how people on the spectrum cope with being parents???

Hi Lipgloss

I've spoken to our helpline about your situation and they have a few recommendations.

That's good news.  Keep us updated.  Here is an article about the Intense World Theory, my feeling is you will recognise so much of this... http://www.wrongplanet.net/article419.html

yes, no one seems to take me seriously , they  just keep offering  help with parenting, parenting courses, "home start"  or SS intervention, temporary fostering, general phycological councelling , medication etc ...   I didn't know so much about Asperger's , but after reading what you sent me yesterday I had a feeling I was reading a book about myself ... so my husband has SPECIFICALLY requested a referral for diagnosis this morning,  private or otherwise.

Lipgloss said:

wow, thanks! I wish I could send the link to this article to that psycologist I saw... now I see she wasn't competent in autism at all ...the more I read the more I recognize myself in it ...it's so weird to at last have an explanation to all my "unusual" behaviour... she didn't really know where to put me , and said because I'm quite intellegent and am able to say what my kids do/don't like doing and  that  my mother was somewhat "strange" and never had anything to do with me     she hesitates to diagnose me ...said people with autism are completely oblivious to others around them... that's why she suggested a personality disorder instead... and passed me on to another team of phycologists...

That's a pile of rubbish what she told you, it's certainly not the case that people with autism are oblivious to people around them, often quite the opposite in fact.  Read up on Intense World Theory of autism.  Psychologists like that annoy me, they haven't got a clue.  Don't be another female Aspie statistic that is misdiagnosed.  Get yourself officially diagnosed and it will also help any of your children that have it too.

wow, thanks! I wish I could send the link to this article to that psycologist I saw... now I see she wasn't competent in autism at all ...the more I read the more I recognize myself in it ...it's so weird to at last have an explanation to all my "unusual" behaviour... she didn't really know where to put me , and said because I'm quite intellegent and am able to say what my kids do/don't like doing and  that  my mother was somewhat "strange" and never had anything to do with me     she hesitates to diagnose me ...said people with autism are completely oblivious to others around them... that's why she suggested a personality disorder instead... and passed me on to another team of phycologists...

Lipgloss said:

thanks all ! well, he does have strong believs and views on marriage, but he is not a violent man and is in no way threatening to me ( I would never have tolarated that in my home) ...yes, he is not able to understand what it feels like being in my allien skin and can be quite nasty  and upsetting with the choice of words ...he did suggest we should do councelling together , but I can't see any point in that because I wanted to leave him ever since we got married , except kids  we have no common ground for councelling to be of any use...  funnily enough, the psycologist I saw recently thinks I also might have personality disorder ( there's a case of schizophrenia in my family) and said exact same words my husband used -" when you're confused, you can't make decisions on your own, and need help with that"... so, I think I will go through the councelling I started  and wait till September( then both my kids will be at school/nursery)  and see if this will make any difference to how I feel ...

she started talking at 3, started trying to run a bit and jump a couple of months ago , is  a bit more flexible with food now  and is happier with being among other kids, although is still unable to play with them, just does her own thing...

You might be surprised, if you find a therapist who is knowledgeable about autism, they might be able to help your husband see your side of things a lot more.  Often, when someone is in a situation they can't see it for themselves without outside help, and will just see their partner as defensive and not see the realities of autism.  I think apart from anything he needs to read some literature about Asperger's.  Give him this for some bed-time reading for a start: http://www.peaknt.com/files/The%20Complete%20Guide%20to%20Aspergers%20Syndrome_Attwood.pdf

He is probably seeing you telling him what you find difficult as you just defending your position and perhaps not even believing how bad it is for you.  A professional telling him that your brain is wired differently and explaining that you can't help how you feel, that no amount of therapy will change your brain's wiring might make a difference.  It will back up what you are trying to put across to him and validate it.

