My 47Y/O Female wife

I am doing, my trusted friend is a councillor so I’m going to speak out, my older two children have both expressed distress to the point they have stated it made them feel unsafe to the point they’ve self harmed and stated taking their lives, now that could be copied behaviour from her or they may actually be that distressed, do I take that chance with my children to appease my wife?

 InterTrails 

it's very clear the OP's wife needs further help and support with her mental health. But, if you read all of the comments and piece them together this is coercive control as the OP is living in fear of her threats and the 11yo was so fearful they called the police.

I noticed in one of your other comments you said that a trusted friend is not an expert. this is correct, but neither is poster on an Internet forum. The police are trained in spotting coercive control, have identified it as such and wanted to prosecute. 

This situation is incredibly nuanced but the OP is right to prioritise keeping himself and his children safe right now. He has tried the stay and support route to his own detriment over a 5 year period and stated he doesn't feel listened to by the GP and psychiatrist. I find it unfathomable that you are suggesting he do more of this and expect different results.

 NAS73364 

This situation fits the life jacket analogy. You can't help someone who is drowning if you yourself are drowning. Put your own life jacket on first, In this instance that means prioritising the safety of yourself and your children.

It was water infection which got

treated, within a week she claiming it back again and an issue happened Sunday as I’d dealt with meltdown all day and at 7pm I was sorting food as I hadn’t eaten or done food for my sons cos she wouldn’t stop, Some Clinician on the phone is given to me telling me I need to leave sorting food and drive 5 miles each way in the snow to a pharmacy that’s open until 8pm to get antibiotics, I refused and said I’d get it Monday, I did get it for her Monday like I said, she claimed to have that infection and everyone had to drop everything. Those antibiotics are now sat next to her bed 5DAYS after being prescribed and 5 days after it was so important I went to get them for her.

NHS don’t listen, not to seem argumentative but in your original statement you said it seems like an unsupported wife, can I ask what you based this assumption on please? I’ve been accused of control by her because I wouldn’t go and buy prescription meds online for her, I told her even I’m not in control of that, doctors do tests (supposedly) to make sure they treating the right issue, she’s ordered meds for bv and water infections online WHEN SHE HAS NO SYMPTOMS just so as she has them next to her bed and doesn’t have to wait. Last week she argued blind she had bv again and needed antibiotics (which I’d taken to doctors and they disposed of), 6 hours later she used the same language to tell me it was definitely thrush and by the morning it was definitely a UTI, my response to every single episode was contact the GP who will do the appropriate test and give the correct medication. I was accused of control and ‘putting her down’ by not listening. Please explain in which way I could have been more supportive?

I’m not sure a trusted friend will give you what you need here. You need to talk to her and the NHS a trusted friend isn’t an educated friend ….

Oh this is a different detail…. You shouldn’t be getting threatened but hopefully you can find the right support and talking therapy definitely helps if you can get her to talk. Sometimes it’s not that quick and easy but yeah look after yourself too 

Yah you both need help, you’re clearly struggling yourself and shouldn’t have to carry all of the weight of the burden but I wouldn’t put it down to coercive control and end your relationship like that it’s such a shame. Now that you’re more aware I would just say please try and find a solution together with support from the NHS 

My eldest is 20 not 10, we tiptoe round and I leave her now because it’s not worth it

it might be something just simple you didn’t know about before because she didn’t have a diagnosis like pre planning for going out or seeing the relatives or not have 50 people in the house unannounced but these things are difficult to talk about until you realise that these are things that overwhelm you 

Wow I think that’s terrible advice sorry…. As someone who has been through a few suicides whatever way she is trying to reach out to you she’s trying to reach out. She’s clearly got some mental health concerns she needs help with and let’s not forget your oldest child is 10 years old so the fact she’s had issues for 5 years is not that long and maybe you need to find away to get her to communicate. With autism and ASD often it’s difficult to know how you feel and if people keep forcing you into hard situations it doesn’t help your mind relax and get better it only makes the problem worse. Let her stay in bed. Give her some time and space and then ask her to think over and write down how you think you can over come these problems or what she even thinks they are even the smallest things 

I would also maybe take some photos of the medication she orders and is taking and show them to the doctor to try and get support for her. Now that she’s got a diagnosis you might be able to find help together 

Then I would be looking at talking to the GP about metal health in relation to that and they should be investigating properly not just giving out antibiotics over nothing also they shouldn’t give them out too often otherwise they become ineffective anyway…. It sounds like it has gone on for while. I still don’t see being a hyperchondriac as coercive control I see it as a mental health issue but maybe I’m wrong

Also correctly this behaviour has been going on 5 years so of course this isn’t isolated incident, she gets antibiotics because she describes symptoms of an infection and they give her them.

She has every right to be in control of her own medication? So she should be able to order prescription meds from Superdrug online or when she demands antidepressants but won’t take it at the dosage given to her by the gp. She’s had loads of support from all sides but is so focused on symptoms.

“A single incident during a clear, acute medical episode is unlikely on its own to form the basis of a coercive control charge.” having a meltdown one time is not going to be considered coercive control. And given the fact that she’s only just been diagnosed it sounds like she was trying to get the right help and support 

Ok based on this information it sounds like an unsupported wife and I would suggest asking her to go to marriage counselling and asking for a trained professional to help understand the problem

Yeah or she’s actually suicidal and isn’t being listened to?! This is the thing that is extremely wrong in this society… people who are suicidal get treated like this when they reach out for help in whatever way they try but people who commit suicide and never asked for help all of a sudden everybody wishes they had asked for help and the majority of people DONT ask for help 

She has every right to be in control of her own medication and illness - if anything perhaps she has hypercondria and hopefully she’s taking some medical advice for this or you have asked the doctor about this. Not sure how she gets hold of antibiotics without a GP. I really can’t imagine the police saying that someone threatening to kill themselves was coercive control (unless you’re missing a lot more detail in this story) they would be opening themselves up to prosecution making statements like that especially if she actually does. If she needs to go to bed she’s likely suffering from burnout and not being understood. 

NAS73364 said:

Police got called by our kids scared of her meltdown and they said it was coercive control but I didn’t press charges as she’s not doing it on purpose

Your situation sounds precarious and I think it could be impossible to reach a satisfactory conclusion for all concerned. You and your children deserve a life in safety and happiness away from your wife’s abusive behaviour.

Do talk to someone who can give you advice and help. 

Thank you, reducing the impact on the kids has to be priority, they’ve suffered enough, I do feel guilty that we’ve suffered as long as we have but feel a little more positive. Thank you all, long road ahead but have got to move forward finally.