My 47Y/O Female wife

You don't need an educational course in ASD, because you have life experience and were able to see the traits and behaviour exhibited by your wife. Doing a course  will not help you understand the predicaments that are before you, unless you can find a course in your area that you will learn specifically about your situation . It will only confuse you more if the behaviour she exhibits cannot be addressed through learnng. You do not seem to be asking about learning about ASD/ADHD, but  how the meltdowns and effect of COVID have impacted on her. 

Firstly, it depends on where you live,and which county you live in,as to how help can be given. For example,my son lives in an area where AUTISM and ADHD is diagnosed and supported by psychiatry. I live in a county with adult autism centres where the support for autism and co-morbid difficulties is provided through psychotherapy, not psychiatry. 

Secondly, you mention COVID. Our autistic profile identifies the difficulties caused by social interaction,and lockdown played to that profile. Coming out of COVUD was one of the scariest things I have experienced as an autistic female. It made it harder to be with people,and the only way I managed it was to take it step by step and get supporting  counselling and psychotherapy. Additionally,as a woman, perimenopause and indeed menopause are horrendous to navigate. As we do not know why we feel the way we do our only insight is to research this. Unfortunately unless you understand the impact of aging and perimenopause on our autism,it is impossible to know anything other than the suggestion that our illness is far worse than what those who are perimenopausal tell us. This can lead to us thinking that we are ill. I am the opposite to your wife because I have worked with research in a university about how aging impacts on autism. If I had not done this,and worked with researchers and doctors to discuss an issue that has not yet been dealt with by the medical profession, I would be like your wife. It is really hard understanding what perimenopause is doing to us,because we look in the mirror and many of us do not see our age therefore do not respond like neurotypicals. 

If I was in the situation that you are I would question what support is available to you. If you can get your doctor to refer your wife to a neuropsychology team they can help her understand her autistic/ASD profile,and work with her to create strategies that she can use to deal with her situation.

Finally if your area does not work with neuropsychology or adult autism teams please look at any physical support groups that you can go to for yourself,or any neuro/autism pathways that your National Health providers provide.

As I do not know you or your wife I am sorry that I cannot offer advice pertaining to your exact situation. I know from questioning my medication that the tablets I had been given fuelled my foggy brain and made me despair at always feeling ill. Fortunately I have regular reviews of my medication,so given that your wife has been on antidepressants for twnty years I hope that this is regularly monitored to. Sometimes what you see is not ADHD or Autism,but the impact of how we age,particularly for the female body, and sometimes other things are going on too. I hope that you are able to request a review of medication,and ask about what pathway she can be placed on to help her understand both her diagnoses and her perimenopausal difficulties. I would request follow up care because she was only diagnosed six months ago. Please be aware of the legal Right to Choose in the NHS,as this means you can talk with your doctor,or do your own research about autistic pathways for support in any area of England that you are able to travel to. The GP must agree that your choice is clinically appropriate for your wife. If your wife is cognatively high functioning she should be able to go to the doctors herself with your support if medical appointments are hard for her. If you want to do this please check your NHS site for - right to choose - Autism.

I am not a doctor so anything I have written comes from my personal experience. If your wife is cognatively able,but not prepared to seek continuing support please remember that your health is important to, and you may wish to investigate help on the NHS for those whose relationships are impacted by autism. Sometimes being cognatively able and autistic is a curse because trying to understand why all these things are happening to our body in perimenopause,when we haven't even worked out how Autism and ADHD are affecting our body,is a nightmare of trying to hang on to what we can control.

Sorry for the essay - one of my autistic weaknesses to have to say as much as I can, just in case one thing resonates with you. I know it is very hard, because I live with a neurotypical husband who cannot possibly understand my autism,but tries so hard to get right what is impossible to get right. Whatever you do, I wish you and your wife a positive future.

do psychologists even describe someone as narcissistic? That word is thrown around too often I just thought it was an uneducated broad term for specific personality disorders. It’s good that you’ve got some help though and progressing in a positive direction 

thank you for updating us. I"ve been hoping you were doing ok. :)

1. Just an update here, spoken to someone from the Autism hub near me, explained the hypersensitivity and how she’s never at fault, he believes it to be Vulnerable Narcissism from childhood trauma as well as Autism, going to see if there’s any counsellors in the area that deal with those issues specifically and give them a try.

Thank you to all on here from either perspective and hopefully in the not too distant future I can provide a positive update on the journey.

At the moment there seems to be no downside to her behaviour, as in no consequences .

She needs to regulate herself first.

If she can't or won't then this is not solvable. You can't regulate other people, it leads to  hyper vigilance, burnout, dysfunction (dependency) and trauma if not careful (as I know).

