itch, breathe through it, then say "good enough." It'll sting at first, but it builds tolerance. Therapy? *edited due to rule 6*

    You're not broken - you're just wired tight. Loosen one knot at a time.

     

  • in reply to lostmyway
    lostmyway said:
    Try ACT

    Many Autistic people seem to struggle with CBT.  What is your personal experience of ACT, compared with CBT (from an Autism perspective)?

  • in reply to DormouseAtRest_25

    Hi Dormouse. 

    Ive read (in a real book) that for autistic people CBT can be very challenging and even in some circumstances damaging. I

    I in real life have experIenced this. It was in a mental health day centre, we were told we were going to relax!! , to lie on a mat then led through the facilitator’s idea of relaxation, she described a calm woodland. All I could sense was that A. I was being instructed against my will, B. That the mat on the floor was uncomfortable and that it would hurt me to get up again. And C. That the woodland was awash with sneezy pollen and stinging nettles, and biting insects. 

    I have since experienced good therapy completely the opposite to this. I found a therapist privately who had trauma skills coupled with in depth knowledge of neurodiversity. Unfortunately I could not continue with her due in part to the cost but largely due to her concrete silo of boundaries. 

    AnA

  • in reply to Alice-nice-Alice

    I've had a couple really traumatising experiences with CBT. I've always struggled with coordination and balance (we now understand this is due to my autism and suspected dyspraxia) but until last year the countless professionals I saw put it down to 'a bit of anxiety' so during a previous NHS CBT session they made me leave my rollator that I use to walk in the office and they took me out into the busy town centre totally unaided and made me walk across busy roads/up and down steps whilst I was hysterically crying and nearly falling over. They said it was good exposure and the more I did this, I would 'face my fears' and get over it. I felt totally humiliated and terrified and it remains an awful distressing memory I still have flashbacks of. During a private CBT session I had (when I still drove) I explained my sense of direction was awful and I wasn't confident to drive places I didn't know and when I panicked by body would go into a 'freeze' state meaning I was unable to move (for example even to break when I needed to stop) so the therapist told me my homework that week was to go somewhere unfamiliar. I guess they had the same idea as the previous therapist, push yourself out of your 'comfort zone'. Unfortunately this homework lead to me causing another car accident. 

  • in reply to Alice-nice-Alice

    The trouble with CBT is that it assumes everyone processes sensations the same way.

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