I hate my life, being autistic and so broken that the NHS won't touch me

Sorry to hear the state you are in, most of us with any disability were in a similar state to you because we were convinced by the majority that we're 'less human'. 

I just stopped caring about what everyone else thought about my life and started caring more about my own values. There's no objective definition of what 'quality of life' is, the people we see as people with the greatest lives can have a lower quality of life than ourselves. 

Overall, quality of life is self-determined, it depends on how we view life. Like when younger I saw disability as a bad thing, but once I changed my point of view and how I looked at disability I stopped seeing it as a bad thing or as something wrong with me, I just began seeing it as a part of life. 

Sorry about that, constant apologizing is a common tract in people that lived in abusive environment. Abusive people love to make their victims feel so unwanted that they feel the need to apologize about existing.

There are a lot of resources available on Reddit about C-PTSD, maybe you can check them out.  

It's not you dude. It's me having had to be this way around what used to be family. Constantly misunderstanding, miscommunicating and getting mad at me. I'm still trying to unmask the faux person I was and it comes back through incessant apology as it was how I protected myself most of my life, if that makes any sense.

Mate, please, stop walking on eggshells around me. I am an adult, not a fragile little snowflake. There is no need to apologise for such a comment. 

I apologize if I came off rude as it wasn't my intention. I was simply giving context to the connotation of what you wrote when I saw a negative and wanted to explain it to help both you and the people your trying to help. This wasn't an attack, just an observation. I hope you understand and I'll shut about it now.  Thank you for letting me know how to check who did what.

You can click on the number to check the voters, if you really care about that (I do not).

I don't know who gave you a negative but I'll explain why they did. What your statement implied was sympathy which is the equivalent of if someone said "I just lost my youngest son" and you said "Well at least you have 1 left."

It sounds brutal but humans understand subconsciously, the context of words and statements(especially when reading them from another person) even if they aren't aware of it. Phases like 'It flows off the tongue incorrectly' emphasize that truth.

I apologize if I said anything that came off as offensive. I consider everyone like us to be in the same boat and don't wish to put anyone down, just help if I can. I didn't want you wondering why someone gave a negative my guess is sympathy instead of empathy.

Empathy is if someone said "I just lost my youngest son" and you said "I cannot fathom your loss, I'm here for you whenever you need me." That shows you care and doesn't add negative connotations to the subtext of your message if that makes sense.

You are not wasting space. You were created for a reason. There are lots of people on here that don't like their lives, you're not alone. You are worth the space and air and food and water and everything. You're not a waste of materials, you're worth it. I realize that I just repeated the same statement in different ways 3 times, but I'm leaving it that way. You're worth it.

I can empathize completely. At 40 I haven't had a friend in 7 years, my own brother won't speak to me because I verbally attacked our now dead drunken father for leaving us at 13. I understand but don't take my advice if others say it's incorrect as I have only accepted my autism in the last 6 months however I would say to a younger person, don't try to get them to understand. It's probably a 1 in 9  chance based on my life experience using 3x the energy for each person that you'll ever break through to them and if you don't, you waste the energy you could use on your gifts from seeing the world differently than 90% of humanity.

My advice to my younger self thus to anyone else would be, focus your energy on your passions, ignore what others say to you as they cannot begin to comprehend your level of endurance and strength going against the NT current.

Use your passion to elevate yourself, the more you fulfill the things you love, the greater the strength you'll have to endure them.

NAS80873 said:

people that are being loved and with good lives are being killed or die in accidents and I am just wasting space and air. 

What you said here is a testament to your philosophical AND emotional intellect. I'll tell you a story that illustrates how much I relate and understand your statement.

I had a psychologist since 13 when my father left. He saw me for free at 19 when I lost my insurance. At 28 I had clinically died from 1 self-deletion attempt. At the same time I am telling my psychologist who is a friend by this time, almost a father figure, (his son (28) died of lung cancer) , that I want to be gone from this life because I cannot fit in and nobody seems to understand or more importantly listen to what I have to say, like speaking a language no one around me understand.