Unless the psychologist is expert in autism ignore what she said about schizophrenia.  Schizophrenia is genetically related to autism (http://www.newscientist.com/article/dn23995-genetic-discovery-links-autism-and-schizophrenia.html#.UzQabZVF3IU) and if you have a close relative with it you are 300% more likely (research on request) to have an autism spectrum condition.  I have Asperger's and my eldest sister has schizophrenia.  There are some traits in common between the two conditions, low empathy for one.  So a psychologist not understanding autism fully could come to a very incorrect conclusion.  I  don't believe it's very common to have both conditions, although it's not impossible.  Don't weigh yourself down with labels, concentrate on working on what is possible to save of your marriage.  If that doesn't work, you can at least extricate yourself knowing you tried your best.  If your husband cannot understand and accommodate for your condition there is little hope.

I would also get a referral for assessment for ASC for your 3 year old, there are some potential signs and she has a genetic risk from you having it.  Both my daughters are on the autistic spectrum which they got from me.  You owe it to her to ensure she gets the right supports as early as possible.  Girls struggle to get diagnosed more than boys and the older they get, the harder it gets because they learn to mimic other children to fit in - it doesn't lessen their anguish at feeling different though and mental health problems can abound if the condition is unrecognised.

thanks all ! well, he does have strong believs and views on marriage, but he is not a violent man and is in no way threatening to me ( I would never have tolarated that in my home) ...yes, he is not able to understand what it feels like being in my allien skin and can be quite nasty  and upsetting with the choice of words ...he did suggest we should do councelling together , but I can't see any point in that because I wanted to leave him ever since we got married , except kids  we have no common ground for councelling to be of any use...  funnily enough, the psycologist I saw recently thinks I also might have personality disorder ( there's a case of schizophrenia in my family) and said exact same words my husband used -" when you're confused, you can't make decisions on your own, and need help with that"... so, I think I will go through the councelling I started  and wait till September( then both my kids will be at school/nursery)  and see if this will make any difference to how I feel ...

I think my eldest has some ASD traits, since she was 6-7 months old I wasn't able to walk into a room-full of people with her  ( like toddlers groups, it was a big effort for me too, but I was willing to make that effort)  - she was hysterical and wanted to leave, so I spent with her outside most of the time, just going for walks, she was never keen on playing; for 1.5 years every day she would insist on eating same porrige , gets upset if things change their positions, has very poor physical development ...but since she went to this small private nursery, it improoved a bit - she started talking at 3, started trying to run a bit and jump a couple of months ago , is  a bit more flexible with food now  and is happier with being among other kids, although is still unable to play with them, just does her own thing...

It seems as though your husband's religion is making him battle away at trying to make it work, as he likely doesn't see divorce as a very Christian thing to do.  He may also have stereotypical views about the man being the head of the family and in charge in all aspects and the wife just having to "obey" him.

Religion won't change the fact that you have Asperger's and no will any amount of counselling.  I wonder, whether your situation is exacerbated to the point of intolerability by the attitude your husband takes?  If you feel he is pressuring and forcing you, then you will be like a trapped rabbit and will likely catastrophise everything.  Perhaps your husband is the one who needs therapy to see the error of his ways.  It can't be only one party in a marriage trying to change to suit the other one, both parties need to try and to make allowances.  Being that you have a recognised disability and he doesn't, that means he needs to be the one making more allowances than you.

Out of interest, do any of your children show signs of being on the autistic spectrum?

Hi again.  I've thought about your position, which I think will ultimately become untenable - something's got to give, right?  From what you say, your husband is a person with strong beliefs which don't appear to be open to modification.  He appears to control your life, day in, day out and it's making you ill.  It's so difficult knowing what to suggest ; your autism makes what to do next even more difficult than it would be for a non-autistic person.  I'm sure no poster on here would want to give you advice that made your situation worse.  If you weren't autistic, I'd suggest you contacted an organisation such as Women's Aid for help.  I'm not very knowledgeable about them, have no idea how autism-aware they are, but they are there to help women who are suffering.  Whether this is a good idea or not, for you, I don't know.  I do know that you seem to have had your free will curtailed drastically.  Your personality and needs denied.  Maybe the Mods on this site can investigate other avenues for you ?

