My predicament

I just wanted to send support, TheCatWoman's post looked really helpful. I've only just started speaking to someone about my issues, so I've not that much experience with dealing with issues as I've just buried everything to the point I'm not coping so much anymore. (Hence trying to get therapy finally).

It does seem like you need to set boundaries if your mum's interest is actually hurting you. It would be one thing if it was just annoying, but you might be better being uncomfortable and finding a way to deal with it then letting it become a thing between? Please ignore this as it's just come from my head and maybe someone else can think of it's any good, but maybe write how you feel -email/text, with a request to not mention him as it's hurting you and you've just not wanted to hurt her feelings as you care about her a lot. And though you shouldn't be the one doing the parenting, suggest to her ways to cope, like if she wants to talk about her crush, then she can send it to you in as letter with a special mark on the envelope, and then you can burn it without opening (as part of the agreement). Then she can write about him without you having to read it? It maybe a bit of a weird way to deal with it, and certainly the empty chair method would be better, but this was more additional? 

I am hoping you can find a solution that can help. (This is coming from someone who is so scared of conflict I have dissociated to avoid it, so appreciate how hard it can be!)

Ahh thank you for getting back to me as well! I’m sorry you are also struggling as well and I think you are being very brave in looking for therapy. I’ve just started seeing a psychologist but I can only just about afford once a month. I hope you feel better and are able to recover from the past! 

That’s a good idea about the letter. I mean in the past if she has sent me pics or videos etc of him then I can just delete, I mean yeah that’s simple but it’s the fact she’s sending me him all the time and going on about him all the time, I just can’t get through to her that I don’t like him. I just don’t want to give up a lot of my stuff and methods that’s make me happy all because of one bloke. Like when I was in my teens I had a few crushes and ok I went on a bit but not to the extent my mum is. Like as you say the parent and daughter role have swapped! 

In the past she’s mentioned other crushes in the past and knows I don’t fancy them but they don’t bother me when she’s talked about them. Plus I suppose when they were younger they weren’t too bad looking. But this one she likes now ugh, she’s got it in her head that I also fancy him and she can’t seem to accept it when I say no. I’m just dreading saying how I feel in case she sends more pics or videos of him. I mean now if I ask for something random like a science from Simpsons hit and run, she will send me something but then also sends me a video or pic of him. If I say I only want something in particular, I’ll get that particular thing, and her crush!

Sorry for my rant but I feel better talking about it here now, at least I’ve got something off my chest! 

These crushes of your Mum's and her needing to overshare them with you, to me, feels really uncomfortable and I wonder how much they're adding to your problems? It's almost like your Mum can't seperate the two of you and that she's projecting her crush on to you to make you complicit in something, maybe it's to do with her own inner workings. But it's definately something I'd discuss with your psychologist.

Say because she has it in her head that I fancy him, she thinks sending me his pics etc are helping when really as you say she isn’t. Like what used to help me has been ruined because of this bloke. I will defo mention this to my psychologist when I see her again. When I say sends me things, I was meaning in an email or over wats app or iMessages, sorry I was vague there, that’s the Gen Z in me I guess lol! 

Thank you for understanding why I have posted this. I’ve actually had a lovely night with my mum and she didn’t even mention him for once but I do feel that was more of a fluke. I mean she hasn’t mentioned him for ages until the other day, must be because she’s watching a program with him in. I mean she’s even trying to get me to watch it and sending me videos of naughty scenes, if I liked him I’d be jealous. But it’s getting that way that she’s losing sleep so she can watch him or she can’t sleep because she needs to watch him and it’s getting really worrying now. He’s not even a nice person apparently but she doesn’t seem to accept that. 

I agree. It seems rather odd behaviour to me. 

Well I’m seeing my psychologist next Saturday so I will mention this to her as well. But I will say that my mum bombarding me with pic/videos/gifs etc has made me feel more and more uncomfortable, I mean today the thought of hearing his name or seeing a pic has now lead me to get anxious, I go over what I should possibly say to her but then I doubt myself, I’ve done this so much that it lead be to a little burnout before and needed to sleep it off. Like I feel I need to talk to my mum to get my thoughts off my chest but I can’t talk in case she mentions her crush. Sorry if I’ve just repeated myself a lot. I will mention this to the psychologist though. 

Yeah, I agree with TheCatWoman, it does sound like she is using you to pretend to herself what she is doing is healthy when it's not. It's almost like you need joint therapy for this one, one where you get her to come with you, but the therapy is actually for her to recognise she can't use you in this way. This is a lot to handle without support certainly!

It's very overwhelming, I'm really not surprised you've got worked up over this, it's entirely justified! 

And if she sends you something, return to sender and say you think she would like it more. Or if she wants to get it, ask her to keep hold of it for you, she might be very willing to do this 'for you'.

Yeah, I agree with TheCatWoman, it does sound like she is using you to pretend to herself what she is doing is healthy when it's not. It's almost like you need joint therapy for this one, one where you get her to come with you, but the therapy is actually for her to recognise she can't use you in this way. This is a lot to handle without support certainly!

It's very overwhelming, I'm really not surprised you've got worked up over this, it's entirely justified! 

And if she sends you something, return to sender and say you think she would like it more. Or if she wants to get it, ask her to keep hold of it for you, she might be very willing to do this 'for you'.

Say because she has it in her head that I fancy him, she thinks sending me his pics etc are helping when really as you say she isn’t. Like what used to help me has been ruined because of this bloke. I will defo mention this to my psychologist when I see her again. When I say sends me things, I was meaning in an email or over wats app or iMessages, sorry I was vague there, that’s the Gen Z in me I guess lol! 

Thank you for understanding why I have posted this. I’ve actually had a lovely night with my mum and she didn’t even mention him for once but I do feel that was more of a fluke. I mean she hasn’t mentioned him for ages until the other day, must be because she’s watching a program with him in. I mean she’s even trying to get me to watch it and sending me videos of naughty scenes, if I liked him I’d be jealous. But it’s getting that way that she’s losing sleep so she can watch him or she can’t sleep because she needs to watch him and it’s getting really worrying now. He’s not even a nice person apparently but she doesn’t seem to accept that.