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The need for perfection

DanielleH

Hi All, 

brand new to this so not sure if I'm using correctly! I'm 31 and was diagnosed last year with both autism and ADHD, also in the process of getting a dyspraxia diagnosis.

I don't know if this is an autism, ADHD, maybe OCD or just a me thing BUT I am such a control freak when it comes to the house. I feel like everything has to be in its correct place all the time. I cant relax if the the tea towel is hung incorrectly, shoes haven't been put away, the sofa cushions aren't fluffed up, blankets are folded correctly etc. I have this constant urge to have the house looking like a show home which is silly because that's so unrealistic!  My husband is not a messy person and always helps with tidying up but when he doesn't do it the way I want it, I become irritable and angry.

Has anyone got any tips to help me let go and relax a bit? Or could suggest a certain therapy they think would be good? I just want to be able to relax and be more chilled out. 

Thank you :)

Parents

  • I think I relate to that. I'm still unsure about what's causing these tendencies in my case. I suspected OCD, but I'm unsure about that now. My current working theory is that it's a form of staying in control for a variety of reasons.

    It's about protecting myself from criticism that I don't do enough, and avoiding coming across as not enough as a person, partner, friend, or worker. I admit I've been a people pleaser to various degrees my whole life. It's also possibly about how my mind works, trying to make everything ordered because it's easier and more efficient later. Also, certain chaos in certain areas is difficult for my senses to accept. I like things functional and aesthetically pleasant. If they aren’t, they feel like a glitch, and it can lead to frustration, annoyance, or disappointment.

    I’ve been experimenting my whole life with deciding which things I can let go and which are too essential to upkeep. Now, I'm doing it more consciously, knowing that it's impossible to keep everything under control and some things just cost too much energy. As long as dropping something doesn't cost me that feeling of safety (especially in the long term) and it doesn't lead to significant alienation, it gets easier with time. I suppose it's about increasing the window of tolerance, the zone where we can handle stress or sensory glitches without our systems going into a survival mode or shutting down.

    In general, for me, it feels like these behaviours are mainly about feeling safe, comfortable, fulfilled, and possibly calmed.

    Since I haven't figured it out, I can't advise :) These are just reflections.

  • in reply to counterpoint

    Wow this really resonates! Thank you both! I agree with the need for control, I think it brings a sense of safety but when I can't control something, in my brain that = scary. I also agree it may be deeper, I don't feel like I am perfect so I feel the need to make my space perfect, but in all honesty, what and who the hell even is perfect?! Its like I've set the bar so high its no longer achievable and trying to get there is causing distress to both myself and my husband.

    I like the idea of breaking the habit/routine as this is also something I think its become! Going into auto pilot/response rather than actually being present and thinking about what i'm doing and why. I will absolutely be working on my tolerance window. 

    Thank you so much again! 

  • in reply to DanielleH

    The perfection thing is like you say, setting the bar too high, due to somehow feeling not good enough. I have always pushed myself too hard. At work I always did more than others and couldn't let go.

    There could be a number of root causes for wanting things just so, but the thing is to look at it more objectively. It can be hard because you are inside the system. Writing things down, then reading it as if it were someone else and considering what you would think, can help to see if the bar is too high. 

    Perhaps for the house, take some pictures, then look at them as if it were someone else's house. By having some separation it can allow you to see things more objectively, as if seeing it through others eyes. Does it look homely and lived in, or like show home. How would you like it to look?

    Is the appearance of the details really that important. Some things will be, some things are sensible, others may be negotiable.

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  • in reply to DanielleH

    The perfection thing is like you say, setting the bar too high, due to somehow feeling not good enough. I have always pushed myself too hard. At work I always did more than others and couldn't let go.

    There could be a number of root causes for wanting things just so, but the thing is to look at it more objectively. It can be hard because you are inside the system. Writing things down, then reading it as if it were someone else and considering what you would think, can help to see if the bar is too high. 

    Perhaps for the house, take some pictures, then look at them as if it were someone else's house. By having some separation it can allow you to see things more objectively, as if seeing it through others eyes. Does it look homely and lived in, or like show home. How would you like it to look?

    Is the appearance of the details really that important. Some things will be, some things are sensible, others may be negotiable.

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