Published on 12, July, 2020
Let's say I know this woman who works at a local supermarket, she smiled at me and said she liked my coat. I believe that's flirting, correct? How do I ask her out on a date?
Red82 (Formerly Mellowjian) said: The only way you can fail to notice the horror of it is to make your world completely small. But where's the fun in that?
A good bit of advice I once received is "be IN the world but not OF the world", which does indeed make your world very small.
But it's MY little world which means I can put who (or what) I want into it, AND remove what I do not want from it.
The trick is having strong borders on your own little world and to NOT let the outside world access it.
The other trick is to make your own little world a NICE place to be, so that when others get a glimpse, they want to be there too.
You've talked before about getting a cat, which is an excellent idea, but there is a hidden cost, or perhaps obligation that comes with getting a cat. On your bad days, when you feel really, really, "malojian" (or for that matter "I Sperg") you HAVE to choke down on that *** and feed them, clean their litter, and BE NICE when you really normally would not manage it. It's a challenge.
Anger really does not work well with cats, and if your cat really does not like you, or the shared life you have, they will leave the first chance they get.
OTOH, in a very Shamanic sense your cat companion will immensely enhance and help guide you in your own personal little world. -When it suits them!
Mark (formerly Spikey) said:I think there should be some sort of award for people who can manage to fall over in a lift. That's quite a feat!
I'm due an award simply for the many many times I've fallen over.
I think I've fallen over on most of my holidays abroad too.
Mark (formerly Spikey) said:I'd let people on the tube first ("after you!") and not be able to get on myself.
Bless you.
Smooth...
Da womble is a playa!
"Bond, James Bond"
I don't have any time for them. That's how it often starts with Autistic people. And then suddenly it's been years. Their brains do not work like ours. This world is a fucking dreadful place. The only way you can fail to notice the horror of it is to make your world completely small. But where's the fun in that?I had my fill of it all years ago. I've spent years just existing and not really wanting to be alive.
I think there should be some sort of award for people who can manage to fall over in a lift. That's quite a feat!
I grew up up North and moved down South about 20 years ago. My wife would laugh and be slightly annoyed because I'd let people on the tube first ("after you!") and not be able to get on myself.
ACF85 said:Will be half yearning to look at people, half yearning to look away, as always, and castigating myself for most likely coming across as unnerving and quite possibly 'toxic', as seems to be the latest adjective for people with an unwanted presence. Always safe to bury myself in a book, as usual. Occasionally risking a glance at people to reassure me that I'm not alone in this universe.
I was wondering if you live in the south of England?
My home city is Portsmouth and it has a reputation for unfriendliness - I tend to be looked at as though I am slightly deranged if I talk to anyone (I am slightly deranged).
I've travelled a bit in the north and I've found Birmingham (decades ago) and Harrogate and Edinburgh (in recent years) vastly more friendly.
I nearly fell over in Harrogate when someone actually spoke to me in a lift!
London can be the pits.
I'll find out this evening when I'm out and about on the trains as I go to visit my children. Will be half yearning to look at people, half yearning to look away, as always, and castigating myself for most likely coming across as unnerving and quite possibly 'toxic', as seems to be the latest adjective for people with an unwanted presence. Always safe to bury myself in a book, as usual. Occasionally risking a glance at people to reassure me that I'm not alone in this universe.
Not a bad idea although I wonder if a coffee may be less daunting for a first date. Depends on what they're like though.
AH, you've noticed that when you hit a certain phase in life, people suddenly have no time for us..
It seems like a brutal time, but it's just preparation for your 60's, unless we can manage to bolt on extra "people skills".
Most of my sexual encounters were not after a formal date. The only proper dates I've been on were in my OKcupid days (many years ago) and they were all disastrous.I met my partners online or through real life friends (in the days when I had them).
Roswell said:I believe that's flirting,
I found that just asking (while wearing a cheeky grin) "are you flirting with me?" is a great way - anything other than a NO means she probably was so you can just follow up "thank goodness, I was going to feel a bit daft asking you out otherwise." and let her lead the conversation from there.
If she does say "NO" to the flirting question then a good follow up would be "shot down in flames again. Still, with someone as amazing as you I couldn't help but ask".
The compliment should defuse the situation from there.
That would be my approach.
like @Uhane says it may not have been flirting. As they say observe them interacting with other customers - perhaps with people in front of you in her checkout queue next time you are shopping?
Note how she interacts with them - perhaps she compliments everyone just being friendly?
What's the best way to word it when you ask someone out?
"Would you like to go to the cinema with me some time?" is probably the best way I can think of. Not specifying a time leaves her options open; specifying the cinema or whatever probably sounds better than just "would you like to go out on a date with me?" though.
What do yous think?
This may not be flirting, just being friendly. Watch how this same person responds to others with or without the same friendliness.
It is so hard to tell so look for patterns. If you do like her no matter, remember she is captive behind the register to your approaches.
So be very sensitive to this. if she doesn't want to date you remember she will have to see you over and over afterwards. this is awkward, an uneven situation, you are not relating as 'equals' with the register between you. The roles are prescribed.
so - watch and see. start short conversations at the register with her. ask what sorts of movies she likes, etc. don't rush anything. remember she cannot walk away as you can from her, if and when it gets weird.
Time and Space . lots of it.
Also - perhaps let her, if she likes, offer social time with you ask you on a date. It's not the the thatcher years after all.
Not sure you ment your words to come out like that ;)
You might like to check out these resources, which are written specifically for autistic audiences:
1. Organization for Autism Research
Advice is broken down into sections, with both text and audio versions of the content. Their advice includes:
Organization for Autism Research - Dating 101
2. NeuroClastic
How Do You Ask Your Crush Out?
3. Autism Speaks
Dating tips for autistic adults
Peter said:Something like 'hey I know you're busy now but some other day would you like to go out for a drink or coffee?'
If someone started a sentence with 'hey' whilst asking me out my head would explode.
Literally.
It would make a mess.
Luckily for R he won't be asking me out.
How are you doing Roswell?
You might hedge your bets and have a couple of short converstaions with her first before actually asking for a date.
But you must be doing someting right, Women don't often initiate conversations with strange men in my experience.
I found a rather cynical Frank Zappa song actually really quite helpful in my youth, it does kinda lay out the process.
www.azlyrics.com/.../findherfiner189598.html
Once I made a mistake by asking for a male pen friend. Ended up stalking me online, knew what time I got up, when I arrived and finished. Decided to stop writing to him and thought I was over reacting (told him that a family member likes to go abroad by train on vacation. He said that the family member goes on a booze cruise);
Think it's more of small talk.