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My predicament

Elfilis

The horrible past traumas are all rearing their ugly heads and tormenting and upsetting me etc. my self doubts and these various nasty voices are as loud as ever and I can’t focus or even sleep well. Also having nightly nightmares which leave me panicked, shocked, uneasy etc for like the whole day and then I get anxious with the thought of going to sleep. 

Normally she (my mum) helps me with my techniques which involves mentioning the things that I like, but now once again she is mentioning this celebrity who she has a crush on and she thinks I also have a crush on him. I never have but I’m scared to say anything she ends up saying stuff like “why don’t you like him” or something. I’ve tried saying he’s not a nice person IRL, I’ve even freaked out when she mentions him, I’ve tried changing the subject or not showing interest when she mentions him but all to no avail. I’ve even tried to drown her out when she mentions him but then she says this “isn’t like me”.

I mean I’ve had crushes before but omg I was never as obsessed and went on about them compared to my mum with this bloke. 

If I'm struggling I’ll let her know and she replies to me whenever she can sending and talking about things I like. But now she has once again started sending this crush of hers and I don’t want to put up with seeing him but I also don’t want to not mention the stuff that does help me or even put that stuff away. I just don’t know how to get through to her and not upset her at the same time. 

Sorry this has ended up being a long post, guess I just needed to get it off my chest. If anyone has any advice I’ll be grateful. 

Parents

  • I don't mean this in a bad way, it is just an idea to think about.

    Why are you so worried about what others say?

    You've stated here you know your own mind. You are your own person. You don't need their approval or validation. You have confidence.

    What is it you are worried about underneath? I know criticism, real or perceived can be hard, but you can choose what to do. Maybe they aren't a criticism, they are just comments or points of view. 

  • in reply to Stuart333

    Trust me. Ignoring others is easier said than done. I also have EUPD, BDD and CPTSD if that explains my situation more. 

Reply Children
  • in reply to Phased

    Aww well thank you for your advice. Guess I will just have to ignore the best I can and hope she will get out of this phase. I just want to help her more than anything. This must be what it’s like to be a parent to a teen Rofl I can tell you I was no where near as bad when it came to crushes. Though one time just after lockdown I had a crush on a worker for over a year and when I found out he had a girlfriend I was in tears for days. Now I’m like WTF was that about! Crushes and love, they can be painful I tell you that! 

  • in reply to Elfilis

    Figure what we're getting at is that the probably only legal and ethical way is for your mum to want to and stop for herself  .

    'til then learning ways that enable you to deal with how it effects you are maybe the best solution?

    hence - "let then get on with it" - be metaphorical platinum as a catalyst - enable the reaction but don't get harmed in the process

    easier said than done - we are after all emotional and caring creatures :-)

  • in reply to Stuart333

    Ahh that makes more sense, sorry I misunderstood your first comment. I can be vague at times myself, I guess because I’m on a forum I naturally go more vague lol. But yeah I totally get what you and Phased are saying. 

    I guess my point is how do I stop my mum from going on about her crush? How do I let her know I’m not interested? How do I get through to her that I’m not interested and now I’m having nightmares of this crush. I have no control but omg does she have to bombard me with him. I just want her to stop but I have no control! 

    If I get a flaming calendar or cardboard cut out of this crush (especially for my birthday or Xmas) I will be so PO ed. 

  • in reply to Stuart333

    Thanks  I found it a good exercise for me :-)

    Managing others emotions without exhaustion and masking is maybe possible if one can be (and be allowed to be) "authentic" I wonder?

    In chemistry a catalyst enables reactions to take place without itself being harmed in the process.

    maybe something to aspire to?

  • in reply to Elfilis

    What I was getting at is you can't control others but you can control what you think, even if it's not easy.

    Trying to manage others emotions is exhausting and masking. You will lose yourself and burn out.

    I think   has covered it.

  • in reply to Elfilis

    Thanks  

    yes maybe the old stuff is the best :-)

    What I have shared with you is, I think, a work up of Plato's "allegory of the cave" from over two and a half thousand years ago!

    Allegory of the cave - Wikipedia

    Worth thinking about - hehe I think!

    All the best :-)

  • in reply to Phased

    What you have written is brilliant! It’s not guff at all lol! Sometimes the old stuff is the best stuff as well. I will mention this to my psychologist and hopefully she can maybe help me practice this. As I say it never feels right at first, like I think I need to take back control, but then I feel guilty being in control because of what others have said and I go in this vicious cycle again. I need to stop this though but ugh all these sabotaging voices. Hope this makes sense. Say I need to break it one way or another. 

  • in reply to Elfilis

    "I feel I’ve just lost so much control of myself and even how I think. "

    Perhaps this is a consequence of the "cognitive masking" that the link describes?

    Perhaps it is a strange thing to consider that one may have control over how one thinks?

    The evidence is that other people do have control over how other people think.  The whole advertising industry for example relies upon this.

    I figure that in order to "take control" over how one thinks first one needs to be receptive to evidence of what one says, does or what internal voice(s) is saying.  

    There is then potentially a process of "fact checking" one might engage with in order to ascertain whether this thinking is "right".  Based on available evidence be it memories or the shared thoughts of others, ethics or values etc.

    One is then perhaps able to consider alternative possibilities - maybe thoughts that haven't been able to be heard because they've been crowded out by louder, more insistent or persistent ones.  Or maybe entirely new ones can be appreciated.

    Eventually one might be able to deduce certain biases in thinking one has and be able to consider alternate ways of thinking.

    Then comes the possibility of selectively "take control" by choosing how one thinks from balancing the variety of possibilities that are available.

    With practice this becomes a skill that is easier to engage with in my experience.

    Hehe, I do find myself coming out with a load of old guff sometimes - still I think what I have written has some validity :-)

  • in reply to Phased

    Don’t worry about joining in! As I said I guess I’m just a people pleaser in order to feel loved and wanted in the world. I feel I’ve just lost so much control of myself and even how I think. 

    Thank you for the link, I’ll have a read of it now. I suppose I’ve masked this thing about my mums crush because when this started, our relationship was strained due to her bully sister. I mean ok no one talks to her now but I still feel like my mum doesn’t love me anymore and if I say something bad about her crush she will get so defensive and angry about what I’ve said or she will give me snarky comments like “have I got sh in my eyes” etc and I just go in this vicious circle. Guess I haven’t got control. 

  • in reply to Elfilis

    Please excuse my joining in (oh the irony of my writing that isn't lost!)  here's a copy and paste from a website that outlines autistic masking:

    • Overcompensating in Social Settings:Being excessively polite, agreeable, or accommodating to avoid negative attention.

    Autistic Masking Symptoms - Signs, Traits, Effects,

    It's not just you  :-)