My predicament

Say because she has it in her head that I fancy him, she thinks sending me his pics etc are helping when really as you say she isn’t. Like what used to help me has been ruined because of this bloke. I will defo mention this to my psychologist when I see her again. When I say sends me things, I was meaning in an email or over wats app or iMessages, sorry I was vague there, that’s the Gen Z in me I guess lol! 

Thank you for understanding why I have posted this. I’ve actually had a lovely night with my mum and she didn’t even mention him for once but I do feel that was more of a fluke. I mean she hasn’t mentioned him for ages until the other day, must be because she’s watching a program with him in. I mean she’s even trying to get me to watch it and sending me videos of naughty scenes, if I liked him I’d be jealous. But it’s getting that way that she’s losing sleep so she can watch him or she can’t sleep because she needs to watch him and it’s getting really worrying now. He’s not even a nice person apparently but she doesn’t seem to accept that. 

I agree. It seems rather odd behaviour to me. 

Well I’m seeing my psychologist next Saturday so I will mention this to her as well. But I will say that my mum bombarding me with pic/videos/gifs etc has made me feel more and more uncomfortable, I mean today the thought of hearing his name or seeing a pic has now lead me to get anxious, I go over what I should possibly say to her but then I doubt myself, I’ve done this so much that it lead be to a little burnout before and needed to sleep it off. Like I feel I need to talk to my mum to get my thoughts off my chest but I can’t talk in case she mentions her crush. Sorry if I’ve just repeated myself a lot. I will mention this to the psychologist though. 

Yeah, I agree with TheCatWoman, it does sound like she is using you to pretend to herself what she is doing is healthy when it's not. It's almost like you need joint therapy for this one, one where you get her to come with you, but the therapy is actually for her to recognise she can't use you in this way. This is a lot to handle without support certainly!

It's very overwhelming, I'm really not surprised you've got worked up over this, it's entirely justified! 

And if she sends you something, return to sender and say you think she would like it more. Or if she wants to get it, ask her to keep hold of it for you, she might be very willing to do this 'for you'.

Oh I know what you mean! Elfilis  :-)

Aww well thank you for your advice. Guess I will just have to ignore the best I can and hope she will get out of this phase. I just want to help her more than anything. This must be what it’s like to be a parent to a teen  I can tell you I was no where near as bad when it came to crushes. Though one time just after lockdown I had a crush on a worker for over a year and when I found out he had a girlfriend I was in tears for days. Now I’m like WTF was that about! Crushes and love, they can be painful I tell you that! 

Figure what we're getting at is that the probably only legal and ethical way is for your mum to want to and stop for herself Elfilis .

'til then learning ways that enable you to deal with how it effects you are maybe the best solution?

hence - "let then get on with it" - be metaphorical platinum as a catalyst - enable the reaction but don't get harmed in the process

easier said than done - we are after all emotional and caring creatures :-)

Ahh that makes more sense, sorry I misunderstood your first comment. I can be vague at times myself, I guess because I’m on a forum I naturally go more vague lol. But yeah I totally get what you and Phased are saying. 

I guess my point is how do I stop my mum from going on about her crush? How do I let her know I’m not interested? How do I get through to her that I’m not interested and now I’m having nightmares of this crush. I have no control but omg does she have to bombard me with him. I just want her to stop but I have no control! 

If I get a flaming calendar or cardboard cut out of this crush (especially for my birthday or Xmas) I will be so PO ed. 

Thanks Stuart333 I found it a good exercise for me :-)

Managing others emotions without exhaustion and masking is maybe possible if one can be (and be allowed to be) "authentic" I wonder?

In chemistry a catalyst enables reactions to take place without itself being harmed in the process.

maybe something to aspire to?

What I was getting at is you can't control others but you can control what you think, even if it's not easy.

Trying to manage others emotions is exhausting and masking. You will lose yourself and burn out.

I think Phased  has covered it.

These crushes of your Mum's and her needing to overshare them with you, to me, feels really uncomfortable and I wonder how much they're adding to your problems? It's almost like your Mum can't seperate the two of you and that she's projecting her crush on to you to make you complicit in something, maybe it's to do with her own inner workings. But it's definately something I'd discuss with your psychologist.

