Published on 12, July, 2020
After much self reflection on my natural behaviour in social settings, my being accustomed to solitude and my tendency to keep to myself and remain unnoticed, I feel that I am unsuitable as a partner and as a friend.
Due to my alexithymia I appear disinterested and miserable, and I am prone to burnout much more quickly and take more time to regain my emotional equilibrium.
I heard of an ND support group in my area, but I chose not to go, first because it was in the evening and a ways away from my home, and secondly I didn't feel ND enough that I would be more likely to be welcomed.
I also reject dating and social apps, I tried bumble a few times, but the people on there disgusted me, and the costs for full access were unacceptable.
I also have to mask and deny my autism in public and in application forms, as a survival mechanism, I can manage for most of the day before returning home to recharge.
I accepted myself in that I am stunted, awkward, misanthropic and I have only my family and personal interests to keep me going. I also have to push my real feelings deep down where they can't harm anyone and keep to myself but at the same time not be a nasty bellend.
Maybe I'm jumping to conclusions. After clearing my head, I can't say I'm undateable or unable to make friends if I never had any to begin with. But that's the thing, no experience at all. It's hard not to feel like I missed the boat on picking up those skills that come naturally to most people. Unfortunately there are no life coaches in my area, not that I could afford them anyway.