Newly diagnosed AuDHD

I was diagnosed in May this year so maybe six months or so ahead of Katie. What I can say is like most things, it gets better with time. My situation was very similar. I'd always known I was 'different' but never really knew anything about neurodiversity until I got bounced into a diagnosis after a mental health meltdown. I'm very lucky because I work in an industry with support and access to healthcare professionals, although I did have to go private and pay for my own diagnosis. It's probably the best thing I've ever done and it's answered so many questions for me. I haven't made it widely known as yet and I'm not sure what completely 'unmasking' might mean for me but I'm now coming round to the realisation that I should embrace it fully. One thing that has helped me is to focus on the positive aspects of autism - there are plenty - while trying to suppress the negatives (anxiety and RSD are an absolute b*stard, to be honest). For many months after my diagnosis I was a bit numb - wondering round in a daze and it's only this week that I've summoned up the courage to read it again. The good thing is that knowledge of ASD and ADHD is growing within society and there is help and support out there.

I know this feeling. I would love to get back what I had before twenty years of workplace hell. I was quirky, weird, unmasked enough not to be totally drained, and I had a group of friends who, looking back, were also very ND. None of us knew it though. It was a happy time full of laughter and enjoyment. Work destroyed me and it's hard to get back to what I had before. I have my husband, but I would love an accepting social group, even an accepting workplace. It's a myth that autistic people don't want to socialise, we do, just with the right people. I want to work, I want to have a life, but it always seems so difficult. Sorry you're going through this too.

Definitely helps to hear there are people in the same boat. I don't know any AuDHDers where I live and can't find any groups near me....not that I would have the courage to go. Sometimes I think Im not made to be around anyone...my husband is my only friend.

We are in exactly the same place, it is so hard to be real when we don't even know what real is. I have also hidden away but feel so lonely. What I would love is to be around people who just accept me, where I can just relax and be authentic without having to think about it. I'm sure there are people like that out there but I don't know where to find them. I think I'm very tainted by my previous experience at work that I don't trust easily. Christmas is also a real dread right now. Keep talking on here, from what I've seen, it's a supportive environment.

Thank you. I have been doing a lot of research and listening to audio books etc. identity crisis is absolutely right....at first I was flippant about having it, putting on almost a ditsy persona but quickly realised that was just another mask.

Some days I cry and think I don't want to live like this, some days I just quietly do my own thing.

I have hidden myself away though. I don't go to the shop, town, out of the house really as I'm in such a fragile state.

Rumination and RSD are the worst for me.

I can't tell you how much I'm dreading Christmas but I have to face people at some point....Rather not though! 

I know if I don't unmask I will be so much worse off but it's such an odd thing to completely change your personality to people. God help me....

Similar story here, similar age. I was diagnosed with Aspergers around ten years ago but back then there wasn't as many communities out there, nothing on YouTube etc, I was ashamed of it so I carried on masking, kind of unconscious as it was so normal to me I didn't realise I was doing it. Couldn't understand why I was experiencing workplace bullying (masking didn't always work, I made a lot of mistakes), panic attacks, anxiety, insomnia, exhaustion - what I now know was burnout but I ignored it for so long it led to a mental breakdown. I left my job, now recovering, trying to unmask and be more authentic, but it's difficult, like some sort of identity crisis. That's why I came on here, to meet likeminded people. Just thought I'd reply, like others have, to say you're not alone, a lot of people are going through this. Especially those who grew up in the 90s or earlier and had no support at school, undiagnosed and unrecognised. I'd advise you to do all the things I didn't do: educate yourself about your diagnosis and accept it. No more masking because it destroys us on the inside, try to embrace your identity and know your social limits.

The atomoxetine is definitely letting me see the ASD more clearly we clearly. I'm much more withdrawn now. I haven't left the house much at all. I can notice sound effects me more. 

I'm dreading Christmas with all this going on, I won't be the same person as before and I'm worried what people will think, id hate to feel as if I'm putting it on when I know I'm not.

My sister hasn't been sympathetic, hasn't asked me about it at all and clearly doesn't understand it. 

It's a very lonely place to be.

Hi Katie, wow, your story is almost a carbon copy to my own. I was diagnosed last week and getting more burnt out day on day. It feels like I’ve been handed a set of keys only to guess what door it opens. 

I’m certain it will eventually get easier, the anxiety is the crippler for me at the moment. It’s stopping me working well or being adventurous. I am trying to address that first before I make any big revelations or try to work out what I am or want to do with the rest of my life!

Do let me know how you’re getting on. 

