Why Did Number Leave This Place?

Good to see you back in the forum, Number. Hope you stick around.

Hi Number, the thing that surprises me most about all of this is the moderator’s statement that they locked the thread despite it breaking no rules because someone found it triggering.

Folks, if the mods locked everything I find triggering then half the threads on this site would be locked. I decided it was better to accept this forum isn’t for people like me and walk away than to ruin it for everyone else.

I appreciate your position. It is fine to question whether a thread should be locked and you're entitled to your opinion, of course. It also seemed strange to me to shut down a discussion. I was wondering whether to say something and what was to be gained.

But why not just start a thread saying "Should threads that break no rules be locked".

Perhaps that would turn into a discussion about how to manage tricky content. 

There is no need to threaten to quit. It does not create a welcoming environment. People see emotional conflict.

Your message and voice can be equally effective, indeed likely more, without the drama. As a communication style, and this is not a criticism,  it's just for info, I have done the same, it doesn't work well. A principled stand be made in better ways.

Holy mosses!  "It" finds a way in, and infects anything and everything it can.

I wonder if this response to it, is a) allowed and b) will prompt a response?

I agree with all you say...and don't find it radical in anyway....and I wholly agree that this sort of thread IS DEFO more problematic than any other type of thread.  I mean - where the hell does one "hope" to go with this?!

Hyper empathy is a problem I share with you Stuart333.....and it is PRECISELY because of this, that I have VERY reluctantly raised this thread here.

My thinking (and motivation for entering this VERY uncomfortable territory for me, and people you like and me)...is this;

I can readily imagine needing to DESPERATELY talk about pornography with my peers and kin-folk, if that were to be the "thing" that was causing me distress.....or frankly, if it was just a subject I was interested in exploring with them.  If that was the case, then I would ensure (like they did) that the topic was clearly displayed, so everyone knew NOT to visit if it was likely to upset them.....and then I would hope to be able just to chat away, with anyone who felt they wanted to contribute or join in.

However, if - all of a sudden - I found my queries or interests deemed "unworthy for safe and further discussion" then I would feel undermined, potentially feel misplaced shame and potentially be tempted to leave.

If someone adheres by the rules here, acts responsibly, and raises a legitimate and safe discussion then that should SURELY be allowed to play-out?

Whilst you (I presume) have hyper empathy for the herd + the offended party (who kindly raised their hand cogently below)....I have hyper empathy for the people who chose to start and join the discussion that has [by their OWN rules, standards and admission] been summarily terminated by NAS......and I think that is both unfair, and damaging.

One thing that cause ME autistic distress is UNFAIRNESS.  I see that it has been creeping in to this place in a pervasive and damaging way.  I KNOW that people are leaving because of that Zeitgeist ...... and I am only trying to bring some reasoned debate and observation to the table.

I am sorry if this is not clear, or you cannot understand my reasoning as above.

Rest assured, I have no umbridge towards you in any event.....but I trust you can at least understand the logic of the position I hold.

I'll be radical and say I find this sort of thread more problematic than threads about any topic. A discussion of rules or principles is fine. I like rules. I''m not keen on conflict, but attacks on the person and not the idea should be against the rules and subject the moderation anyway.

But dis-harmony and people threatening to leave creates a poor tone. Perhaps I am overly sensitive to it, or I misread the situation.

It is a trait to pick up on emotions. Perhaps it is emotional contagion, hyper empathy, or problems with emotional regulation, but it causes more unease and a desire to leave too.

Problems with social interaction and communication after all are two of the key requirements in the autism definition.

It's no bother - and thank you for that.  I genuinely want this to be a place where people can say what they need to, act how they need to, be how they feel they need to.....to be comfortable.......but NEVER impose themselves on others.

That spirit of acceptance, calm and tolerance has been lost from this space....and I think that, for the good of you and me and for all the other autists out there that need a safe space "just to be" (or find their feet in their current confusions) - we now need to "push back gently" and respectfully against what I see happening now in this space.

To be honest, I truly think most people come here for varied and safe company and COMMUNITY.  Advice, support and well being flows from that COMMUNITY........rather than a community flowing from diktat and advice.

I might be wrong - but I have good experiential evidence to support that hypothesis.......whereas what I mainly see here at the moment, is NOT HEALTHY.

We are the best support and comfort for each other......irrespective of our differences.....I have honestly come to understand that we FUNDAMENTALLY have the same wiring, and can therefore readily regulate ourselves, if we have CLEAR AND UNIFORMLY APPLIED RULES with gentle, intuitive, calm and measured moderation to "push back gently"....like they did so VERY skilfully and successfully when I first appeared in this place.

I can understand that and thank you for making me feel better. I haven’t been here all that long (like just over a month) so I’m still getting to know the site better. 

Hi there Number, thank you for your reply. I completely understand what you are saying and I agree about the rules. It is very understandable so thank you for being kind and understanding my point of view. 

I would have thought it much more effective for the mods to add trigger warning labels to any threads that people complain about but are within the rules and allow people to exercise their free will not to read them.

in this case with clear labelling there the people need to exercise some responsibility for themselves.

