Never felt more lonely since ASD diagnosis

I can relate so much. I grew up undiagnosed and heavily masked. I'm 21 and have only just been diagnosed with autism. I love my mum and she has been supportive of many things in my life, including coming out and letting my partner move in. But she has never understood me in regards to mental health and my autism. Similarly to your mum, i too think that she thinks it is just something you can get over and 'snap out of'. She often says that everyone worries about things and no one likes to work. It really invalidates my feelings and challenges, despite now having an offical diagnosis of autism, i dont think she realises its a disability and more than just worrying. i too have tried to make my mum understand and explain, and she listens but never acts on it or changes her mind or what she says. 

I too constantly worry and feel lost. i feel so judged by her on my abilities. im so struggling in life and have no idea what im doing, and her judgement makes things worse and i still feel like im exaggerating or faking.  she makes me feel like i dont try hard enough.

that sounds wonderful

I felt less alone generally, but more alone daily, as I'm not surrounded by similar people in my life/work (although working in IT there's a lot, even if they know it, they don't openly admit it, which I don't!)

Very fixed views, an inability to admit mistakes, your mother certainly has autistic traits, even if she might not be clinically diagnosable.

I felt just the opposite after diagnosis. I always struggled with things other people seemed to find easy. I felt that my strange traits and quirks were entirely personal and that I was just bad at being a human. Finding that there were lots of other people like me was a great comfort, I felt much less alone.

I have a bad memory too (unless it really interests me). Seeing as I am hugely interested in neurodivergence and my children I managed to create a good habit by setting a reminder on my phone to do the diary at lunchtime (when I’m less busy). It is so helpful to read back after a few months as well as you notice patterns. I have also started a journal for myself just to note how I handle certain situations as I tend to be hard on myself for not responding to things in the right way, it just gives me a little reassurance. 

Your welcome and I hope it works for you too!

Could your mum be autistic? 

Hey

how are you doing? 
these are the autobiographies that I have tried. also, in case useful, I usually find tv/film representations of autistic people “diffficult,” but I recently watched Life and Beth on Disney + and, although there are some stereotypes in the depiction I found it to be a very positive show. Hannah Gadsby’s “Douglas” was a light bulb moment and then a reassuring safety net for me for ages.

autobiographies:

Hannah Gadsby, Ten Steps to Nanette

Chris Packham, Fingers in the Sparkle Jar 

Fern Brady, Strong Female Character (I haven’t read this one yet) 

Sara Gibbs, Drama Queen

Was recommended Spectrum Women, Ed. Barb Cook but haven’t read it yet. 

Hello,

thank you. I moved on and have never felt better as I am doing so much more with my new, found, confidence. No, we are not alien but the world we live in, sadly is. Please do not waste your time on trying to convert those who lack understanding. I have long since given up on my family.   

Strangely enough, an old school friend who was always there for me got in touch with me yesterday! After not speaking for years. What are the odds?! So strange. The one and only person from school who I would say fits your description to a tee.

With regards to groups I understand what you're saying. I'm more interested in them just to meet more people who understand me. So I have a place to go to not feel so 'odd one out'.

Hmm well, we're on the same chapter at least. Mostly haha. 

That's a lovely and very thoughtful thing to do for your son! I have thought about keeping a daily diary in the past, I just didn't have any faith in myself that I would remember to do it every day. I have such a bad memory. After reading your reply I think I'm actually going to try and do it. Doing it for my daughters will give me the motivation to keep on top of it. I would have loved to have been given something like that. Thanks for the idea! 

Thankyou, I appreciate you're input. Don't worry I'm new on here so I'm learning how to use it myself. The fact that you even took the time to write a reply is more than enough. 

Yes, I find it very comforting to know I'm not alone in my experiences so listening to stories from others does help.

Yeah sure, I'm very happy for people to chat on here :) 

Hey

also going through similar

duagnosed lst year after 40 years of misdiagnosis 

I find using this hard so apologies for such brief reply but I wanted to add my voice to the list so you know you are not alone. 

does hearing other people’s stories help you? I have a list of autobiographies that you might like. 

perhaps we could all keep chatting on this thread too? If you like. 

Thank you for your kind words and it’s good to hear that you and your partner are on the same page. 
I have mentioned this on another thread before but thought I would share it with you in case it’s helpful. Since discovering my son is autistic I have written in a diary every day and recorded what has helped or not helped a particular situation. I have recorded all meetings, times and dates with teachers at school as well as what was discussed. I’m hoping this will be a blueprint for him when he’s older and can look back through his childhood. I have also written a manual for family members and good friends about who he is unmasked so he is not misinterpreted. Also things like coping strategies, things he finds comforting and things he finds overwhelming. I have not distributed this out yet but I’m hoping it will give people the opportunity to understand him and not dismiss his traits as just bad behaviour or being awkward. 

I just thought that it would be a nice thing to do for him and at least let him know I had taken the time to understand him myself. 

It's definitely going to get easier over time. 

I've had some therapy sessions, it's helped having someone completely impartial to talk to , there's no risk of me not saying something in case I hurt their feelings etc. then getting a professional viewpoint that isn't biased is great. I was sceptical at first but now I definitely recommend it. 