Hello Katie_m_web86, 

Thank you for sharing your story and welcome to the Community! I hope feel well supported here following your diagnoses and are able to connect with like-minded people. You may like to have a look at our 'post diagnosis' information for further support:

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/diagnosis/after-diagnosis

All the best,

ChloeMod

Thanks for responding. It's very hard being undiagnosed for so long. I feel failed by my GP's as I've been going to them about anxiety since I was 16 and they never once mentioned anything to do with neurodiversity. It took a stranger to hear the things I was saying and point out the issue! I paid for private diagnosis as I wasn't willing to wait any longer. 

ASD and ADHD - now I've started atomoxetine and my anxiety feels so much calmer. 

I too love nature and I'm a keen gardener. I previously paid for an RHS course but of course couldn't get through it! 

I've done gardening for others but really it takes the joy away for me being paid for it. I like to do it for myself. It's like your own world of solitude and beauty that you can create for yourself. No wonder I love it as I hate the real world! X

Katie!! And Community

im so glad to have read your story. Thank you for sharing, my experience is a carbon copy and it’s so helpful to be understood.

I am 40 and due to a lifetime of looking after those with higher needs. (Both parents severely mentally ill) My mental health has been overlooked professionally and by myself.

its not in my head, I’m not just anxious and now my parents are both past the devastation that brings and the aftermath of no routine I can no longer mask the difficulty that’s been with me my entire existence.

im sorry I can’t offer you guidance Katie. Only emended empathy.

How are you being supported and how did you get your diagnosis?

I’m starting a horticultural design course soon.. Hopefully a more in keeping way of life that no longer requires me to mask as much. 

still be you. With alterations of and boundaries of where your energy goes. Nature has been my way of being me healing from burn out.

I hope you find peace Katie

Thanks for sharing. I suppose people are trying to be nice but I swear If I hear it again, I'm going to have to say something. A big problem for me is that I never speak up and the emotion festers inside of me like poison which I can't take on anymore of right now in burnout. You did so well to get through uni....I never made it to my GCSEs. 

OMG... "Yeah, everyone's a bit autistic aren't they?"

I shouldn't laugh as I suppose I've been guilty of such clumsy generalisations before. But, really.... people.

All the way through school we had spelling tests, and at the end teacher read out everyone's score.  Every single week for years, I was at the bottom, the last name read out.  I was clearly a fucking village idiot, a moron, stupid, worthless.  This shame and sense of nothingness followed me throughout life.  

Many years later I managed to get to Uni, speaking to a tutor I said "I don't expect to get more than a 3rd" he said, Oh! why?... I explained no matter what I do I always seem to misunderstand questions, spell things wrong etc.  He said "have you ever been tested for Dyslexia?"

There followed a lengthy and expensive process of tests and interviews, which culminated in about 1999 of a formal, medical, professional document which stated THIS YOUNG MAN IS INTELLEGENT AND ARTICULATE, AND HE HAS DYSLEXIA WHICH IS WHY HE CANT DO TESTS.

I was elated and felt vindicated, that there was something which made me different to other people, a reason for this inexplicable failure academically rather than just being stupid.  At last.

Probably a  week went by before the first person said to me "yeah... I think I'm a bit dyslexic"

So it turns out according to this high flier, 1st degree at Uni, Ace all my exams individual, it turns out I'm not that different anyway and in fact just stupid .

Gah!

I think people mean it as empathy without realising what they're doing is devaluing the whole process of identification.

 A Thanks for responding. I know what you mean about people being uninterested or dismissive. I told my boss and they responded 'everyone's a little bit on the spectrum' - this made me internally so mad as it completely invalidates my pain and suffering. 

Some family members know but don't really get it, everything is pretty much as normal on their end but I'm sat in crisis. My anxiety around people is so high that I've stopped going to shops, the school run, hairdressers etc.

If I continue to mask I will never get out of burnout, I don't want any eye contact right now but at the same time I will feel as if I'm putting it on by changing my behaviours. 

Hopefully coaching will help me.

Hi Katie, I was diagnosed about a year and a half ago, at the age of 52, and even after all that time I am still working through it.

You’ll need time to come to terms with your past, decide how you want to proceed and figure out who to even tell. I found that most people were extremely uninterested, which was quite deflating as it’s such a major thing for me.

But it’s only in the last month or two that I’ve slowly started to mask less at work and, as I am also on the verge of burnout again, have only now decided that it’s time to “come out”, stop the pretending and finally be myself. That won’t happen overnight though.

So i guess what I’m saying is that you will need a lot of time to process it all and decide what to do. But there are lots of people here who have been through this and we’d be happy to talk through with you.