Published on 12, July, 2020
After much self reflection on my natural behaviour in social settings, my being accustomed to solitude and my tendency to keep to myself and remain unnoticed, I feel that I am unsuitable as a partner and as a friend.
Due to my alexithymia I appear disinterested and miserable, and I am prone to burnout much more quickly and take more time to regain my emotional equilibrium.
I heard of an ND support group in my area, but I chose not to go, first because it was in the evening and a ways away from my home, and secondly I didn't feel ND enough that I would be more likely to be welcomed.
I also reject dating and social apps, I tried bumble a few times, but the people on there disgusted me, and the costs for full access were unacceptable.
I also have to mask and deny my autism in public and in application forms, as a survival mechanism, I can manage for most of the day before returning home to recharge.
I accepted myself in that I am stunted, awkward, misanthropic and I have only my family and personal interests to keep me going. I also have to push my real feelings deep down where they can't harm anyone and keep to myself but at the same time not be a nasty bellend.
... .... .- -.. --- said:How do peeps meet their partners?
My experience (a bit dusty at the moment) was that the neurotypical dating scene pre-apps was most effective when there was someone doing the matchmaking.
I got setup on a blind date with the woman I ended up marrying. Previous long term relationships were some chance encounters at work and in my late teens, parents setting me up at a party full of older people where one brought their daughter who was single.
If you have limiting traits (eg can't be around people, very visible stims, limited ability to talk or extreme anxiousness) then you will find the conventional ways very hard to manage. In these cases it makes more sense to try to find a person you can start as friends with and maybe develop it from there.
Special interests are the most likely way forward here - find clubs of others who share your interest and use this as a way to make coversation. Learn a bit about how to make small talk (plenty of sites or books on the subject out there) and it will give you the toolkit to be able to have wider conversations with them.
From my second hand experiences of dating apps (through friends and family) I find them very hard going with many of the users of these just cycling through partners and discarding them until they find the match they want and hope the match doesn't then move on to the next match themselves.
Such a disposable relationship culture with so many unspoken rules to it that we as autists are probably not going to understand.
Thanks. I'm not 100% sure I'll stay single in 20 years time, it's all a matter of chance, but I can try to nudge the odds in my favour.
Firstly I think you are brave and you have a great understanding of yourself.With dating it is personal thing,I personally have always found it a nightmare and I get insecure in the early stages if a call or text is not returned quickly or if a date gets cancelled.Then I get blame as being over keen.For me I recognise that having a partner would be a nightmare so I am comfortable in my own skin being single and never having children.Relationships are a minefield but who knows if someone is out there that is the one .I just no longer care .Hope that is of some help
Maybe I'm jumping to conclusions. After clearing my head, I can't say I'm undateable or unable to make friends if I never had any to begin with. But that's the thing, no experience at all. It's hard not to feel like I missed the boat on picking up those skills that come naturally to most people. Unfortunately there are no life coaches in my area, not that I could afford them anyway.
True, very few people know me properly. I don't know how to get things going. Where to go, what to say and do, stuff like that. Also how to find people who are more likely to be compatible.
Although to be honest, even if only once I would like to sleep with a woman, letting our armour down and feeling each other's warmth.
Which I think about more as living at home is difficult at the moment.
Lol! I am relieved that I order my shopping in. I would not be able to look at one of those scanners again after this convo haha! That is where I am stuck. Finding a partner & one that that suits me & will accept me for who I am.I have lived alone for over 8yrs now & the happiest I have been because I am mostly in control of my life. But that does not mean that I do not feel lonely & at time crave an intimate relationship. But when I think about my life. How would I meet anyone anyway as I spend the majority of my life in my home?? How do peeps meet their partners?
I relate a lot to this post. Dating seems like such a waste of time.
My apologies, I wanted to use a safe euphemism.
Hi BloodySpoon,
I'm going to say something very personal and presumptive here - I don't think you can judge you as undatable or a poor friend, because I don't think you've accepted yourself yet.
You talk a great deal about all the ways in which you act because of other people. You're making an assumption that other people view you as miserable; you think you'll be shunned by neurodiverse people because you're not neurodiverse enough, and to cap it all you say you use your autistic mask to hide your true self from people.
So I would say - probably not many people have properly ever met you! So, with respect, I would say you can't say you'd make a poor partner or friend.
To you, you think you look "disinterested and miserable" to someone who made a connection with you, you might appear "calm and quite". I had a best friend called James like that, he was like a mental backrub, every time things started to get hectic, I'd find James, some days he'd grunt at me, other times not, then we'd just hang out in silence occasionally pointing at things. It might not sound much to you, it meant a lot to me.
This is such a stupid thing for me to say in a discussion board because there's so much back-work required to make it work. But start by trying to be kind to yourself for the way you are, you've stated clearly it's important to you not to be a bellend. So many people couldn't give a dam about that and would treat people with disrespect and unkindness, yet you've made a point of avoiding it.
The world has yet to see the true Bloodyspoon
ExplodingHeads said:a bit of self service
I just had an image of the self service scanners in the supermarket... I'll not be able to shop in the Coop again now
On a serious note, I get what you mean - it can be a lot of work to let someone in, but I found it worth taking the chance and being vulnerable when I found the right partner.
It takes really wanting to spend your life with them to make giving up these things (space and free time), but with the right partner they help you find better things to do and more fun ways to pass the time, but you should still be able to keep a bit of that for yourself.
It is all about finding a compromise that suits both of you - not always as easy as it sounds mind you.
You may be surprised that there are very supportive females out there. Granted may be hard to find but do not stop trying. I found my wonderful, loving partner in my late 40's after having lived through an abusive marriage for 20 odd years.
My partner does not live with me as she recognises my need for decompression time. This arrangement works well for us.
I'm pretty sure that Chris Packham does not live with his partner
I would be ok with never having physical intimacy apart from handshakes which are as far as I'll go.
For me it seems too much of a bother so a bit of self service is enough to get rid of those urges.
I could never imagine sharing my personal space and life with someone who would be put off or try to impose themselves on me.
Are you OK with never having physical intimacy?
I'm fine with being alone and prefer it, because I struggle with and don't enjoy socialising, and I feel like I have to put on an act when around people, which is a lot of effort. When I'm alone I can just have my routine (which I don't like changing) and get very into my special interests without interruption.
I definitely wouldn't be able to live with someone else, so even if I did have a partner it would have to be someone I just saw occasionally at pre-arranged times (not spontaneously) and I would need uninterrupted periods (of days or longer) by myself to recharge, which basically no woman would ever be OK with.
But I still have urges (if you know what I mean), which makes me wish I could just be normal.