How can I prevent mis-communication?

Sometimes, some people of a bullying and hateful mindset deliberately create ambiguity in communication as an expression of their prejudice and discriminatory attitudes and behaviour for no reason and by the the same token, they will engage in disagreement for its own sake, under the guise of playing devil’s advocate, believing that their opponent needs to be kept in check - the only way to deal with such people is to quietly and silently “accept” that you are “wrong” (even if you are right) making no comment on any issue, keeping your views and opinions to yourself (as such people certainly don’t want to hear it and will use these against you) - I’ve experienced this a lot in supermarket bullying for 17 years and many supermarket managers are ex-army and ex-police officers, who under the guise of enforcing order and discipline, are ego-driven horrible people with massive attitude problems 

Something I heard recently has been in my thoughts since:

State your truth once (stop over-explaining).

While I am thinking further on this topic I keep a.draft email to myself - where I build up more resources along the theme (to enable me to "park" and revisit those strategies - rather than ruminate or get over-anxious worrying about the whole thing.

Below are a collection of my notes on this theme:

State your truth once (stop over-explaining).

Text Source: Autism From The Inside (YouTube video - Are you an over-explainer? The Real Reason You Keep Over Explaining Yourself (And How to Fix It!) m.youtube.com/watch ).

State Your Truth Once!

[My Notes Gathered From Multiple Sources]:

Be true to yourself / state what is true for you or about you / live as your most authentic self / be real / learn to kindly, politely, but firmly state your truth / change the World; one response at a time / the honest and authentic expression of your needs, desires, creativity and boundaries / be honest and true (instead of people pleasing) / let go of caretaking for the feelings, judgments and perceptions of others while owning full responsibility for speaking your truth in an effective way / learn: real and practical skills to help you embody your worth and thrive / embody into your self-worth and finally be seen as you are / push the bounds of what it means to be worthy, whole and in your power / stand in your power with "true" humility, self love and integrity / BREAK THE NEED FOR OTHERS TO SEE YOU AS “GOOD,” “RIGHT” OR “NICE.” JUST BE HONEST. FIRST WITH YOURSELF, THEN WITH THE WORLD / aim for you feeling the "more ...." www.madisonmorrigan.com/.../learning-to-speak-your-truth ]

Think of a bell being hit once and left to ring; (delivering the message), as opposed to being hit multiple times: (that is just noise).

Prioritise.

What do you want?

What are you trying to do in this situation?

Top down instead of bottom up.

What is the most important thing here?

Say in one sentence; what it is that I want to communicate.

Have in mind that it is a conversation.

You don't need to share 100% of what you are thinking in the first blip of the conversation.

Say a little bit and then wait for the other person to respond.

Aim to get the other person included in the process.

No place for over-sharing, over-explaining or over-delivering.

Think: Stand up, speak out, sit down, and shut up.

[Say, Pause, and Wait For An Answer]

Thank you. I’m so grateful for this, I feel so much better after posting here and I am absolutely a reader so this helps loads.

So true  This made me laugh lol

You have a good way of looking at things Fiona.

Thank you so much for this, it’s relatable and I’m feeling less alone.

Thank you. I like that you see masking as needs-must. Unfortunately it’s necessary sometimes.

Relatable lol. A good point too. Thank you.

This question is of such import. thanks for posting.

•Sometimes it cannot be avoided as the other person's OS is not interfacing well with my own and there is not enough common 'code' that we can build on. Nothing personal.

•Another aspect is that some have extremely selective or poor memories, adopting trends in perspective that they then want to defend, as if it were a possession. They blithely modify or deny memories and remembered experiences to support those perspectives.

There is no way I know of to point out the actual facts in this kind of thinking that does not elicit ill will. I end up feeling vulnerable and just say things like "as you like", "just so", "well, there it is", or some such. I have a little pocketful of these defensive salvos. I lob one and walk away.  Best to walk and leave the other to their own devices. Opinions are as mercurial as mercury.

•If I have to accomplish something with others to get a thing done there's a way that sometimes works to bypass all the my-way-highway chest swellings that clog up the effort: masking.

1 - I try the "team" approach: We are as conspirators against a world gone mad and together we will get 'er done! I insist the other person take the credit in the end. I begin by thanking them for being there, or for answering the phone. This one is best for customer service on the phone.

2 - I might try flattery: This ones for in person interactions. It's always honest and based on observation. People especially like to have nails, hair, eye blows, or shoes etc. pointed out as pleasing features. "Is that a vintage Ryn Spooner? I love those shirts!." Then I sprinkle in aspects of the task at hand as we go along, making sure to come back to, say, the cute child's picture on the desk, or where did you get the nails done etc. Again, I begin by thanking them for being there, or for answering the phone. and give them all the credit at the end

Masking is exhausting and hurts but needs must at the DMV!

all this works SOME times.