... I don't know... everybody says he's a lovely caring man, who still, by some miracle, has feelings for me... I honestly am not able to say anything...to me, ever since we started living together and he refused to pay any attention to my difficulties or just to listen to what I tried to say, he turned into a man I was never able to really trust or be myself with ... as long as I had a quiet home, my personal space and freedom to do my own things I was quite well...was avoiding certain situations, of course, like would never use a power-shower  because it's too noisy  , or couldn't take a bus and was walking everywhere etc) ...  as now, even things I used to manage before are too difficult because there's no where for me to hide at home - noise and chaos everywhere, can't sleep , can't concentrate on work  because of constant anxiety ... and we're surrounded by Christian circle of friends, they all say -if you pray hard enough God will change you etc... so, no , no one I can turn to...don't have SS involed yet, but there's a lady from Children's center ...she is very supportive, been coming for a long time , helped with funding for full-time nursery .

Hi - what a complicated unhappy situation.  You are anxious and depressed because of your situation so, imo, you're right to refuse meds.  It's your situation that needs to change.  If everything changed and was so much better and you still felt anxious and depressed then meds might be an option at that point.  Is there anyone you can go to for help and support?

This comment may not sit well with some people, but have you considered that he may have psychological issues of his own, and is in denial?  His inability to recognise your needs and only seeing things from his perspective is a red flag to me.

yes, all my doctors keep offering medication, but I am not depressed ...at least don't think I am ..and they don't insist, say it's up to me ...but I don't like the sound of the side-effects

I don't know... at the beginning , when I first mentioned me moving out  ( almost 2 years ago) he was quite nasty   ( he is one of those people who think that conditions like dyslexia  or depression were made up by lazy people to cover up for  their unwillingness to make an effort to do things)...  he wanted to hide my documents or  never let me go out for a day off  etc ( anything to prevent me from not coming back)... then he got used to this idea more, but still... he controlls our finances   and says that I'm confused and don't know what I want/need and should allow others to make a sound judgement ... that family is the most important thing and I should forget about myself in order to preserve it... things like that

The more I read your posts the more I wonder if you are suffering from depression.  Have you seen a gp to discuss this.  Your husband also sounds  controlling.  My ex was extremely controlling, but at the time I had no idea, over the years I become more and more  isolated, he would tell me to go out to gym, ext but when I returned he would ask me endless questions about who  I spoke to, did I fancy them.  In the end I stopped going to gym because I thought he was jealous, but it was just his need to control me.

My only caveat with leaving is that you prepare yourself with  the  knowledge that if you leave, he may see you as someone he has no use for anymore, and he may turn vindictive.  This is not uncommon with people who lose their narcissistic supply.  Hopefully he won't.

Hi again - the phrase "he will consider letting me settle by myself".  Why is it up to him to decide how you live your life? " Consider", as you know, means exactly that.  All he's saying is he'll think about whether or not to let you go.  Why has he all the power?

Hope said:

Have you considered applying for respite from the Council?

Where children are involved SS are a double-edged sword.  There is so little autism awareness and the consequences this can have for a family if they are misunderstood could be devastating.  They tend to look to blame all the time, and because they (purportedly) put the children first, they have no interests in supporting the parents.  Things can go awry very quickly with SS, and it could be a worse scenario for her than she is currently in.  I think that she needs to agree a mutually workable solution with her husband, whatever that is, just ensure the children don't suffer.

...I know... that's what I keep telling my husband, and even if I was able to cope with everyday challenges and anxieties around children  I don't want to have anything to do with him ( or any other man)  anymore... so why waste everyone's time?  I just started another therapy, he agreed if I go to 2-3 sessions and still feel no different he will consider letting me settle by myself .  It  is quite scary too though , having to organize my life from scratch again, in a different place ...

Hi again - it sounds like everyone in the family is unhappy.  The situation can't be good for any of you.  Whilst you and your husband have choices, your children do not.  If the family environment cannot improve then you need to take some decisions for the future......for all your futures.....so things can work out better.

Hi lipgloss

In your posts you have said that you have considered leaving, but you have also said that you struggle to take a day off because you have to prepare meals, etc and it is too much for you too manage. Question is if you left your husband he  would have no choice but to step up and manage the kids on his own, which would mean preparing meals, ect. You know he could otherwise you would never have considered leaving, so there is probably something else that prevents you from taking time out, worth exploring I think.

Hope this helps.