My predicament

I don't mean this in a bad way, it is just an idea to think about.

Why are you so worried about what others say?

You've stated here you know your own mind. You are your own person. You don't need their approval or validation. You have confidence.

What is it you are worried about underneath? I know criticism, real or perceived can be hard, but you can choose what to do. Maybe they aren't a criticism, they are just comments or points of view. 

Thanks for sharing Elfilis 

Best response I can come up with is that "people are weird"!

best wishes!

I do answer her calls (sometimes skip if I'm really not in a mood and then give her some excuse), but yes her attitude is really ignorant. 

I'm wondering, if she would give sich an answer to someone with drug or alcohol addiction (which turns out is very common in ND people). Like: don't worry, it's not only you abusing drugs and alcohol,  x% of the society has it too. I find it highly inappropriate. In my case too although I'm lucky to not be addicted. 

Totally get youAlien0n3arth 

It's sad that our mum's are like this and I'm only just realizing how manipulative mine has been.

I'm trying not to feel guilty for not visiting, I do call her but even that can me difficult.

I also have problems with my mom. She never accepted not only autism but any of my problems at all, and there were massive problems in the past and I still have them. Her "comforting" me was like: 

- how are you inferior to others? What kind of stupidity have you imagined?

- do you think that a psychologist would help you? (After my cries and begging for help, because I couldn't cope)

- it's not only you! Everyone or X% of the society has the same problems! (While I knew I was profoundly different and my problems were much different that those of majority of my peers)

- what kind of problems you could possibly have, you've got such a beautiful daughter! (I hear it since I gave birth)

Yes I do have a daughter,  I'm happy she is healthy, but it makes me furious how she treats me my whole life, I hate her gaslighting and ignoring. I do talk to my mom but avoid anything related to my problems. 

I completely get that, I really do. If I ever did get the chance to say my opinion, the chances of her not believing are very high. I just don’t understand what it is about this guy that makes him so special compared to all her other crushes?! Why does she expect me and everyone to have a crush on him? I literally ask her these questions and all I get is “it’s *name*” or “what’s not to like about him” or “have you got s in your eyes”. As I write this I’ve had a gif of him ugh. 

My mum even keeps imagining me marrying him! Seriously I’d rather be married to Tec xx of ttyd and he’s a computer (playing the game right now). But then she goes on about the fact her crush is married, why should I care? If I did I’d be jealous and in tears. I’ve been like this before with my own crushes whether they are celebs or not but now I look back and think wtf did I see in them anyway. Hope my mum will finally think this with the block she fancies and obsesses over. Seriously she’s like a teen and I’m now the parent lol!  Like I guess I know what it’s like to be a parent after all lol!

Thanks for listening (or reading)

If she asks your opinion hen that's the door open (hehe at least a little bit...)

You might try to engineer situations when the door is open a bit.... but even then....  I personally rarely expect others to see things the same way as I do unless we are "sympathico" :-)

Pleased you get it Elfilis 

Mum has her coping strategies too maybe...

As Homer Simpson says "doh!"  :-)

Ahh ok that makes perfect sense! Thank you for explaining to me Phased ! 

It’s just so annoying because as I said, my coping techniques are getting ruined. If I stay quiet, I suffer in silence which then leads to more frequent meltdowns of burnouts. If I say I’m struggling she will mention and show me pictures of him! As Bart Simpson says “dammed if I do, dammed if I don’t”

I don't mind you asking Elfilis   In fact i am happy and thank you for doing so :-)

Yep my mum and yours are saying the same thing.

If your mum won't accept the truth in this particular solution it is because their truth is different from yours.

If you're right and they don't want to see it yet then....

If you're wrong then...

"let them get on with it" 

I say this unless there is a truly life threatening risk - the intervene with the minimum possible force :-)

If you don’t mind me asking, what are you meaning in this case? Like let my mum get on with reality? Or let her waffle on and I ignore her? Or something else? Forgive me for asking 

Ironically my mum always says that when she’s talking about her mum. It’s just a pain for me because my mum won’t accept the truth in this particular situation. 

My mum's best advice to me: "let them get on with it" :-)

That’s also a great idea as well! Thank you for being so understanding and letting me rant. 

I actually have a little candle that’s shaped like a volcano that I could use to burn some of my troubles as well. 

Say I’m struggling and I feel I need support so that’s when I message her and in return I get this bloke she likes and thinks we should all like him! Like I can’t win! 

I'm glad we can all least do that for you! I think it's the thing isn't it, when things are just in our heads it's worse. Please rant as much as you need to, and maybe draw a target on a piece of paper and then roll up another into a ball (or 3) and throw it at it when you get frustrated!

Ahh thank you for getting back to me as well! I’m sorry you are also struggling as well and I think you are being very brave in looking for therapy. I’ve just started seeing a psychologist but I can only just about afford once a month. I hope you feel better and are able to recover from the past! 