Thanks Elfilis 

yes maybe the old stuff is the best :-)

What I have shared with you is, I think, a work up of Plato's "allegory of the cave" from over two and a half thousand years ago!

Allegory of the cave - Wikipedia

Worth thinking about - hehe I think!

All the best :-)

What you have written is brilliant! It’s not guff at all lol! Sometimes the old stuff is the best stuff as well. I will mention this to my psychologist and hopefully she can maybe help me practice this. As I say it never feels right at first, like I think I need to take back control, but then I feel guilty being in control because of what others have said and I go in this vicious cycle again. I need to stop this though but ugh all these sabotaging voices. Hope this makes sense. Say I need to break it one way or another. 

"I feel I’ve just lost so much control of myself and even how I think. "

Perhaps this is a consequence of the "cognitive masking" that the link describes?

Perhaps it is a strange thing to consider that one may have control over how one thinks?

The evidence is that other people do have control over how other people think.  The whole advertising industry for example relies upon this.

I figure that in order to "take control" over how one thinks first one needs to be receptive to evidence of what one says, does or what internal voice(s) is saying.  

There is then potentially a process of "fact checking" one might engage with in order to ascertain whether this thinking is "right".  Based on available evidence be it memories or the shared thoughts of others, ethics or values etc.

One is then perhaps able to consider alternative possibilities - maybe thoughts that haven't been able to be heard because they've been crowded out by louder, more insistent or persistent ones.  Or maybe entirely new ones can be appreciated.

Eventually one might be able to deduce certain biases in thinking one has and be able to consider alternate ways of thinking.

Then comes the possibility of selectively "take control" by choosing how one thinks from balancing the variety of possibilities that are available.

With practice this becomes a skill that is easier to engage with in my experience.

Hehe, I do find myself coming out with a load of old guff sometimes - still I think what I have written has some validity :-)

I’ll add this, I’m actually worried about my mum now because I think this crush of hers is starting to overpower her. I mean she’s wanting to get me a calendar of this crush of hers and even a life size cardboard cut out of him. I can’t seem to get through to her that I don’t fancy him. If she wants them for herself then I can’t stop her but omg if I get them, then what do I say or do? Let’s just hope it doesn’t come to that 

Sorry to interrupt here, I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you have also had a hard time. My nan has become much needy and demanding towards everyone and my mum has to do all the running around, I’m trying to say to my mum to have a break but then she gets pestered with the phone calls and if they get ignored then my nan would call the police. 

Don’t worry about joining in! As I said I guess I’m just a people pleaser in order to feel loved and wanted in the world. I feel I’ve just lost so much control of myself and even how I think. 

Thank you for the link, I’ll have a read of it now. I suppose I’ve masked this thing about my mums crush because when this started, our relationship was strained due to her bully sister. I mean ok no one talks to her now but I still feel like my mum doesn’t love me anymore and if I say something bad about her crush she will get so defensive and angry about what I’ve said or she will give me snarky comments like “have I got sh in my eyes” etc and I just go in this vicious circle. Guess I haven’t got control. 

Ouch I’m sorry you have had those comments from your mum! I think the thing with the majority of parents is that they want their kids to be the way they (their parents) want them to be. They don’t realise that the kids have their own lives as well. I think it’s sad that they have kids so then they have someone to bully and take their frustration out on. I’m not saying all parents are like that of course though and there are plenty who genuinely do want kids and to look after them. I mean I personally don’t want kids but if I did have them I’d make sure they are loved and have a good life. 

Please excuse my joining in (oh the irony of my writing that isn't lost!)  here's a copy and paste from a website that outlines autistic masking:

• Overcompensating in Social Settings:Being excessively polite, agreeable, or accommodating to avoid negative attention.

Autistic Masking Symptoms - Signs, Traits, Effects,

It's not just you Elfilis :-)

Trust me. Ignoring others is easier said than done. I also have EUPD, BDD and CPTSD if that explains my situation more.