Published on 12, July, 2020
After much self reflection on my natural behaviour in social settings, my being accustomed to solitude and my tendency to keep to myself and remain unnoticed, I feel that I am unsuitable as a partner and as a friend.
Due to my alexithymia I appear disinterested and miserable, and I am prone to burnout much more quickly and take more time to regain my emotional equilibrium.
I heard of an ND support group in my area, but I chose not to go, first because it was in the evening and a ways away from my home, and secondly I didn't feel ND enough that I would be more likely to be welcomed.
I also reject dating and social apps, I tried bumble a few times, but the people on there disgusted me, and the costs for full access were unacceptable.
I also have to mask and deny my autism in public and in application forms, as a survival mechanism, I can manage for most of the day before returning home to recharge.
I accepted myself in that I am stunted, awkward, misanthropic and I have only my family and personal interests to keep me going. I also have to push my real feelings deep down where they can't harm anyone and keep to myself but at the same time not be a nasty bellend.
Hi BloodySpoon,
I'm going to say something very personal and presumptive here - I don't think you can judge you as undatable or a poor friend, because I don't think you've accepted yourself yet.
You talk a great deal about all the ways in which you act because of other people. You're making an assumption that other people view you as miserable; you think you'll be shunned by neurodiverse people because you're not neurodiverse enough, and to cap it all you say you use your autistic mask to hide your true self from people.
So I would say - probably not many people have properly ever met you! So, with respect, I would say you can't say you'd make a poor partner or friend.
To you, you think you look "disinterested and miserable" to someone who made a connection with you, you might appear "calm and quite". I had a best friend called James like that, he was like a mental backrub, every time things started to get hectic, I'd find James, some days he'd grunt at me, other times not, then we'd just hang out in silence occasionally pointing at things. It might not sound much to you, it meant a lot to me.
This is such a stupid thing for me to say in a discussion board because there's so much back-work required to make it work. But start by trying to be kind to yourself for the way you are, you've stated clearly it's important to you not to be a bellend. So many people couldn't give a dam about that and would treat people with disrespect and unkindness, yet you've made a point of avoiding it.
The world has yet to see the true Bloodyspoon
True, very few people know me properly. I don't know how to get things going. Where to go, what to say and do, stuff like that. Also how to find people who are more likely to be compatible.