Published on 12, July, 2020
I recognise that I am a massive hypocrite for even expressing my distain for my own ASC diagnosis, but I don't feel empowered or overly positive presepective towards the confirmation of a ASC diagnosis.
I was diagnosed in 2021 as an adult and I had hoped and was told it just may take time to feel validated and accepting of it. Its 2024 now and I'm concerned that I am not feeling how am I supposed to be. I feel a little ashamed because I know so many others want offical confirmation of a diagnosis and it could be interpreted I am ungrateful for mine.
In my own experience, causes a nightmare with employers, especially in regards to Occupational Health, workplace adaptations, understanding and all that jazz. While I am so lucky to have a community mental health team, everything being framed as 'autistic' from a NHS prespective and that in turns feeds the negative cycles in my brain. I acknowledge I have low self-esteem, a bleak outlook socially, romantically and professonally with ASC and a self-hatrid that massively revolves around my own autism.
I'm not finding any joy following my community practitioner route (although I admit I don't understand what that is), but something needs to change towards my own attitude. I feel so bad with how I feel, it has been verbalised to me by many people how I view my autism is unusal and not good. Does anyone feel negative about their diagnosis? What would you do if this was your situation?
I have always felt that I have been provided with an extraordinary skill set and that it is not important that others recognize that. I was a very small female in an Ultra-right Patriarchic setting, so to out shine any one, especially a male was quickly dealt with as if it were subversive.
By the age of 4 I saw I was not in a safe, sane situation and that invisibility would be my sanctuary and would save me. I had a lot more latitude as a female idiot for whom little could be expected. I went unnoticed. Planning experiments, reading and creative persecutes in private left me also with out the "You can't do that" voice I see so many had to deal with.
I eventually got old enough to run away, knowing I would have to relearn the world and find my truth - but there were so many of us on the road, heading to San Fransisco with flowers in our hair.
The patriarchy did me a favor by ignoring me, rather than instilling performance guilt in me.
Some people's lives would make great books/films. Like yours, Uhane. Mine would be as dull as dishwater barring a few anecdotes.