One thing I'm trying to focus on more is what makes me happy, try and look at that first, rather than read the room and put on a  mask to ensure everyone elses happiness and opinions are my priority. There's always times all people need to mask to some extent , but the more we do the bigger overhead on our emotions and also the risk of losing our sense of self in amongst it all.

It's not easy finding a balance but we'll get there!

Definitely need to think more about yourself and your needs now, make sure you're looking after "you" more.

Just to say, and when we are with someone is hard to explain in words, its not always possible our partner to be our friend in the way I described it, to share all and steam out, and there is a strong reason for it. In Psychology they use a term "conflicting agenda". When a mental health therapist has any kind of connection with the patient or the subject, they need to stop supporting them. This is because they will not be impartial . ie A male therapist who has experienced domestic abuse can not support a woman who has been given CBT for anger management following attacking her husband. (its a lame example, but I hope you get it.), or a therapist who knows a family member of the patient must stop seeing them.

The issue here with Blue Raccoon's (BR from now) husband, regardless how good a husband can be, is that he is affected directly or indirectly by his mother in law. He is affected by BR being upset, or her mood going down when her mother say or do something. He most likely also experience this behaviour directly from the mother in law (ehem).

So, in a sense, BR husband is BR. You cant have much of a conversation with your own problem, hence BR experiences loneliness and being lost sometimes, because she knows talking with her husband about her mother who affects them both in the same way, is only a down spiral for both partners of "she made me mad again, i have no mood, we will be grumpy all day, there will be no sex tonight... :p). 

Yes, a good friend will help. I need to add here, I am totally against groups, but this is because I do not want to share with many people my personal situation. When I do, I feel I have spent my inside, my world, my reality, like a deck of cards, and now so people having one or two, and I feel it looses value, in a way, as if i disrespect my cosmos.

It is also dangerous. People know people. remember the "Six degrees of separation". Remember I told you find a friend, but make sure you trust them to open up and let it all out. Remember i told you I don't trust people, and who doesnt? Well what odds you think you have to find a jerk in a group of 10 people? The answer is plenty.

Find that old friend, maybe a trusted relative. Look into your past. You need it. Thats my advice.

Hi. I'm sorry you've been experiencing similar issues. It's so difficult isn't it? Sometimes I just wish I could let people live inside my head for a day so they can experience it themselves. It's such a huge change to your life but it's difficult for others to comprehend that.

I'm sure your partner doesn't blame you. It's nobody's fault and its not a negative thing at all. Maybe they are struggling with trying to wrap their head around it? It's hard for people to put themselves in others shoes. I'm the same as you with researching it all. I want to know as much as possible about it so I can best support my kids. There is a LOT of information out there. Could they be struggling with trying to retain it all? Maybe they are overwhelmed by it? I find it easier if I have it on paper physically in front of me. I have a big file full of stuff that I have to keep going back to. 

My partner is understanding. I'm almost certain he is also neurodivergent and he has trouble communicating so he doesn't say much... about anything really  But just knowing that he understands and doesn't judge is a massive help and makes me feel less 'weird'.

I'm definitely going to be on the look out for some kind of group to meet more people like us. I really do think that is key to it all. I mean, just making this post and reading these awesome replies has already made me feel so much better.

I truly hope you find what you're looking for. And I wish you the best of luck with everything too. Thankyou for taking the time to read my post, I appreciate it.

Hey there

Sorry to hear about your family member and lack of support. I have the same problem with my partner so understand how it can feel like you’re holding your frustration in all the time. I have basically given up trying to educate my partner as she doesn’t have the ability to be mindful. My youngest son is autistic and she is ok with him but doesn’t put in half the time or effort to research the topic as I have . I can only presume that maybe she blames me for our son being on the spectrum. I have never written that before but thought it for long enough. 
Is your partner supportive? I hope they are and at least you have that, after all I guess you are around them for far more time than your mother. 
I agree with DontTry, go find some people that you know you will connect with and if you’re not sure give it a go anyway. Someone told me that friends are the family you choose for yourself. 
I do agree with DontTry on the other point that there are no real friends, I can see through 99% of mine (which is a short list anyway). I just feel disappointed with their values and selfishness. Support groups are something I feel would be good and would like to try myself just to meet some of our own tribe.

Good luck and hope things become easier for you 

Haha. I welcome weirdos!

Yes, I have thought that maybe my Mum is also on the spectrum. I'm almost certain she has adhd. And you're right, she was brought up to think that way. Put up or shut up. Stiff upper lip and all that. She has always been very closed minded about things as well.

I just hoped she would be more accepting after being very involved in my daughter's diagnosis and learning all about it.

I will find my people and get the support I need and maybe just not try and talk to my Mum about it all just yet.

Thankyou for your advice. I'm so glad I posted this.

Thankyou that's some good advice. I'm so glad things are looking up for you now. I think I need to refocus and start making my needs a priority.

Yes, I agree, it's a good idea to get myself feeling better and then try to talk to my Mum about things. I guess I was just looking for some emotional support from her and when it was met with criticism instead it just knocked me back.

I am at the point where I am just trying to figure out which parts are me and which parts are the mask. Struggling a bit with it but it's very early days. 

I'm so looking forward to meeting people without feeling like I have to hide who I am or explain myself!

Wow you have given me some food for thought there! I really appreciate your reply it has truly made me look at things differently.

I've been a people pleaser all my life and felt guilty every time I've even sligjtly put my needs first but I think it is time now.

Thankyou