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Newly diagnosed AuDHD

Katie_m_web86

Hi, I'm a 38yr old female. Just formally diagnosed with autism and ADHD. I'm currently in burnout from being undiagnosed for so long, I reached my limit mentally.

I now realise that unconscious masking, unbearable rumination and rejection sensitivity disphoria have been destroying me. I was always told I had an anxiety disorder but I knew there was more to it.

I feel so fragile that I don't know where to start. I'll be doing coaching with my assessment team but in the meantime how am I supposed to be around people?...not that I have friends....just family/work people.

I don't know how it can work, people have known me a certain way for so long, how can I all of a sudden present as totally different? I feel I've trapped myself in someone I'm not and I'm stuck there.

Any advice would be appreciated as I don't know a single other neurodivergent person.

Parents

  •   Thanks for responding. I know what you mean about people being uninterested or dismissive. I told my boss and they responded 'everyone's a little bit on the spectrum' - this made me internally so mad as it completely invalidates my pain and suffering. 

    Some family members know but don't really get it, everything is pretty much as normal on their end but I'm sat in crisis. My anxiety around people is so high that I've stopped going to shops, the school run, hairdressers etc.

    If I continue to mask I will never get out of burnout, I don't want any eye contact right now but at the same time I will feel as if I'm putting it on by changing my behaviours. 

    Hopefully coaching will help me.

  • in reply to Katie_m_web86

    RoflRoflRoflRofl

    OMG... "Yeah, everyone's a bit autistic aren't they?"

    I shouldn't laugh as I suppose I've been guilty of such clumsy generalisations before. But, really.... people.

    All the way through school we had spelling tests, and at the end teacher read out everyone's score.  Every single week for years, I was at the bottom, the last name read out.  I was clearly a fucking village idiot, a moron, stupid, worthless.  This shame and sense of nothingness followed me throughout life.  

    Many years later I managed to get to Uni, speaking to a tutor I said "I don't expect to get more than a 3rd" he said, Oh! why?... I explained no matter what I do I always seem to misunderstand questions, spell things wrong etc.  He said "have you ever been tested for Dyslexia?"

    There followed a lengthy and expensive process of tests and interviews, which culminated in about 1999 of a formal, medical, professional document which stated THIS YOUNG MAN IS INTELLEGENT AND ARTICULATE, AND HE HAS DYSLEXIA WHICH IS WHY HE CANT DO TESTS.

    I was elated and felt vindicated, that there was something which made me different to other people, a reason for this inexplicable failure academically rather than just being stupid.  At last.

    Probably a  week went by before the first person said to me "yeah... I think I'm a bit dyslexic"

    So it turns out according to this high flier, 1st degree at Uni, Ace all my exams individual, it turns out I'm not that different anyway and in fact just stupid .

    Gah!

    I think people mean it as empathy without realising what they're doing is devaluing the whole process of identification.

  • in reply to IntruderAlarmAbatis

    Thanks for sharing. I suppose people are trying to be nice but I swear If I hear it again, I'm going to have to say something. A big problem for me is that I never speak up and the emotion festers inside of me like poison which I can't take on anymore of right now in burnout. You did so well to get through uni....I never made it to my GCSEs. 

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