Repeat what they say, it gives you time to think, and, it shows you're listening.

...of course, I never do this, and am always in a rush to blurt things out

Hi Jess

I can relate to all you have said. I too have ran into countless problems with my communications being misinterpreted. This has led to various complaints made against me when dealing with staff.

Because I am rather blunt and straight to the point as perceived as being aggressive, passive aggressive, rude, uncaring. Ive been accused of all manner of things over the years. That was prediagnosis but I did know that something was wrong and asked for help to be told that was part of being a manager and to work on my communication skills. I went on numerous courses and understood what was being taught but try to put that into real life for me was a fail for me. It would be interesting to see what would happen now after my diagnosis but my manager no longer wants me in the department (discrimination anyone?). I have disclosed to my manager, HR and occupational health but the answer is redeployment from all bar OHS but they are ignoring the medical advice.

I work in the NHS and have found it treats its staff not very well. They talk the talk but when it comes to the crunch.

I don't like having to explain the obvious either, nor do I like it when people assume that I need the obvious explained to me either.

I think some people are just hard work to communicte with, like the people that finish your sentences for you or repeat the last word or two of everything you say. Or the people that ask a question, then don't give you time to answer it before jumpiing on to the next question, half a dozen or so questions down the line and everyones confused, but if they'd have shut up long enough to listen to the answer to the first question none of the confusion would be needed.

Thank you, empathy is appreciated. This stuff is hard!

I've just bought the first book myself. I have some wisdom of age, but I can be as clueless as anyone here too. Thanks Iain.

Ruth said:

I always take things so literally and therefore struggle to understand what people really mean

If you are a reader then I would suggest this book to explain a lot of stuff about social interactions so you can initially see what is being said to you beyond just the words:

The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships - Decoding Social Mysteries Through the Unique Perspectives of Autism - Temple Grandin, Sean Barron (2005)
ISBN: 9781941765388

With an understanding of what is really going on here, you will slowly get used to applying it in real time and can eventually pick it up on autopilot and engage in conversations more or less like them.

I imagine your work involves a lot of social interactions that would be helped with the skills of small talk to put people at ease. The following book can give you some good ideas on how to do this more or less fluently:

How to Talk to Anyone About Anything - Improve Your Social Skills, Master Small Talk, Connect Effortlessly, and Make Real Friends - W. Williams, James (2021)
ISBN‎ 195303635X

I would suggest maybe reading a chapter a week and working on that to start with just so you can see progress being made and have plenty of time to practice.

Once you have beed doing this for a month or two you should start to feel you are gaining more control over this weakness and it will work towards greater confience and self esteem.

The "double empathy" problem is something we all face. It sounds extra tough for you, though, Jess. I gravitated towards jobs where I was left alone. I tip my hat to you for dealing with people all the time. I have miscommunication with my own wife. I can't imagine the pickles that I'd have with colleagues. (As usual with me, no advice, just empathy )

A lot of communication issues arise when people assume they know how to interpret the other person's words. Assumptions come from how we are hard-wired, brought up, cultural groups, language expectation, humour, different vocabulary, local language use, and many other things.

To assume that someone would mean the same thing that you do, would imply that they have walked the same journey through life and learned the same things you did.

It is sometimes hard, and I am often a pain for it, but I ask many clarifying questions of the other person. If they mis-interpret my literal words, it will cause problems, as it has done many times. Once people understand I try to choose words carefully to mean something as specific as possible, they stop putting their spin on it.

Understanding is the key, and that comes from not assuming, but asking.

I think it’s mostly when taking things literally that I struggle with. It can cause mis-communication on my side as I don’t get what people always mean.

And then the other way round, sometimes I won’t communicate things that I just assume are obvious. It’s hard! I find it can happen a lot at work. I hate it tbh. I know colleagues must hate me for it too.

I’m definitely a human, although I feel like a robot sometimes  I always take things so literally and therefore struggle to understand what people really mean. It’s hard and it’s not until after that I might think “ohhh they were trying to say xyz”. It can happen in professional situations where there are rules and processes.

Sometimes miscommunication arises as a result of being accompanied by misunderstanding on one or both sides of the conversation.  That doesn't mean progress cannot be made.

It doesn't have to be about bad intentions by anyone or a lack of skill by someone (circumstance, context, the environment, conflicting priorities, anxiety, stress or exhaustion are just some examples of what may have played a contributing role too).

Also, the good news is that often: if a miscommunication has happened; there is often an opportunity to remedy or rescue the situation (even if one or both of the people demonstrated a concerning or alarming strong emotion about the last conversation or correspondence at the time).

First time around one or both sides may have got something unfortunately wrong - things just did not go the best way (it doesn't have to mean it will be the same way next time with the same person or with a different person).

Maybe you could describe a "for instance" (albeit, somewhat anonymised)?