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The need for perfection

DanielleH

Hi All, 

brand new to this so not sure if I'm using correctly! I'm 31 and was diagnosed last year with both autism and ADHD, also in the process of getting a dyspraxia diagnosis.

I don't know if this is an autism, ADHD, maybe OCD or just a me thing BUT I am such a control freak when it comes to the house. I feel like everything has to be in its correct place all the time. I cant relax if the the tea towel is hung incorrectly, shoes haven't been put away, the sofa cushions aren't fluffed up, blankets are folded correctly etc. I have this constant urge to have the house looking like a show home which is silly because that's so unrealistic!  My husband is not a messy person and always helps with tidying up but when he doesn't do it the way I want it, I become irritable and angry.

Has anyone got any tips to help me let go and relax a bit? Or could suggest a certain therapy they think would be good? I just want to be able to relax and be more chilled out. 

Thank you :)

Parents

  • That control thing? It's not "freak" - it's your brain saying "order = safe." Autism + ADHD love patterns; when the tea towel's wrong, it's like static in your head. Husband's not messy, he's just human. And yes, getting angry? That's the frustration leaking out - nothing personal.

    My take: start tiny. Pick one thing - like the cushions - and let him do it his way. Feel the itch, breathe through it, then say "good enough." It'll sting at first, but it builds tolerance. Therapy? Try ACT - it's great for "accept the urge, don't fight it." Or even a quick sensory Occupational Therapy session to rewire the "must-be-perfect" trigger.

    You're not broken - you're just wired tight. Loosen one knot at a time.

     

  • in reply to lostmyway
    lostmyway said:
    Try ACT

    Many Autistic people seem to struggle with CBT.  What is your personal experience of ACT, compared with CBT (from an Autism perspective)?

Reply Children
  • in reply to DormouseAtRest_25

    ACT just feels kinder to the autistic brain - like it doesn't demand you rewrite your whole inner world. CBT says, "fix this thought," but for us? Thoughts aren't always "wrong" - they're often just... accurate. Like, "this noise hurts" isn't a distortion; it's fact. Trying to argue it away? Exhausting.

    ACT? It goes: "Okay, noise hurts - notice it, let it be there, then do what matters anyway." No fight. No shame. Just... space. And that space lets you move without burning out.

    From what I've seen in studies and forums - people say CBT left them more anxious, like they failed at "normal." ACT? They walk out lighter. Like, "I don't have to win my head - I just have to live."