Absolutely......I agree = this is why we have rules = why I become so incensed / enraged / start throwing around words like "shameful".....because if the rules are applied, but are subject to "Der Management" unilateral interpretation and application......then NONE OF US...have the slightest hope in hell of feeling comfortable to be "meaningful" in this place - ie we will fall into platitudes and "established wisdom" - which is readily available in many "community places" available on the interweb?  We are autistic.....we should fairly, and reasonably, expect "latitude - within structure" = and that is what existed when I first came to this place.....and saw MANY lost and lonely souls find safety and comfort.  Now I only see them drifting away, slipping through the cracks.....and I fear for those souls......because I was one of them!

All sorts of weird and wonderful people here - at my time of need - came to my rescue - and quite literally saved me......through their variety, oddness, unreasonableness, cuteness, etc etc.

WE ARE AUTISTIC......we are not like the norm?!

Venting trauma is EXACTLY what this place should be for!  PLEASE....vent away......without fear or favour!  That is PRECISELY what I am advocating for (albeit within whatever rules exist at that time - whether we like them or not.)  I have ZERO problem with you stating whatever case you feel you need to make......or to be MORE precise......I desperately want ANYONE AND EVERYONE to be able to that, within the rules that exist here (whether those rules be right or wrong.)

As I am sure you can imagine and appreciate, some people here have (I would imagine) an equal and opposite GENUINE trauma associated with lack of intimacy, sexual loneliness, shame and congested thoughts that are WHOLLY dichotomous to yours, but also equally valid?

I want to see balance, respect, tolerance, variety and health in this place.  It definitely existed here once.  I want it back.....and rest assured, that desire is not for me (I'm alright Jack....in the round.....I'm old.....and relatively setlled....but want people who were once like me ie ON THE EDGE OF INSANITY to find this as a genuine haven, safe & tolerant place....for AUTISTIC PEOPLE AGAIN!?

Dear sister/brother/or another.......PLEASE don't misinterpret my motives here!

Again - I genuinely thank you for peeping up too! = That is what communities do!

I have zero difficulty in understanding, appreciating, and accepting what you say above = to me, it is perfectly reasonable, reasoned and fair.

As you can imagine Elfillis......with these genuine dichotomies present in my head.....at ALL TIMES....because I am an autist....through-and-through.......I personally need RULES.  I will always do my best to abide by rules set....but equally do my best to influence that "rule setting" wherever I can.

Personally - I don't know if you are right, or if I am right......and frankly, I genuinely don't mind which is decided up!  HOWEVER.....when that rule is set.....it should either be adhered to by all....or all hell will break loose?!

I raised this thread here, because my perceptions tell me that here, on NAS at this moment in time, all hell is breaking loose........and people who want help, need help, and seek help here......and now dropping through the net.......BADLY!!

I think a sensible, calm and logical discussion needs to be held NOW!

Again - I thank you for making your case......with honestly, without apology....and with reasoned human intellect.  Respect to you - and with thanks. 

Ahh I see. I completely agree with you there. We are all different I suppose.

The difficult with sensitive topics is everyone is going to be sensitive to something because that's how life is, especially with autism. You would then have to ban any discussion surrounding mental health etc and then suddenly people's safe place to go for support is nothing more than idle chat.

Bullying would be another example. That comes up time and time again because of social interaction issues discussions. That may be a very triggering comment to some.

Sensitive topics are subjective. What one person is sensitive to is very different to another.

I think we all need to think carefully about what we are naming threads and then think even more carefully about whether it is the right thread for us to enter.

Hmm well if you say so but I can’t help but feel responsible here. Personally I think sensitive topics like porn should be against the rules or as you say at least have a trigger warning. I wasn’t here at the time when there seemed to be a discussion on the assisted dying in the uk becoming legal but again that can be a sensitive topic. 

I really don't think Number's post was supposed to be a blame game. I certainly don't think they want anyone to leave the forum. Asking for a comment you made to be removed is very different to asking mods to shut it down. And people are entitled to their feelings about that thread. Numbers point is that if we start locking threads because it makes someone uncomfortable, we block someone else's outlet. I think the post is more towards the mods than any individuals on here.

Well yes and one of the big issues with autism is that we often don't understand things that other people seem to "just understand" and we do not know what is "normal" and what isn't. And sometimes people might need to ask about some out there things either for reassurance or advice and it would not be good if they felt they couldn't do that.

I do think there's a limit. If the whole forum started swaying towards very adult content in that way then it would put people off coming here in a different way. But I don't think one post hits anywhere near that limit.

Look if you want you can blame me. I asked a mod to remove a comment I made as I was getting negative responses which I wasn’t expecting, I was hoping for more support. Look I’ll leave this site if I’m just the spoil spore Karen or whatever the term is these days. As you said I should have just sodding ignored the thing. I was only wanting to voice my trauma 

Yes, I absolutely agree with all your words and caveats here.  It is simple and reasonable.

Please be reassured that I am MOST DEFINITELY not a hell-raiser and trouble-maker type!

My personal penchant is for growing Borage....rather than pornography.....so I will always be drawn to these "softer" matters (pun intended)....but that MOST DEFINITELY doesn't mean that I don't wish to share this "allegedly safe space" with people who want to talk about pornography!

Whilst I don't share their particular penchant - and perhaps they won't share mine - I READILY expect us to find common ground, help and support from each other on all manner of other subjects.....because we are simply DIFFERENT.....because we are simply AUTISTIC!  

I'm increasingly becoming (genuinely sick) watching people in need - arrive here - and then leave......because they aren't allow the "air" just to "be" in this place, with us type of socially homeless people!

Thank you for peeping up, Expecto_Patronum.