Never felt more lonely since ASD diagnosis

First, congrats on your diagnosis. It is only a positive thing to know why you are how you are on certain things, like your traits for example.

About mothers, a very respectful Dr said once two important things:

1. Your mother will be disappointed anyway.
2. Since your mother is the problem, maybe bring her here and I will treat her so you get better too. How that sounds?

Well, he was right. And the fact was I was trying to do to my mother what she has been doing all my life, to change me. From being so judgmental to be totally understanding. How that can happen with anyone? We are who we are in the brain, we may change some beliefs based on information but culture and upbringing and their unique situation when they were kids, will never match ours.

That conscious or unconscious fight to change each other make people go back and forth, feel they are dragged back etc etc

Your post, is all about your mother, I've been there, I feel you. Let me take it out of the way for you, she will never change, and she will never go away. So no worries you will loose her, and you bet you will get more of the same from her. The only way to loose her is if you decide to do it. Even if she stop calling, just call her, you will getting the old good mommy you know.

Next time she says something, do not be upset, dont argue it, end it by saying: "Thats a good point, I didn't think about it. Thank you, I'll give it some thought."

Its so simple.

But hey, another thing this Dr also said to me was: "Your friends, are Gods apology for your relatives".

I will not go say something silly like "go make some friends" because I am a 50 years old Aspie and in a nutshell what I learned in life about friends is there are no real friends. People come and go in our life like comets and sometimes crash on you and leave a big mark. Its a dice, it can happen you could get an angel, but dont hold your breath for it. Thats all there is. But, I really hope for you is different and better than my pessimistic view on them.

But, if you can have anything close to that, someone you can really trust, wants nothing from you, maybe an old school buddy (Facebook works for amateur stalking :p Bad joke?), really try go back in your memories and find one, just anyone that comes in mind yoi had that special link, to feel free to talk about all the BS of life, and you will laugh it off with them (but make sure it is one you can trust), well then you will go easier on this issue we all have with mothers and a tonne more we get from life itself.

Mothers will be disappointed anyway. I am sure if you look carefully, she always had something to say, always! Its an OCD thing with them.

But here's the most important thing you can do for yourself. Stay here, or any other forum and if you don't have much to say, just read. Now you know your tribe, read about the people you belong. You will be SO pleasantly surprised, that all the things you thought were wrong with you, are actually 100% normal, and its only other peoples, Neurotypicals (NT) they act like our mommy.

Now, if you have that friend, or if you need to find one from the past and get back to them, just go do it. Now. Like Johnny did in Cobra Kai and found Ali. I bet you will feel great doing it and when you do, poure your heart out, cry, laugh, be angry, have it all with them.

Dont waste your life for anyone.

Tomorrow is not promised to anyone.

So, I have two questions for you:

1. If that was your last day on earth, would you connect with people that trigger you or people who make you feel good?
2. What are you waiting for?

Smile.

Sorry to hear it hasn't gone well,

I had my diagnosis in February, it felt similar to what you described, initially a relief from knowing what it is I've been battling with all my life, but then a negative feeling of not knowing who I really am, if I'll ever fit in, will people ever understand and so on.

Things have improved a bit since then, I think it takes time to process the emotions and thoughts, you're the same person you always were, but now you know why you've always been struggling with certain things it's hard to not focus on them even more. Realising how much you might have been masking for years is also a bit unsettling, wondering which you is the real one is a tad scary and disorienting. so don't be too disheartened, hopefully you'll start to feel better as time goes on and things will feel clearer.

This community is great when it comes to finding people who think and feel the same and have gone through the same issues and genuinely want to help eachother, being autistic makes it difficult to completely understand other people, but being around others that are similar really helps, even if it's just online.

Maybe wait till you're a bit more settled about yourself and have your emotional strength back fully and then have a sit down talk with your mum and try and make your point to her. You should focus on making sure you're ok first and have the energy and clarity to deal with it. There's also a chance that maybe she's having some issues processing it all too.

I found some people close to me seem to have their own views on my condition and at first it aggravated me, but i know they care deeply and maybe some of them won't ever fully understand how I feel every day, I guess that's acceptable too.

Take care, hope you feel better about things soon.

Blue Raccoon said:

Then I felt confusion and anxiety wondering if I will ever feel like I belong and wondering who I really am without the mask. And now I just feel so completely alone.

I would recommend finding a therapist to help you though this stage - make sure they are well versed with autism though. Tell them what you want help with and work on the areas that are causing you most distress.

I found it invaluable after my diagnosis in my 50s.

Blue Raccoon said:

My Mum has always been unable to see things from other people's perspectives and is heavily critical of anything I do

A good thing to consider here is that because autism it typically hereditary, your mum may also have autistic traits and was probably raised in an era when you were expected to just suck it up and deal with it - then get on as if nothing happened. This was my experience growing up and the responses you develop / armour you grow makes you less tolerant of people who don't use the same approach.

It would be much better if she offered more support but if she is autistic herself then empathy may be elusive for her.

Dealing with the pressures from your mum and the struggle to find your assertiveness is something the therapist should be able to help with too.

The people on this forum are probably the best support mechanism you will have next to a decent therapist so don't be shy to vent or ask questions here - there is a wealth of experience and knowledge (and a few weirdos too LOL) to draw on for whatever you want help with.

Welcome to the club.

Hi Lucy.

Thankyou for your reply and I'm so sorry to hear you went through similar issues with your Mother. I can't understand it. I could never invalidate my daughters like that.

Its still pretty early days so I haven't properly explored what kind of support is around yet but I have started looking which is what lead me here. To be honest I thought I would have more support from those closest to me but I will put my efforts into looking elsewhere. I would love to meet more people who I can actually relate to and who can relate to me. It sucks feeling so alien all the time

Hello Blue Racoon,

I am sorry to read about your recent diagnosis and the lack of understanding from your Mother. I had the same issue with my own Mother but moved on with my life. No one should make you feel bad. Sadly, some family's are not accepting of an autism diagnosis.

You say you are lonely but I wonder if you have any local autism groups/NAS? Many hold social events and get togethers which allow you to meet others on the spectrum. I love meeting other austies. I hope you are able to find such a group.