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My 47Y/O Female wife

NAS73364

Just wondered as I feel so lost currently, in my home I have 3 sons 20/19/14 all are Autistic/ADHD but 20YO not had formal diagnosis. Around 11 years ago when my 19 YO was diagnosed I started to see similarities in my wife’s behaviour, I brought this up with GP as she was always a bit insecure and nervous and struggled a little with illness, when Covid hit and she started Perimenopause she became fixated on illness, she’d been put on antidepressants 20 years ago but suddenly she was blaming everything on side effects of different tablets and withdrawals.

What is especially difficult as she was diagnosed ASD/ADHD 6 months ago and for 5 years it’s been spells shutdown in bed, she has got to be in control so chooses her own medication, orders antibiotics because she believes she is ill, stockpiling them next to her bed. She threatens to end herself if I don’t listen, Police got called by our kids scared of her meltdown and they said it was coercive control but I didn’t press charges as she’s not doing it on purpose. Sorry if this is too long but GP’s and Psychiatrist will only listen to her and I’m exhausted.

  • Hello NAS73364

    Thank you for sharing what you’re going through. It sounds very difficult and exhausting. You’re not alone and there are places you can get help.

    The National Autistic Society does not currently operate a crisis or emergency service. If you’re finding it hard to cope or have thoughts of harming yourself, please seek help. If you feel you or anyone else is at risk of immediate harm, dial 999 or contact one of the mental health crisis lines listed on our Urgent Help Page: https://www.autism.org.uk/contact-us/urgent-help

    If you’re concerned about the impact on your children, you can self-refer to your local children’s services. Alternatively, you might want to speak to a trusted professional such as school staff or your GP for guidance.

    Because you mentioned coercive control and threats, it may help to look at domestic abuse support services. The NHS provides information and helplines here:
    www.nhs.uk/.../

    You’re doing your best in a challenging situation. Please keep in touch with the community, we care and we can listen.

    Kind regards,

    Sharon Mod

  • in reply to NAS73364

    I am listening though so I’m going to speak with a trusted friend, I know the behaviour is wrong but the autism is always used to justify it, that bloke told me to make an autistic woman leave her kids was wrong even if it hurt them, I just wanted some idea as he said autism wasn’t an excuse it was the reason.

  • in reply to Stuart333

    I have tried telling people but I always get sucked back in, she knows my every weakness, I had some bloke ringing me last time threatening to beat me if I ever hurt her again, I got very angry and upset because I felt I needed to protect our kids so I took her back

  • in reply to NAS73364

    Autoimmune issues are made worse by stress.

    I think you need help. Please talk to someone who you trust and get their view of yourself.

    You could start with a GP or just see a counsellor yourself if you can afford it.

    You should reduce the burden on yourself. If things don't get done it is not the end of the world. You need a breather.

  • in reply to NAS73364

    This all sounds somewhat familiar to me in things ive seen in other people's lives. I can only urge you to contact a domestic abuse charity. They are much better placed to advise. If you disagree with their advice nothing lost but they may be able offer alternatives to your situation.

    fwiw I agree with cinnabar, "autism is not an excuse for what shes doing" and you really need to get out (if not forever then at least for now. I get that its easier said than done but ive never met anyone who has left such a situation that didnt regret doing it sooner.

  • in reply to NAS73364

    This is just a person on the internet, but it's sound like you really need to get out of that relationship, I'm so sorry but it sounds toxic. Speak to CAB? See if they can help you leave with the kids. I think they're are more refugees for women fleeing abusive relationships, but there must be some help for fathers too? 

    I don't know if anyone has better ideas? But autism isn't an excuse for what she's doing.

  • in reply to Cinnabar_wing

    If I try to end it she says things like she’ll tell everyone what I’m like, not the true version where I spend all day doing housework and trying to help her but a false representation where she’s misunderstood or has not 

    listened so fills in the blanks, she had trauma as a child apparently but this came out when I tried to end the marriage and she gave loads of info to some weirdo on TikTok who pretended to her to be a counsellor and somehow managed to get her to do stuff. I try to keep her safe from online but I can’t stop her, she even scratched herself silly while anxious, gp questioned her if she wanted to ‘speak to her while I left the room’ and did she feel safe, she just shut down and said nothing.

  • Firstly, I'm so sorry you are having such a hard time. 

    I have to say, if the gender roles were reversed, what would I be telling someone in a coercive relationship? I think if you ask yourself this, I think it would help.

    Secondly it sounds like it's severely effecting your children's wellbeing. This should take presidance. If they are living in fear, it is not good for their mental wellbeing either. 

    You can tell your wife she needs to get help. Maybe write it in a letter so she has time to process the words. But if she refuses, you should think about speaking to CAB, see what help you can get if you need to leave and work out a plan to leave with your kids. Them all being AuDHD must be difficult as they need routine. It is tricky as there are shelters but mainly for women in this position. With your medical conditions, it must be making it even harder. Your wife is having a really hard time and it is amazing you want to help her get into a better mental state, but you need to think of what's best for everyone. 

    Fingers crossed she listens.

  • NAS73364 said:
    GP’s and Psychiatrist will only listen to her and I’m exhausted.

    Your GP has to listen to you if you make an appointment for yourself - I'd suggest seeing him/her and telling them that you're exhausted and cannot cope.

    Your wife may be scared of medical treatment, may have experienced side effects from prescribed drugs and have had withdrawal if she's come off antidepressants, plus the menopause messes with a person's mind and emotions. So you could be quite correct that she's not behaving like this on purpose, but it can't go on without you becoming ill too. I suggest you tell her this and explain how you're feeling - don't put on a mask and pretend you're ok, be vulnerable.

    The NAS has some articles that may help you understand autism better and maybe some of your wife's behaviour, which might help:

    https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/about-autism 

    https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/behaviour (includes advice on meltdowns)

    https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/mental-health-and-wellbeing

    https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/family-life-and-relationships/family-life/partners

    I wish you well and hope things improve soon.

  • in reply to Monkeyclogs

    Not at minute we can’t, can’t afford to, I’m 46 and covered in psoriasis and have psoriatic Arthritis, both I didn’t have when we met, both have gotten worse where I struggle to stand or use my hands yet I am forced to continue doing it all or it doesn’t get done.

  • it's not too long 

    The suicidal threats do sound like coercive control and whether she's doing it on purpose or not is irrelavant. In my experience all perpetrators of domestic abuse believe they are not responsible. Are GP and psychiatrist fully aware of situation? I'd maybe reach out to local domestic abuse charities and see what they have to say about it too. 

    It sounds like you need a break from the situation. living under that kind of stress will make you ill and then there will be nobody to look after the kids. Can you and kids get away for the weekend?