That’s a good idea about the letter. I mean in the past if she has sent me pics or videos etc of him then I can just delete, I mean yeah that’s simple but it’s the fact she’s sending me him all the time and going on about him all the time, I just can’t get through to her that I don’t like him. I just don’t want to give up a lot of my stuff and methods that’s make me happy all because of one bloke. Like when I was in my teens I had a few crushes and ok I went on a bit but not to the extent my mum is. Like as you say the parent and daughter role have swapped! 

In the past she’s mentioned other crushes in the past and knows I don’t fancy them but they don’t bother me when she’s talked about them. Plus I suppose when they were younger they weren’t too bad looking. But this one she likes now ugh, she’s got it in her head that I also fancy him and she can’t seem to accept it when I say no. I’m just dreading saying how I feel in case she sends more pics or videos of him. I mean now if I ask for something random like a science from Simpsons hit and run, she will send me something but then also sends me a video or pic of him. If I say I only want something in particular, I’ll get that particular thing, and her crush!

Sorry for my rant but I feel better talking about it here now, at least I’ve got something off my chest! 

Ahh ok, I am seeing my psychologist next week so I will mention this empty chair method to her. I think we are going to work on processing the trauma in the new year as these next few sessions are getting to know my history and background at the moment. 

As for my mum, I honestly don’t know why she can’t seem to take my views seriously. I mean she accepts that I don’t fancy other crushes she’s had so I can’t see why she won’t accept I don’t like this bloke. I will defo have to sort some boundaries out, I mean especially in my flat lol! But yeah I just don’t know if she will take them seriously. 

So when I’m upset she will mention what I normally like, which includes characters I like. But she has associated these characters with her crush. So in the hope she won’t mention him, I put these characters etc away and say I only want to talk about something else. She thinks I put them away due to past trauma and bullying related to the characters but she won’t accept the real reason. After time she will mention the characters and if she only mentions them (and their related stuff) then that’s fine but sooner or later she will mention her crush and then the whole cycle begins again. I just don’t know how to get through saying I don’t like her crush. I mean I feel bad as well because she takes her time talking about what I like as well but as far as I’m concerned she likes talking about that stuff too. So yeah my predicament. 

I just wanted to send support, TheCatWoman's post looked really helpful. I've only just started speaking to someone about my issues, so I've not that much experience with dealing with issues as I've just buried everything to the point I'm not coping so much anymore. (Hence trying to get therapy finally).

It does seem like you need to set boundaries if your mum's interest is actually hurting you. It would be one thing if it was just annoying, but you might be better being uncomfortable and finding a way to deal with it then letting it become a thing between? Please ignore this as it's just come from my head and maybe someone else can think of it's any good, but maybe write how you feel -email/text, with a request to not mention him as it's hurting you and you've just not wanted to hurt her feelings as you care about her a lot. And though you shouldn't be the one doing the parenting, suggest to her ways to cope, like if she wants to talk about her crush, then she can send it to you in as letter with a special mark on the envelope, and then you can burn it without opening (as part of the agreement). Then she can write about him without you having to read it? It maybe a bit of a weird way to deal with it, and certainly the empty chair method would be better, but this was more additional? 

I am hoping you can find a solution that can help. (This is coming from someone who is so scared of conflict I have dissociated to avoid it, so appreciate how hard it can be!)

Of course its not a stupid question, it would be better to do empty chair exercises with a therapist, but maybe once you've thought about what you want to say these bullies from your past, write them a letter with all your feelings and write it from an adult perspective, not that of a child and then burn them. I think it's important for you to write as your adult self on behalf of the child you were, it's part of taking the power away from the bullies.

Why do you feel your mum dosen't take your feelings about this bloke seriously?

Maybe you could tell her you will listen to her talk about him for a certain length of time, 20 mins or whatever then she has to shut up and you'll talk about something else. Sounds like you need to set some boundaries with her and she needs to accept your boundaries.

Edited my post  but I guess I am the only one she talks to about this crush of hers. I mean she has her sister but she is normally very busy. But if I say I don’t like this bloke my mum gets very upset or even defensive. Either that or she doesn’t take me seriously. I’m either gonna have to struggle in silence or I express my feelings and see this bloke. Last few weeks have been better because she’s not mentioned him for ages ugh! 

Ahh yes I am talking about my mum. I did have another paragraph explaining the rituals with what she does to calm me down but I removed it to condense my post but forgot that now the word “she” could be anyone. I’ll go and edit that if possible. 

I never thought about writing all my thoughts and stuff down before bed, I might give that a try tonight. Come to think I may have done that in the past but I can’t remember that well so I will give it a go later on. 

Ah I haven’t tried the empty chair exercise yet but I think you have mentioned this in the past. I can have a go at that as well, though I can imagine that to be harder for me. But I have to go through pain to get better I suppose. Would this work alone or would I need someone else to help me with this? Sorry if that’s a stupid question.