My 47Y/O Female wife

Right ok, go and see the doctor on your own about your mental health and how you can be supported with this then because it clearly is affecting you too. I’m just saying to listen to angry people providing negative reinforcement online because that won’t help you either particularly as it’s a mental health issue 

If she was suicidal then when she’s calm she wouldn’t tell me she never has any intention to do anything and she doesn’t know why she says it but she does, to and in front of our children.

She isn’t suicidal, what kicked this off was Covid, hyper focusing on checking for symptoms and the onset of the perimenopause, she’s had so much support it’s ridiculous but she refuses to engage, hides her mistakes claiming no accountability for any of her actions.

I said there was more to the story than you had put in your original thing and it sounds like an unsupported wife not that she is one. You have to take into account her diagnosis etc etc I’m not sure what happened 5 years ago to kick this all off but being suicidal means there will be more to it that’s all. I’m not sure what more you could have done in terms of the medication as like I said it sounds like a mental health issue and she needs to see a doctor about that 

I’m not saying that there is a side and I’m not saying that the problem isn’t larger than you are describing I’m just trying to point you in a more healthy direction than online bitter people who will push you into the wrong place just for their own pleasure, when your own mental health won’t be in the right place while you are dealing with this too. I think it’s important to remember that people can be biased and when something is feeling heavy in the moment it might not be that way next month once this has calmed down and the last thing you need is people clubbing together to reinforce the negativity in your mind. Take a break, breathe and try to handle it with the correct channels and hopefully they will give you both some advice on how to deal with autistic challenges and if you can recognise any of these in your own life maybe this will help or at least it will be a start to separating if that’s what you really need.

Your comments are instigating and rallying angst against somebody with poor mental health on a situation that you have very little insight and knowledge about instead of actual resolution and help. I’m surprised Sharon hasn’t stepped in tbh 

Let’s hope nobody ever takes a chance on you after 20 years and one breakdown eh - someone might say you’re too unpredictable given your diagnosis. However it’s important to remember - “not my circus , not my monkeys” 

Go and the see the GP and the NHS 

No you absolutely don’t have to stay with her nobody is saying that…. You did not make it clear in your first passage of text that she was making you stay in a relationship with her and like I mentioned earlier based on what you have disclosed she would not be charged with coercive control but that’s not to say there isn’t more to the story but people shouldn’t jump onboard.. I would definitely take some advice from the GP for both of you  and hopefully you can work out your split together if that is what is required

 InterTrails 

I understand your comments may be coming from concern for the welfare of the OPs wife but your comments, whilst valid points, are an unhelpful digressiom from the dilemma rhe OP has presented.

What does that have to do with being forced to stay in a marriage where I’m lonely, unhappy and do everything? I’m unhappy so do I have a choice or not?

Anti depressants don’t stop you from being suicidal and in fact they quite often have the opposite effect particularly when you first start taking them and actually come with a warning saying one side effect is feeling suicidal 

A much bigger pattern than what exactly? You still base this on it not being ongoing, regardless of blame she tells me I have no alternative but to stay with her but do I have a choice? Based on your logic it depends on her side?

Yeah and like I said having a mental health crisis isn’t enough to criminally prosecute someone for coercive control particularly as a first offence. There would have to be a much bigger pattern and I’m sure they would also listen to her side too…. 

I posted because I get told I am a nasty horrible person and should do more but I’ve done everything I can think of and nothings working, I’ve tried leaving relationship but I get slandered on Facebook or stuff sent to the kids causing more distress. I just wanted to be 100% sure I’d not overlooked anything but I cannot put one person first because they have autism and ignore the suffering happening to 3 young autistic people in a situation they have no control over. 

Biggest issue is she doesn’t know what it means to be autistic, it’s easy for her to say to me I’m nasty ending our relationship when it’s not her fault she is autistic but she doesn’t engage and has had lots of support but always fails, i understand her autism but she has no interest in learning even, 600 Internet searches in a week about side effects of meds l, withdrawals, I bought her a lucozade because she’d been a little unwell and she even googled side effects of that, even when the gp says it’s not the tablets causing issues she stops them because she’s in control.

It must be very frightening not to say exhausting to be in this situation for you, but also for your wife. It sounds as if you both feel not to be heard by the other. 

When parents are coping with a child with this sort of threat Non Violent Resistance parenting courses can be very helpful as these work with the parent who is the person willing to engage. These courses give techniques which can be used in many other relationships. As with any psychological intervention they do not always take into account the differences in meaning and communication caused by neurodivergence unless facilitators understand this or if the parents have a good understanding of neurodiversity and neurodivergence. I would suggest that you make sure you do have the best understanding of these things, maybe from taking the NAS modules or maybe using the Future learn courses on understanding ADHD and autism and also joining an NVR course to learn how to show you are hearing her meaning but also to assert your rights to certain boundaries for your own safety and that of your children.

Her behaviour sounds to constitute emotional abuse, even if this is unintentional, at the very least and your children should be protected from this as their safety has to be the number one priority. At the same time she and you need help so that this situation can have a happier solution.

Sorry this is so long and maybe too directive, I have to declare an interest as I assist at NVR courses local to me to provide a neurodivergent perspective to help parents to understand when a "won't do" is actually a "can't do" and I am very biased towards NVR. You might find more information about this to see if you think it could be relevant to you and your situation.

Whatever you do there is a need for help for you all. Just my opinion, and I only know what you have posted about your situation, you are the expert on that.

Threatening suicide unless demands are met together with other behaviours that are having a detrimental affect on family members may be coercive control which is a form of abuse. 

no, you absolutely dont take that chance. whether your children's self harm and threats are learned behaviour or distress, they are responses to the situation they are in. They dont have the power to take themselves out of that situation

i'm realy pleased that you have identified a trusted friend who sounds like they may be able to help and support you better than an Internet forum of strangers.

She may very well be suicidal, I wasn't denying that. If she is then she should take the help that is being offered. the OP has said that she is not taking the antidepressants prescribed. If she is suicidal she needs to go to a hospital and accept help not just make threats to family and blame them.

The relationship sounds dysfunctional. It is a dependency. Using threats to kill yourself is emotional blackmail. Having other people call you threatening harm is threatening behaviour.

Relying on someone else to do all the house hold tasks for 5 years is not exactly an even split.

Worrying your children to the point they call the police is not healthy.

If they are distressed they will suffer lifelong consequences. If the home is not safe it causes significant problems.

She may be burnt out, but she is not the only one being affected. Is it sad, yes. Is it something that can continue endlessly, no. They don't have a right to ruin other people's lives.

I would say though it is hard to see from the inside, but how long do you wait. I don't know how you can get someone to see, but it ought to be obvious something is not right. To think there is a tablet that will fix it is not such an odd idea if that is what you have always known. But a psychiatrist prescribes drugs. Maybe she needs an autism aware  psychologist.