please, anyone, share your experiences! I found the whole marriage thing exhausting enough, but since I had 2 kids - life became IMPOSSIBLE... I never even wanted kids...and still don't...
please, anyone, share your experiences! I found the whole marriage thing exhausting enough, but since I had 2 kids - life became IMPOSSIBLE... I never even wanted kids...and still don't...
...I do like getting out to some park with my camera whenever I can...doesn't happen very often though ...and I still have to come back "home" at the end of the day which is not easy ...plus the whole process of orginizing a day off ( i.e sorting out everybody's meals ) is quite a hastle I end up avoiding ... my way to cope with the challanges of life is to simplify everything, lots of planning, lists, routins and just doing things on my own( I can't coordinate my actions with others, can't communicate what I'm planning to do for some reason) and family is a hugely complex structure , that involves too many people, too many things to think through, to much chaos and unpredictability that throws me right out of track , in the end I'm not able to get anything done , can't concentrate on anything... so a day off does help temporarily , but doesn't make that much of a difference.
I don't know how they cope... they are still quite young , my eldest has lots of ASD traits and is more challenging then the youngest ...we had to orginize full time nursery for her when she was 2,5 , and because it's a small private nursery with very caring/loving stuff she started liking it in there and is generally much better with people now then before; doesn't play with others though, but at least she's ok being among others ...and at home she goes to daddy for cuddles when she feels like being comforted ... but yes, she often comes up to me with questions like "mom, do you like/love me?" I reply by saying " well, do YOU like ME?" she says "yes, you have a nice top" ... from my own experience I know how damaging bad parenting can be, but also how adaptive kids are...when we don't know any different we just think it should be that way...
Hi
Just wondered how your children are coping with all this. Children are very good at blaming themselves when parents are not responsive to their needs. This can either make the children push harder for reassurance, or they become more insular, withdrawing into themselves.
Do your children have special needs? This in itself can make parenting more challenging.
Maybe if you had a scheduled day when you could do your own thing might help, this would also give you something to look forward to, to recharge your batteries.
yes, and that's what makes me feel even worse! the decision to have a family should be made by both partners , and he was fully aware of how I felt about it ...in any way I could I was saying "I WON'T BE ABLE TO BE A MOTHER, please, lets just stay the way we are!" he just never paid any attention to anything I was trying to tell about myself ( so inevitably, I started saying less and less and he had no idea what world I lived in)...he used to make jokes when someone for the thousadnth time asked when we're going to start family "oh, she's scared of kids, prefers to be with inanimate objects because they don't make noise"... I don't know why, but kids are my particular phobia , I was avoiding them since I was one of them ...and any contact with kids immidiately sends me back to the terrible time I had as a child ... and because I was so inexperienced and naive I couldn't take care of contraception and trusted him to do that...but of course, since not having kids was non-negotiable to him, he wasn't too serious ...
Just out of interest, you said you never wanted children, why did you go ahead under pressure from your husband? I know it's a bit late to ask this now, but I am interested. Your husband is surely aware that he was the one that wanted children, perhaps feels guilty, which is probably why he keeps sending you off to therapy and trying to fix things.
to crystal12 - funny you should ask that! yes, I had different combinations going through my head - anything to decrease the number of people in my space ...and yes, sometimes I think it'll be better if my husband left ( a) less physical contact ( although we haven't really had much contact for 11 years, and none at all for the last 2, but still...) b) when he starts disciplining kids all the noise it creates makes me feel much worse) ...but because I never wanted children and constantly feel like I'm in someone else's play , I'm considering leaving ... my husband is not a fan of this idea, keeps sending me from one therapy to another to "fix" me into a dutiful wife and mother...
I don't know if love is only about maternal instinct though. I am protective of them, but they do also drive me mad frequently and the demands get draining. If I didn't love them so much I would maybe feel a bit like you.
to IntenseWorld - that's a great thing that you love your children! ...and a big problem for me ...I never had a trace of maternal instinct, and still don't...yes, they can be funny and cute as babies, but when they grow up a little and need so much more pacience and discipling etc...I just can't handle that! I step over a screaming child , hide in my room and wait for my husband to come sort them out...
I met my husband at my friends' house very briefly , he left his address and we started writing , which carried on for 6 months; and because I find it easier to connect to someone through writing , we both agreed it was a good idea to get married, so the day we signed the register was second time we met... and after that 11 years of mysery started...
of course I'm not the only one...I never said that I was ...I just been searching high and low about anyone who has similar experiences to mine...but can't find ....everybody on the spectrum finds it hard, but not impossible ...I had 2 suicide attempts since I had both kids, I just need my space one way or the other ... and my problem is that I only got married because couldn't live independently and wanten to separate ever since we started living together ; having kids was never in my plans too, but my husband insisted on having a family ...so good for you! if you can , stay the way you are ...marriage is over-rated...
We met in the traditional way, socially. I think in a way, females often have a slight advantage in that it's traditionally males (in heterosexual relationships anyway) that do the approaching. Having said that, females on the spectrum still have all the challenges of the "running" of the relationship and knowing the rules. He claims he knew something "was wrong" with me within a short space of time, but he didn't run off!
You don't need to be in a relationship to be artificially inseminated, so that's a bonus if that is what you would like.
I would like to have children one day. Out of interest, as a person with Asperger's, how did you manage to find a partner/husband? I realise that there is no rule-book as such, but I am finding it impossible to meet someone. It is even harder for me because I am an asexual ***, so if I did have a child it would have to be done artificially.
Having children is extremely exhausting and challenging for someone on the spectrum. I won't lie, there have been many times I have just wanted to run away, but my love for my children keeps me going.
I've always felt a bit like I was an 'oddity' because I never liked dating and have no interest in settling down, getting married and having children. It all seems like too much effort to have to keep up with someone else's expectations, to have to suppress who I am all the time.
I have been on about four dates in my whole life and during every single one of them I've found it too much effort and have never taken the relationships any further. I'm pretty sure I'd find marriage pretty difficult and children fairly impossible so you're not the only one.
but judging from this review "Asperger's Syndrome is one of the constellation of conditions known as autism. As both Willey and her young daughter have AS, her life story provides a startling look at how those with the syndrome experience the world. Willey grew up knowing only that she was somehow different, extremely intelligent, and extremely quirky•but accepted and valued•seems to have been the assessment of her parents, physicians, and others early in her life. Her peculiarities•inability to find her way in unfamiliar places, and extreme aversion to people coming too close to her, to noise, to confusion•became a devastating issue when she left home for the unfamiliar environment of college. From then on, Willey struggled mightily until she reached the safe haven of marriage to an outstandingly sympathetic partner, a fulfilling job teaching college, and motherhood. When her own daughter, one of twins, was diagnosed as an infant with Asperger's Syndrome, Willey immediately recognized herself: "social action impairments, narrow interests, an insistence on repetitive routines, speech and language peculiarities, non-verbal communication" I won't find any help in this book, too different from my experiences ( both in childhood, in marriage and motherhood) ...
Hi Lipgloss,
These two books may prove of help
Liane Holliday Willey has written about her own experiences as a mother with Asperger syndrome in one chapter "Rocking my babies" in her book "Pretending to be normal" www.jkp.com/.../9781853027499
Fiona Barrington, a woman with Asperger syndrome, has written a book about her experiences as an adoptive mother of two children with Down syndrome
Barrington, F. (2008) Not your normal family. www.amazon.co.uk/.../0755204212
Best wishes,
Anil
