Published on 12, July, 2020
After much self reflection on my natural behaviour in social settings, my being accustomed to solitude and my tendency to keep to myself and remain unnoticed, I feel that I am unsuitable as a partner and as a friend.
Due to my alexithymia I appear disinterested and miserable, and I am prone to burnout much more quickly and take more time to regain my emotional equilibrium.
I heard of an ND support group in my area, but I chose not to go, first because it was in the evening and a ways away from my home, and secondly I didn't feel ND enough that I would be more likely to be welcomed.
I also reject dating and social apps, I tried bumble a few times, but the people on there disgusted me, and the costs for full access were unacceptable.
I also have to mask and deny my autism in public and in application forms, as a survival mechanism, I can manage for most of the day before returning home to recharge.
I accepted myself in that I am stunted, awkward, misanthropic and I have only my family and personal interests to keep me going. I also have to push my real feelings deep down where they can't harm anyone and keep to myself but at the same time not be a nasty bellend.
Are you OK with never having physical intimacy?
I'm fine with being alone and prefer it, because I struggle with and don't enjoy socialising, and I feel like I have to put on an act when around people, which is a lot of effort. When I'm alone I can just have my routine (which I don't like changing) and get very into my special interests without interruption.
I definitely wouldn't be able to live with someone else, so even if I did have a partner it would have to be someone I just saw occasionally at pre-arranged times (not spontaneously) and I would need uninterrupted periods (of days or longer) by myself to recharge, which basically no woman would ever be OK with.
But I still have urges (if you know what I mean), which makes me wish I could just be normal.
You may be surprised that there are very supportive females out there. Granted may be hard to find but do not stop trying. I found my wonderful, loving partner in my late 40's after having lived through an abusive marriage for 20 odd years.
My partner does not live with me as she recognises my need for decompression time. This arrangement works well for us.
I'm pretty sure that Chris Packham does not live with his partner