Holding Out for My Mr. Darcy

Agreed.

I think you’re right about wanting depth, emotional intelligence and a real partnership that’s the goal and I don’t think you get that by looking for mr Darcy…. I never looked for anybody but always preferred somebody I could talk to, and intellectual. But you also don’t get that by choosing a person who is obsessed with you  - they just abandon you when you need them and the next obsession comes along 

Nobody is perfect and they don’t need to be 

Sorry i just got on here for autism. Is this site mostly just dating apps?

Real is definitely the goal.

Some men pretend that they are like that until they hook you in….. then you discover they have a whole different personality. Choose somebody real 

Yes, less autistic is incorrect, but I think I came across less autistic.  I developed what could be seen as a better level of NT camoflauge.  I suppressed probably 95% of my autistic traits, just to survive school.  That may well be the reason I managed to hold it together for so long, well I had to.  Being an emotional wreck at school in the 80's was like asking to be bullied more and don't get me wrong I was getting my head pounded in at breaks a lot because you can hide, but at the end of the day you are still hiding in plain sight and no one does it perfectly, so i was still different, just less different, less of a weirdo.  Some others got it far worse.  I realise my girlfriend at the time and some of my other friends were also part of the ND community, so we .  I also had friends that understood and offered some protection from it.  But one day it just fell apart and that was the end of me in that school (and I kind of fell out of the education system shortly after) and with it went the girlfriend, I guess I reached snap point, but there were limits on being a chameleon back then and my home life was just one big meltdown (not a bad childhood, but I was a complete mess throughout it). 

So nowadays I go walking a lot, mostly long distance.  That's my sanity activity.  Grab some gear and just climb a mountain or walk across a country.  I meet many people while doing it, some I click with, but nothing has ever come from it, but it's social contact so i can be happy for a short time and maybe have a deep conversation once in a while.  I've learned to be happy with what I can get, even if it's only a small portion of what I would like. 

The last couple of years, I started learning new languages so I might be able to converse with more people, maybe increase my chances. But also make new friends.

Good to hear NM, I've met so many people, mostly women who are putting thier lives on hold waiting for A.N Other to come along and make thier lives perfect, I did myself for a while and it's a waste, it stops you living. I guess I was waiting for someone to rescue me from a bad relationship, I dont' know why I thought someone would when I've always had to be my own cavalry and rescue myself?

Thank you for sharing this so honestly. What you’ve written will resonate with a lot of people here, that slow erosion of hope, the fear of rejection, and the way chances can feel clearer only in hindsight.

I want to gently push back on one thing, though, if that’s okay. You weren’t “less autistic” back then. You were younger, in a different environment, with fewer accumulated hurts and fears. Autism doesn’t fade in and out but confidence, safety, and capacity absolutely do.

It makes a lot of sense that after years of anxiety and rejection, protecting yourself by not trying feels safer. That isn’t failure, it’s self-preservation. And it’s also understandable to still feel that quiet pull when you meet someone and imagine what might have been possible under different conditions.

What you describe wanting, shared adventure, movement, nature, watching the world wake up, says something really lovely about you. Even if that connection hasn’t happened in the way you hoped, that part of you is still alive and meaningful.

I don’t think it’s “game over,” but I also respect how tired you are. Making life interesting, finding moments of beauty and meaning, is not giving up, it’s choosing to keep living in a way that feels real to you.

I’m really glad you shared this here. You’re not alone in feeling this way, even when it feels deeply personal.

Thank you for trusting me with something so personal. What you’ve shared carries an enormous amount of grief, insight, and honesty, and I want you to know it really landed with me.

It sounds like you gave everything you had with the knowledge and tools you had at the time. Burnout, masking, and not understanding your own needs can distort reality so profoundly, none of that makes you weak or at fault. It makes you human, and it makes sense that things felt impossible when your nervous system was overwhelmed.

