I hate my life, being autistic and so broken that the NHS won't touch me

Yeh I know it’s not as easy as ‘leaving it all behind you’. Sometimes you’ve got to accept what you can’t change. That’s a hard thing to do. Accepting the past for what it is is hard but not impossible. Sometimes it does take time to do that though. You said you find it hard to connect with others. Do you struggle with bonding with people your own age too? I sometimes struggle with that too. I guess I do feel inhibited at times and like it’s hard to just chat. When I was a kid adults were always saying ‘cat got your tongue?’. Which just means can you not speak? I felt like I couldn’t which lead me to feeling defeated and beaten. So I can understand where your coming from in that sense.

At least you can afford therapy. Count your blessings.

I have to many problems and to much damage. I have been in therapy for years and it is not getting better. Finding out that I am autistic doesn't make it better because now I know that I wasn't imagining it, but that I am so alone and isolated and disconnected because I am autistic too and not just broken because of my childhood. 

People say I need to leave it all behind me that it's not how it works. 

Sorry to hear you feel that way. I used to feel the same way but I kept fighting and I with age and maturity I began to feel a bit better. I didn’t want to be here at one point but I realised I had to keep fighting so I could make something of my life because I had the motivation somewhere inside to make something of my life. I’m not there yet but life has been better. All I can say is it does get better if you work on yourself by doing stuff like walks, listen to music, drink water and go to social events/groups. It sounds like you have low self esteem. When you were saying about other people being loved. These people you’re talking about probably only have the success they do in life because it started with loving themselves first. That might be the root of your issues. Try loving yourself and forgiving yourself. Not one of us is perfect. We all have our flaws and mistakes in life. 

Well, I'm being treated the same way by this forum, so I figured there was no better place to reply to see whether I am still being blocked. Hello?

I wrote NAS and never received a response. I need help and support, but I have to do everything by myself. I have no family or anyone. 

I cannot connect to people like others do, apart from all that mental stuff I am autistic as well

well, I have been told that I have personality disturbances. Which is so demeaning, but probably just explains why I am so ***** up [edited by moderator]

I will never get myself together and I am never invited to anything special. I am just A friend, I am not really important to anyone. I could just vanish and very quickly I would be forgotten. 

I am so broken so that I am being refused diagnosis, which says a lot. 

I don't want to be here anymore. 

I am getting help, but it won't change that I have personality disturbances and sever complex trauma. I am so damaged that I won't ever find love

thank you for your kind words, but life just sucks for me

Oh no don’t say that, you’re very valuable. You are loved. I guess your friends might be distancing themselves because they don’t know how to help. Once you get yourself together your friends won’t be keeping you at arms length anymore. You just gotta figure out what’s bothering you and get some help. You’re not wasting space at all. You deserve to be here as much as the next person you’re no better or worse than anyone else. You’re right people who are loved are dying in accidents and from other causes. That’s why life is valuable and precious. If you need to talk to someone we’re all here for you on the forums. This is a safe place to be.