For the men of the Group.. Intimacy problems?

I love making women laugh it’s a great feeling. There’s a girl I fancy and I make her laugh and smile but she has a partner already. It’s a shame all the good ones are already taken. I phone her sometimes and have a laugh with her. I dunno if she ever changed her mind I’d definitely give it a go. She is neurotypical too which is a bonus for me because I know this other girl who is autistic and she is like mind blind. She can’t read any of my flirting towards her or anything. I seen her the other day and she straight up looked like she landed out of a UFO. The way she was dressed lol. Then she just stood there and stared at me awkwardly and she doesn’t answer me texts. Very weird if much rather date a NT girl or just an autistic girl that was normal ish.

That’s fair enough maybe it’s not for you then. You could always be friends with a woman and see how it goes. But problem is if a woman really likes you then she might expect you to be intimate with her.

Women DO like being made to laugh. 

Case in point, talking to G/F today we are both grumpy, it's not going so well then cat interrupts conversation asking for food. I can't remember the words I used to address the cat at that point, (and I said them cheerfully enough, so as to not cause offence) but it was sufficently creatively rude to make her laugh, and that make the rest of the convo a little more upbeat. 

The moral of the story being, if you can't be nice, at least be funny with it. Once I stopped trying to date supermodels (Or women who believe they are) and found real women who are prepared to take the rough with the smooth* and actually work a bit at the relationship, if you are willing to tolerate their little foibles in return, the relationships take a lot longer to founder...

* Up to a point, all women have stuff that they simply will NOT put up with, and you should be the same. I don't tolerate physical violence in my relationships AT ALL. I've stopped toleratng "shouting" now, too since my Autism dx as it's not an appropriate way fo dealing with my failings, which I now know I can't do much about. Other than apologise, and try and be better at the stuff I am good at, to get an acceptable balance. 

Here's some basic relationship maths that might help ease some male confusoin. 

Women as we all know require time and money (W=t.£)

Time as we already know is money (t-£) We also know that Money is the root of all Evil.

Reformulating the first equation for ths "time money" equvalence gives us W=£.£ 

or W=£ squared

If money is the root of all Evil, and Women = money sqared, 

A simplifiication reveals that W=Evil !

Hi Kvothe,

I personally don't have problems with intimacy when I'm with someone, of either sex, but I can very much see how it can be distressing from an autistic perspective. I'm thinking maybe how the nature of love, intimacy and experiencing that energy of emotional connection in sex and romance kind of requires you to lose yourself in the moment. And how this temporary loss of self-control is disconcerting. One reason why I feel wary of having alcohol fuelled intimate encounters and strive to keep as clear a head as possible to ensure the 'realness' of the encounter. I'm a hopeless romantic myself and for me the build up and the passion that surrounds and embraces the encounter is just as important, more so even, than the sexual intimacy itself. Perhaps think of the intimacy more as learning more about your partner. For example literally counting the number of moles on their body, estimating the measurements of aspects of their body. Let your autistic mind connect with the sensory properties and immerse yourself in the fragrance and bodily contours of your partner. Embrace them whilst your brain 'records' them and perhaps the safety and security aspects of love and intimacy will win out over the less rational aspects of love where you feel yourself losing self-control. I believe that self-control and intimacy can co-exist beautifully and even last longer.

Andrew

(Limited experience, for granted, but a love maker all the same.)

I dont know what gabba is lol yeah i think some women find me attractive enough its just that i cant imagine being intimate with them as the thought makes me feel really uncomfortable like MR T above says 

Yeah its weird isnt Bing so close and face to face terrifies me and also being judged on things as well. Anonymous hooks ups seem to work maybe because of the no personal intimacy.. I appreciate you saying you are not sure how the intimacy chasm is bridged cause i feel like i am the only one that feels that way..

Cheer Mate

I mean I'm not intrested in sexual intermacy with men and so far women are not intrested in sexual intermicy with me so it's a bit academic.

I have found in the past that being so close face to face is intimidating as making eye contact really troubles me. I did find that anonymous hook ups (if I could get any) were much better for me. I crave a loving relationship but not sure how the intimacy chasm is bridged.

Yeh you win in that case haha. But no I don’t know what it’s about. That’s it! You gotta be happy! Happy guys get girls. Angry depressed guys don’t. Just be happy my friend. Women will want you if you’re happy! By the way I am not saying that you are angry and depressed just FYI. But yeh autistic people are depressed and this is because they have low gaba as me and that other guy on the forums keep saying. (Can’t remember his name). You gotta get the gaba then you get the good things in life. Just don’t get it through drinking alcohol because that sucks.

Well i struggle with that too so i guess i win ;) lol it is a struggle both ways eh and its not something you can just get over with practice if you cant get practice

No don’t struggle with this. I actually struggle with finding a female that wants to be intimate with me. So yeh I don’t have this issue. But I understand this must be bad for you to have this issue with females. 

IS that the same with physical sexual intimacy?

I find contact with the oposite sex easyer to be honest. Makes sence really. Growing up had contact with lots of male bullies and no female bullies. The only thing that's uncomfortable with the oposite sex is often I have the urge to do 'non platonic touching' in such moments. (please avoid sensationist conclusion jumping; I have self controle)

I am ok with hugging.. though it took me a while and still feels strange and i have to know the person well.

Other than that i find contact with the opposite sex very uncomfortable 

The most I've ever been intimate with someone is hugging. I do find that I crave it a lot.

It just depends on the person. For so long I hated hugs or anything like that.