The loss you describe isn’t just of a relationship, but of a future you believed in, and of the version of yourself you might have been with the understanding you have now. That kind of grief is deep and destabilising, and it’s understandable that it still echoes years later.

I’m really glad you’ve reached a place where you have answers and a diagnosis, even though I know how bittersweet that clarity can be. It doesn’t erase what was lost, but it does mean that the struggles weren’t a personal failing. You mattered then, and you matter now, even if it doesn’t always feel that way.

You’ve survived life on hard mode for a very long time. The fact that you’re still reflecting, still hoping for meaning, and still imagining a future says a lot about your strength, even if you don’t feel strong at all.

I’m really glad you’re here and that you shared this. 

NeurodivergentMind said:

It didn’t escape my notice that you said you used to have hope. What happened to it?

It is hard to answer this and I am still trying to come to terms with my life. I didn't know whether to say something.

I had someone I put huge effort into for 7 years. I wanted to buy a house together, we talked about our future, we'd had some good holidays. We were quite similar, but also complimentary. I fancied her so much even after 7 years. We rented a stone cottage in the Cotswolds by a canal, looking over fields with a stone pub round the corner.

I was struggling, masking, and putting too much in. I earned the most and had supported her doing qualifications. I didn't understand relationships very well. We had some miscommunications which caused problems. I ended up burntout and had a complete emotional overload and ended up ashamed alone lying on the floor. We split up, my idea, I was told she was no good for me by a counsellor the year before.  She has proposed joint counseling but I had refused. She was too blunt and in burnout everything is seen as a threat.

She suggested autism and neglect, but I rejected it. I thought I was being manipulated. She said I needed boundaries but I didn't know what that meant. I thought she was making me depressed. I had dysfunctional thoughts.

Autistic burnout was not known 30 years ago. You couldn't get an adult ASD diagnosis. Masking was unknown. The effects of childhood emotional neglect were not well known, etc. I hide everything very well. I can function on the outside even while collapsing. I thought she had broken me. I realised this year I broke myself (29 year delayed processing, must be some sort of record). There is more to it, shame, guilt, confusion and trauma play a part

I buried it all and hoped to find someone, but I don't know how. I hoped I would meet someone at work or in a pub. But work is isolating and it never happened. I never met anyone the same. I think about her every week. I also thought it would be best to be alone, it seemed easier, plus it seemed to be my destiny. This appears to also be dysfunctional thinking. But it is easier and more regulated to be alone, if more empty.

If I'd known what I know now, it would have been possible to make it work. It didn't know it was just burnout 

I have overworked, up to 110 hrs in a week once, to compensate and try to prove I was worth something. But I pushed too hard and nothing quite worked out. Due to continuous overload it has been a struggle.

Life has been a huge endurance test. It hasn't really been worth it. The odds were always stacked against me. Life in hard mode.

This year I finally eased off and got diagnosed. Now I see all the issues were not insurmountable. I didn't achieve my dreams. I wasted my money and I lost my friend and person I was ted to share my life and memories with. I wrote to her a few months ago to say sorry and thank you, but it was ignored.

The grief has been profound and very destabilising. I just wanted to matter to someone and for someone to be proud of me.

I am not young anymore. I feel I am just starting my life. I don't plan to retire. If I can make it to 90 I have 30 years. I can have a new life but I don't have as much energy as I once did and I am not rich.

I think a lot of us used to have hope, but it dies out bit by bit the longer you are single.  Once you reach 30 years without being in a relationship with someone else, it's heading towards game over.  I did have a girlfriend once upon a time, when I was at school.  I do often wonder if I was less autistic back then, because I somehow managed to get a girlfriend and it lasted for a year.  But as an adult I have continually failed. 

I honestly gave up for the most part after i hit 40 and i'm now at 50, so it's completely unlikely going forward.  Still occasionally I meet people i get on with and wonder somewhere deep in my soul if it's still possible, but I also realise I have had many chances over my life time that i haven't grasped due to fear, social anxiety and generally being unable to talk to another person. I don't bother trying to grasp them as I don't know if I could tolerate any potential rejection.

