Published on 12, July, 2020
I recognise that I am a massive hypocrite for even expressing my distain for my own ASC diagnosis, but I don't feel empowered or overly positive presepective towards the confirmation of a ASC diagnosis.
I was diagnosed in 2021 as an adult and I had hoped and was told it just may take time to feel validated and accepting of it. Its 2024 now and I'm concerned that I am not feeling how am I supposed to be. I feel a little ashamed because I know so many others want offical confirmation of a diagnosis and it could be interpreted I am ungrateful for mine.
In my own experience, causes a nightmare with employers, especially in regards to Occupational Health, workplace adaptations, understanding and all that jazz. While I am so lucky to have a community mental health team, everything being framed as 'autistic' from a NHS prespective and that in turns feeds the negative cycles in my brain. I acknowledge I have low self-esteem, a bleak outlook socially, romantically and professonally with ASC and a self-hatrid that massively revolves around my own autism.
I'm not finding any joy following my community practitioner route (although I admit I don't understand what that is), but something needs to change towards my own attitude. I feel so bad with how I feel, it has been verbalised to me by many people how I view my autism is unusal and not good. Does anyone feel negative about their diagnosis? What would you do if this was your situation?
Why should you feel grateful? Why should you feel joy or anything else for that matter? Its just how life is, a diagnoses changes everything and nothing in a very profound way. Everything is changed by this new knowlege, but on the other hand all the challenges remain.
I felt relieved to have my diagnosis, it meant I could stop trying to be the way other people wanted me to be and be myself fulltime and challenge people back from a position of knowlege when they criticised me for being so bad at some things. I don't sugar coat it, or try and make something special out of it, I just tell them matter of factly why I'm doing or not doing something, they either get over it or go away, as I don't give them any other choice.
Some people's lives would make great books/films. Like yours, Uhane. Mine would be as dull as dishwater barring a few anecdotes.
a pleasure. we seek to connect.
Interesting........as always. Thank you for sharing.
A diagnosis of autism is only useful if it answers questions and points out a route towards coping strategies. If it is not doing these things for you, you have every right to feel negative about it.
I have always felt that I have been provided with an extraordinary skill set and that it is not important that others recognize that. I was a very small female in an Ultra-right Patriarchic setting, so to out shine any one, especially a male was quickly dealt with as if it were subversive.
By the age of 4 I saw I was not in a safe, sane situation and that invisibility would be my sanctuary and would save me. I had a lot more latitude as a female idiot for whom little could be expected. I went unnoticed. Planning experiments, reading and creative persecutes in private left me also with out the "You can't do that" voice I see so many had to deal with.
I eventually got old enough to run away, knowing I would have to relearn the world and find my truth - but there were so many of us on the road, heading to San Fransisco with flowers in our hair.
The patriarchy did me a favor by ignoring me, rather than instilling performance guilt in me.
I’m not officially diagnosed, maybe I would have requested that if it was easier. I’m too tired with everything and everything is too much, I’m fragile so I just stay “self diagnosed”. It helped me a lot, helps me understand why I’m different, my self dx is based on research, tests and most important things - comparison of lived experience with people from the autistic community. It helped me improve the quality of my life, helped me understand what I actually need and that I don’t have to be like the majority. Sometimes some negativity tortures my brain, but generally the realisation is a positive thing for me. I’m only a bit scared, whenever I think that I could possibly be told, that I’m wrong, that I’m not autistic, although I was told by mental health professionals that I’m very likely to be autistic and I also remember same from teachers in my primary school. So it’s up to us, what do we do with the diagnosis/ information. Maybe you can ask yourself, what was initially the purpose of getting the diagnosis (if you didn’t yet). Maybe you need a support from a psychologist with the acceptance? All emotions are normal, not only positive ones.