I hate my life, being autistic and so broken that the NHS won't touch me

Oh no don’t say that, you’re very valuable. You are loved. I guess your friends might be distancing themselves because they don’t know how to help. Once you get yourself together your friends won’t be keeping you at arms length anymore. You just gotta figure out what’s bothering you and get some help. You’re not wasting space at all. You deserve to be here as much as the next person you’re no better or worse than anyone else. You’re right people who are loved are dying in accidents and from other causes. That’s why life is valuable and precious. If you need to talk to someone we’re all here for you on the forums. This is a safe place to be.

I will never get myself together and I am never invited to anything special. I am just A friend, I am not really important to anyone. I could just vanish and very quickly I would be forgotten. 

I am so broken so that I am being refused diagnosis, which says a lot. 

I don't want to be here anymore. 

I am getting help, but it won't change that I have personality disturbances and sever complex trauma. I am so damaged that I won't ever find love

thank you for your kind words, but life just sucks for me

Sorry to hear you feel that way. I used to feel the same way but I kept fighting and I with age and maturity I began to feel a bit better. I didn’t want to be here at one point but I realised I had to keep fighting so I could make something of my life because I had the motivation somewhere inside to make something of my life. I’m not there yet but life has been better. All I can say is it does get better if you work on yourself by doing stuff like walks, listen to music, drink water and go to social events/groups. It sounds like you have low self esteem. When you were saying about other people being loved. These people you’re talking about probably only have the success they do in life because it started with loving themselves first. That might be the root of your issues. Try loving yourself and forgiving yourself. Not one of us is perfect. We all have our flaws and mistakes in life. 

Sorry to hear you feel that way. I used to feel the same way but I kept fighting and I with age and maturity I began to feel a bit better. I didn’t want to be here at one point but I realised I had to keep fighting so I could make something of my life because I had the motivation somewhere inside to make something of my life. I’m not there yet but life has been better. All I can say is it does get better if you work on yourself by doing stuff like walks, listen to music, drink water and go to social events/groups. It sounds like you have low self esteem. When you were saying about other people being loved. These people you’re talking about probably only have the success they do in life because it started with loving themselves first. That might be the root of your issues. Try loving yourself and forgiving yourself. Not one of us is perfect. We all have our flaws and mistakes in life. 

Sorry to hear the state you are in, most of us with any disability were in a similar state to you because we were convinced by the majority that we're 'less human'. 

I just stopped caring about what everyone else thought about my life and started caring more about my own values. There's no objective definition of what 'quality of life' is, the people we see as people with the greatest lives can have a lower quality of life than ourselves. 

Overall, quality of life is self-determined, it depends on how we view life. Like when younger I saw disability as a bad thing, but once I changed my point of view and how I looked at disability I stopped seeing it as a bad thing or as something wrong with me, I just began seeing it as a part of life. 

Sorry about that, constant apologizing is a common tract in people that lived in abusive environment. Abusive people love to make their victims feel so unwanted that they feel the need to apologize about existing.

There are a lot of resources available on Reddit about C-PTSD, maybe you can check them out.  

It's not you dude. It's me having had to be this way around what used to be family. Constantly misunderstanding, miscommunicating and getting mad at me. I'm still trying to unmask the faux person I was and it comes back through incessant apology as it was how I protected myself most of my life, if that makes any sense.

Mate, please, stop walking on eggshells around me. I am an adult, not a fragile little snowflake. There is no need to apologise for such a comment. 

I apologize if I came off rude as it wasn't my intention. I was simply giving context to the connotation of what you wrote when I saw a negative and wanted to explain it to help both you and the people your trying to help. This wasn't an attack, just an observation. I hope you understand and I'll shut about it now.  Thank you for letting me know how to check who did what.

You can click on the number to check the voters, if you really care about that (I do not).

I don't know who gave you a negative but I'll explain why they did. What your statement implied was sympathy which is the equivalent of if someone said "I just lost my youngest son" and you said "Well at least you have 1 left."

It sounds brutal but humans understand subconsciously, the context of words and statements(especially when reading them from another person) even if they aren't aware of it. Phases like 'It flows off the tongue incorrectly' emphasize that truth.

I apologize if I said anything that came off as offensive. I consider everyone like us to be in the same boat and don't wish to put anyone down, just help if I can. I didn't want you wondering why someone gave a negative my guess is sympathy instead of empathy.

Empathy is if someone said "I just lost my youngest son" and you said "I cannot fathom your loss, I'm here for you whenever you need me." That shows you care and doesn't add negative connotations to the subtext of your message if that makes sense.

Yeh I know it’s not as easy as ‘leaving it all behind you’. Sometimes you’ve got to accept what you can’t change. That’s a hard thing to do. Accepting the past for what it is is hard but not impossible. Sometimes it does take time to do that though. You said you find it hard to connect with others. Do you struggle with bonding with people your own age too? I sometimes struggle with that too. I guess I do feel inhibited at times and like it’s hard to just chat. When I was a kid adults were always saying ‘cat got your tongue?’. Which just means can you not speak? I felt like I couldn’t which lead me to feeling defeated and beaten. So I can understand where your coming from in that sense.

At least you can afford therapy. Count your blessings.

I have to many problems and to much damage. I have been in therapy for years and it is not getting better. Finding out that I am autistic doesn't make it better because now I know that I wasn't imagining it, but that I am so alone and isolated and disconnected because I am autistic too and not just broken because of my childhood. 

People say I need to leave it all behind me that it's not how it works.