I would still try the doctor together and give it time to see if she will work with you now she has the diagnosis and explores everything including your relationship together. Personally I think it would be better for your kids to see you both working together to create a solution…. If she won’t engage then there’s not much you can do after that. Talking to your counsellor friend hopefully will help think of a way to communicate with her in which she will work with you 

Yeah it’s sounding worse now like you do need more support…. And you don’t need your cupboards throwing all over the place. I don’t know if you have asked her (maybe you wrote it earlier and I’ve missed it) but I think try and get her to go to the doctors with you together and see if there is some sort of counselling you can do as a couple in relation to also the new diagnosis. I’m not sure why she has done that with the clothes maybe the doctor will find out 

The go to is just stupid things like tipping clothes are over or the shoe cupboard or throwing stuff, all of that I can deal with, having our sons scared and used I can’t 

For instance if i am having a meltdown it means I probably don’t go to the party because there’s too much going on or there’s too much conflict amongst other people but if I have a meltdown it’s silent and I just remove myself or I tell everybody I’m not prepared to deal with them and their control so don’t speak to me 

Ok now you’re adding the detail that makes it more scary (you didn’t need to) but if they’re empty threats (she hasn’t done anything physical before or during) then there is still time to not write her off from life. It’s hard when kids are involved and especially if she’s starting to use them against you - that’s where I loose support for somebody. Meltdown is a broad term and it doesn’t automatically mean I or anybody knows that , that is what it looks like or means for you.  
you absolutely should not ignore your children.

I know you haven’t. I’m concerned about people responding and reinforcing the negative when you’re in a vulnerable place over seeking correct support - I know you haven’t mentioned the NHS haven’t been particularly supportive to you and I think you should book an appointment for yourself. You’re right in what you said later on about her ordering the medication and the detail you listed about trying to stop her - fully support you there. I’m not expecting you to provide deep detail - I just thought people jumped in too heavy too soon with minimal detail about why this woman who is clearly suffering (your whole family is with this situation) about why she is wrong and to suggest you have no future and there is no work through for this. There may be elements of coercive control but the police won’t prosecute somebody on that alone and especially as a first time offender - they will want to try to do the best for your family and they might try to provide you with more information to be able to provide a workable solution before it gets to that stage. It’s difficult if you feel like everybody is against you - I would rather see you all pulled out of this sticky place which has gone on for a while. 20 years is a long time and there is a lot to explore here especially if either of you don’t know how to explore you’re difficulties (we’re not all psychologists) and find a better future for all of you without any extremes 

Honestly at no point have I said it’s her fault but should I put me and my children through this when she leads me to believe I am a horrible human being for not being able to cope.

My eldest is bisexual(not that it makes any difference at all) but they have told me they can’t hope with her anger, threats to let my sons dog out on the streets, to smash my tv or she’s going to go tell social services stuff because if she can’t be with the kids I don’t deserve to either, literally I told you my sons self harmed because they told me it was because of her meltdowns yet you still try to say look elsewhere, should I ignore my children then?

Yeah I know you didn’t say you were going to prosecute her. it’s more the other people reinforcing the coercive control and worst outcome scenarios with little information 

No it does not make it less scary but I’m not sure what the scary factor is, so far you have described her being suicidal and telling you that. I haven’t read anything further and being suicidal is scary yes but is it the same scary as her being an evil person - I don’t know. (Can’t think of anything else) I was just saying she needs HELP. There’s nothing to say your children aren’t self harming (which is so awful I’m so sorry to hear about that) because of other reasons maybe they’re dealing with their sexuality, bullying etc etc many other things teenagers deal with but to tell you to get out and do not take a chance on minimal information on a forum of people who are here for mental health support mostly (which you don’t need to share) I don’t think it helpful personally. I’m just saying there are better solutions for everybody hopefully 

Not once did I say I was prosecuting anyone,

quite the opposite actually but her behaviour is scaring our sons, I reassure them but does that make it less scary?

It’s good that your trusted friend is a councillor so hopefully they will actually be able to give you some sound advice on the situation particularly if they know your wife and your problems more in depth 

Who is prosecuting anyone?

I haven’t made any assumptions about you whatsoever ever, I’m simply saying I hope nobody says this about you in regards to your diagnosis as in this woman also has a diagnosis - not to give you a chance. When I was splitting up with my ex I got these comments saying he’s unstable he might kill you blah blah no he’s not and no he’s not going to kill me and it’s this kind of instigation of moral panic that makes things worse.
I can identify that this man is struggling but he needs to get support to do things properly not just prosecute somebody for poor mental health: it’s unhelpful and when people are struggling with their own mental health as a result of the situation that they are in I don’t believe it is reasonable to reinforce that narrative 

for your convenience I have flagged this post to a moderator. I hope they have time to read all of the comments.

FWIW It seems like you have made some incredibly inaccurate assumptions about me.