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Never felt more lonely since ASD diagnosis

Blue Raccoon

I was diagnosed a few weeks ago and initially I felt a huge wave of relief and burst into tears. Then I felt confusion and anxiety wondering if I will ever feel like I belong and wondering who I really am without the mask. And now I just feel so completely alone. I don't have many people in my life. Just my partner and children and my Mum. My Mum has always been unable to see things from other people's perspectives and is heavily critical of anything I do. But after having gone through the journey with me getting my own children diagnosed, I honestly thought she would be somewhat understanding when I got diagnosed myself. Instead she has been just the same as always and doesn't seem to understand that I really just struggle with life and have done for my entire life. I feel like if I try to take one step forward she is right there dragging me back three steps simply because she can't accept me for who I am. I think she thinks I can just snap out of it. I don't want to lose the only family I have around but I also don't want to keep being dragged back when I'm trying to progress. I have tried to talk to her but she is incredibly stubborn and can never accept that she is ever in the wrong. I just don't know what to do or who to turn to anymore. I feel so lost and lonely and I'm constantly worrying about what is going to happen in my future.

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  • Hey there

    Sorry to hear about your family member and lack of support. I have the same problem with my partner so understand how it can feel like you’re holding your frustration in all the time. I have basically given up trying to educate my partner as she doesn’t have the ability to be mindful. My youngest son is autistic and she is ok with him but doesn’t put in half the time or effort to research the topic as I have . I can only presume that maybe she blames me for our son being on the spectrum. I have never written that before but thought it for long enough. 
    Is your partner supportive? I hope they are and at least you have that, after all I guess you are around them for far more time than your mother. 
    I agree with DontTry, go find some people that you know you will connect with and if you’re not sure give it a go anyway. Someone told me that friends are the family you choose for yourself. 
    I do agree with DontTry on the other point that there are no real friends, I can see through 99% of mine (which is a short list anyway). I just feel disappointed with their values and selfishness. Support groups are something I feel would be good and would like to try myself just to meet some of our own tribe.

    Good luck and hope things become easier for you 

  • in reply to Take5

    Hi. I'm sorry you've been experiencing similar issues. It's so difficult isn't it? Sometimes I just wish I could let people live inside my head for a day so they can experience it themselves. It's such a huge change to your life but it's difficult for others to comprehend that.

    I'm sure your partner doesn't blame you. It's nobody's fault and its not a negative thing at all. Maybe they are struggling with trying to wrap their head around it? It's hard for people to put themselves in others shoes. I'm the same as you with researching it all. I want to know as much as possible about it so I can best support my kids. There is a LOT of information out there. Could they be struggling with trying to retain it all? Maybe they are overwhelmed by it? I find it easier if I have it on paper physically in front of me. I have a big file full of stuff that I have to keep going back to. 

    My partner is understanding. I'm almost certain he is also neurodivergent and he has trouble communicating so he doesn't say much... about anything really Sweat smile But just knowing that he understands and doesn't judge is a massive help and makes me feel less 'weird'.

    I'm definitely going to be on the look out for some kind of group to meet more people like us. I really do think that is key to it all. I mean, just making this post and reading these awesome replies has already made me feel so much better.

    I truly hope you find what you're looking for. And I wish you the best of luck with everything too. Thankyou for taking the time to read my post, I appreciate it.

  • in reply to Blue Raccoon

    Just to say, and when we are with someone is hard to explain in words, its not always possible our partner to be our friend in the way I described it, to share all and steam out, and there is a strong reason for it. In Psychology they use a term "conflicting agenda". When a mental health therapist has any kind of connection with the patient or the subject, they need to stop supporting them. This is because they will not be impartial . ie A male therapist who has experienced domestic abuse can not support a woman who has been given CBT for anger management following attacking her husband. (its a lame example, but I hope you get it.), or a therapist who knows a family member of the patient must stop seeing them.

    The issue here with Blue Raccoon's (BR from now) husband, regardless how good a husband can be, is that he is affected directly or indirectly by his mother in law. He is affected by BR being upset, or her mood going down when her mother say or do something. He most likely also experience this behaviour directly from the mother in law (ehem).

    So, in a sense, BR husband is BR. You cant have much of a conversation with your own problem, hence BR experiences loneliness and being lost sometimes, because she knows talking with her husband about her mother who affects them both in the same way, is only a down spiral for both partners of "she made me mad again, i have no mood, we will be grumpy all day, there will be no sex tonight... :p). 

    Yes, a good friend will help. I need to add here, I am totally against groups, but this is because I do not want to share with many people my personal situation. When I do, I feel I have spent my inside, my world, my reality, like a deck of cards, and now so people having one or two, and I feel it looses value, in a way, as if i disrespect my cosmos.

    It is also dangerous. People know people. remember the "Six degrees of separation". Remember I told you find a friend, but make sure you trust them to open up and let it all out. Remember i told you I don't trust people, and who doesnt? Well what odds you think you have to find a jerk in a group of 10 people? The answer is plenty.

    Find that old friend, maybe a trusted relative. Look into your past. You need it. Thats my advice.

  • in reply to DontTry

    Strangely enough, an old school friend who was always there for me got in touch with me yesterday! After not speaking for years. What are the odds?! So strange. The one and only person from school who I would say fits your description to a tee.

    With regards to groups I understand what you're saying. I'm more interested in them just to meet more people who understand me. So I have a place to go to not feel so 'odd one out'.

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  • in reply to DontTry

    Strangely enough, an old school friend who was always there for me got in touch with me yesterday! After not speaking for years. What are the odds?! So strange. The one and only person from school who I would say fits your description to a tee.

    With regards to groups I understand what you're saying. I'm more interested in them just to meet more people who understand me. So I have a place to go to not feel so 'odd one out'.

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