What I would like is someone who would enjoy walking up a mountain with me and watching the sun come up, or walking across a country just for the sake of adventure.  I doubt I will ever find her, but hey ho, as long as I make life interesting I can get by.

I’ve been married for almost 7 years now and together for almost 16. I have a 3 year old son. My wife isn’t ND that we know of, but she doesn’t seem to ‘get it’ and struggles to understand my viewpoint a lot of the time. It can be difficult at times for both of us as I can still feel misunderstood and not seen but it’s work in progress like any relationship. Having my son was difficult in the beginning but now it’s the most amazing thing. He gives me so much joy - it also helps he’s extremely cheeky and funny. 

Glad to hear that’s the case. I hear what you’re saying, and I agree, life doesn’t need to be on hold waiting for a relationship. I’m content living my life as it is, with the openness that if the right person ever came along, they’d be welcome.

I am content where I am and I find my life quite meaningful, I just don't need a relationship with another human to make me feel complete in some way. I have a dog to go for walks with and cats for cuddles, thats more than enough for me.

I suppose I was meaning don't get hung up on having a relationship, live life for you right now, don't wait for another person to come along before you start living.

Thanks for sharing your perspective. I wouldn’t want to assume anything about your current relationship or experiences. I do hope you’re content where you are, and if not, that something meaningful finds its way to you in time.

I think we'd all like those things, I think we're conditioned to expect them, whether we'll get them though is a totally diferent matter. Some people seem to manage to find someone of the like you describe, for the rest of us, it's no more than a fantasy and we settle for Mr Right Now rather than Mr Forever.

I'm not a romantic person and I'm not sure the ideal partner exists for everyone, I don't think they do for me certainly.

how long have you been married for and do you have children? Is your wife also ND and do you think this helps? 

Hi Iain,
Thanks for taking the time to reply. You’ve shared a lot of thoughtful ideas and I appreciate that.

I do reflect on what I bring to a relationship as well as what I’m looking for, and I’m always open to learning and growth. Like most people, I’m a work in progress, but I do value emotional awareness, respect and openness in myself and others.

I’m not completely closed off to dating apps, but I’m not sure they’re the right fit for me at the moment. The idea of meeting someone more organically, in person, feels more natural and appealing. I probably just need to make more effort to get out and about.

I am a reader and a writer, although at the moment I’m studying alongside working full time, so finding the time for clubs or groups can be a challenge. It’s something I will strongly think about when life allows a bit more space.

Thanks again for the perspective, it’s given me some things to think about.

NeurodivergentMind said:

I’m simply looking for a man with depth, respect, emotional intelligence, a capacity for growth, and a genuine desire for real partnership.

I've been quite deep down the relationship hunting rabbit hole for a few weeks now and one thing I can suggest may give some cause for reflection.

You detail what you want from someone but what do you offer in return? Are you respectful, emotionally intelligent and open to growth and a normal relationship or do you come with a load of special conditions attached?

This is not a dig - it is a reality check to help you think about how you will appear to the prospective gentlement out there.

If you think you fall short on any of these aspects, how are you planning to fix these? Having failings is fine but having weaknesses you will not adress is another. This is part of being self aware and the growth we talked about.

As for the hunt for a partner - what avenues have you tried? Dating apps are a bit of a minefield as I am finding out and my gender is behaving appalingly on there en masse - finding a prince takes the sifting of many frogs.

Are you a reader? Perhaps find places that discuss books about a genre you like (ie book clubs or forums) and you may find someone with enough shared interests to assess as a partner - obviously a bit of work before even getting to the possible relationship discussion but at least it will be about something you like.

Volunteering work can be a good way to find decent people although whether they are available, in the right age bracket and interested / interesting makes this a long shot.

After thinking of all the options, the apps still seem your best option just because of the volume of people looking for a relationship and the ability to vett them effectively.