Holding Out for My Mr. Darcy

NeurodivergentMind said:

I’m simply looking for a man with depth, respect, emotional intelligence, a capacity for growth, and a genuine desire for real partnership.

I've been quite deep down the relationship hunting rabbit hole for a few weeks now and one thing I can suggest may give some cause for reflection.

You detail what you want from someone but what do you offer in return? Are you respectful, emotionally intelligent and open to growth and a normal relationship or do you come with a load of special conditions attached?

This is not a dig - it is a reality check to help you think about how you will appear to the prospective gentlement out there.

If you think you fall short on any of these aspects, how are you planning to fix these? Having failings is fine but having weaknesses you will not adress is another. This is part of being self aware and the growth we talked about.

As for the hunt for a partner - what avenues have you tried? Dating apps are a bit of a minefield as I am finding out and my gender is behaving appalingly on there en masse - finding a prince takes the sifting of many frogs.

Are you a reader? Perhaps find places that discuss books about a genre you like (ie book clubs or forums) and you may find someone with enough shared interests to assess as a partner - obviously a bit of work before even getting to the possible relationship discussion but at least it will be about something you like.

Volunteering work can be a good way to find decent people although whether they are available, in the right age bracket and interested / interesting makes this a long shot.

After thinking of all the options, the apps still seem your best option just because of the volume of people looking for a relationship and the ability to vett them effectively.

NeurodivergentMind said:

I’m simply looking for a man with depth, respect, emotional intelligence, a capacity for growth, and a genuine desire for real partnership.

I've been quite deep down the relationship hunting rabbit hole for a few weeks now and one thing I can suggest may give some cause for reflection.

You detail what you want from someone but what do you offer in return? Are you respectful, emotionally intelligent and open to growth and a normal relationship or do you come with a load of special conditions attached?

This is not a dig - it is a reality check to help you think about how you will appear to the prospective gentlement out there.

If you think you fall short on any of these aspects, how are you planning to fix these? Having failings is fine but having weaknesses you will not adress is another. This is part of being self aware and the growth we talked about.

As for the hunt for a partner - what avenues have you tried? Dating apps are a bit of a minefield as I am finding out and my gender is behaving appalingly on there en masse - finding a prince takes the sifting of many frogs.

Are you a reader? Perhaps find places that discuss books about a genre you like (ie book clubs or forums) and you may find someone with enough shared interests to assess as a partner - obviously a bit of work before even getting to the possible relationship discussion but at least it will be about something you like.

Volunteering work can be a good way to find decent people although whether they are available, in the right age bracket and interested / interesting makes this a long shot.

After thinking of all the options, the apps still seem your best option just because of the volume of people looking for a relationship and the ability to vett them effectively.

Hi Iain,
Thanks for taking the time to reply. You’ve shared a lot of thoughtful ideas and I appreciate that.

I do reflect on what I bring to a relationship as well as what I’m looking for, and I’m always open to learning and growth. Like most people, I’m a work in progress, but I do value emotional awareness, respect and openness in myself and others.

I’m not completely closed off to dating apps, but I’m not sure they’re the right fit for me at the moment. The idea of meeting someone more organically, in person, feels more natural and appealing. I probably just need to make more effort to get out and about.

I am a reader and a writer, although at the moment I’m studying alongside working full time, so finding the time for clubs or groups can be a challenge. It’s something I will strongly think about when life allows a bit more space.

Thanks again for the perspective, it’s given me some things to think about.