Your words reminded me of how I thought about it. Here I am, wishing I could die in any way possible, his son had everything going for him and was taken. I asked the same exact question you did.  Those who are loved and have good lives always die by tragedy and my miserable ass will probably have to live to 80.

You are NOT wasting space and air however my friend. You are just now figuring out what's going on and that while NTs have 0 chains attached to them, you have roughly 9, the number of them to you thus you must over extend yourself to get them to listen which is why I would say to my younger self, don't try so hard for them, but use that effort your capable of to try 3x for you.

The two best pieces of advice I can give based off my own experience are 1) Put yourself first, it's unlikely anyone else will in this kind of world and 2) The ND community are your friends and family as I have come to realize, what takes 3x the time and energy to explain to anyone in my life, takes no effort with them. I hope you stick around. I think we have similar stories but you're younger and still have a good chance at life.

I can relate, I don't have any friends or family

Awesome answer Catwoman. *Slap*!!

Extra bonus for the concept of being "pathologised"

My box of sharp retorts just got another long "phillps screwdriver"..

I've never understood the term "personality disorders", it seems like a catch all diagnosis for people who are obviously suffering that don't fit into a discrete pigeon hole, like bi-polar for example. Who told you you have '..personality disturbances.'? I was once asked by someone if I thought I had a personality disorder and I told them that after years of therapy, hard work on self development and the money I'd spent on it, it was an expensive personality and I was sticking with it because I like who I am now and if they didn't like me they could go and boil thier head and stop trying to pathologise me.

completely agree here ! i had this conversation with myself yesterday, whilst im having kind of unusual interactions with peiple throughout the day, i feel a little bit uneasy.. but when i go away on my own i think 'i could adapt who i am constantly to fit every person i dont quite gel properly with, but Im a great person and im awesome, so why would i? now and then we meet a person who we will get on great with and its worth just being our authenti selves to wait to meet that one person , because if we did adapt who we were, we wouldnt gel with the right person when we do meet them'

if anyone wants to inbox me , im only ever semi busy. only sleep a few hours so available most of the time on whatsapp for a chat or support or whatever <3

Sorry to hear that. Topically enough, this is a test message.

NAS80873 said:

I wrote NAS and never received a response.

It may be just down to the way you phrased the request.

It always helps to be specific with what you need help with, even if it is just for one aspect of a legion of issues you are dealing with.

It is unlikely that you could adope an approach to solve a load of problems at the same time, but finding one at a time and taking them on is likely to have an effect.

I've been where you are now and I only found the way out by finding the positive things in life, however tenuous (eg looking forward to the next coffee break at work, or to feed the squirrels in the park) and find ways to cope with the dark stuff one bit at a time.

Never expect anyone to come along and help you - seek it out, ask for it and work with them on the issue if they are up for helping - there are still good people out there who do this.

Most of us are autistic and mental on here, so this is a club where you should feel right at home.

You say you've had years of therapy and now you've been diagnosed as ASD, well I'd say that shows the therapy is working, because you've stripped away enough layers of accumulated trauma to start finding the real you. ASD isn't a death sentence, its a state of being, OK there's some people you don't get on with and have moved away from, thats what happens in life, especially when you enter therapy. The point of therapy is to become more authentically you, if others don't like your authenticity then pity them, not yourself.

I bet that a lot of people on here would want to be your friend. You should ask someone. Friends are so important, and even if you can't have in-person friends, online friends help too. Also, it sometimes is easier to connect to people through text (also sometimes harder).

 i feel a bit like this a lot of the time, seems like any time i try to interact socially i just freak people out they dont know what i am they dont know how to respond and it feels like they dont want to talk to me and want me to go away, it makes me feel like i should just stay by myself all the time which tends to lead to loneliness and depression... are you keeping on top of self care - food exercise sleep?

You are connecting here well enough.

If you've got Autism to a similar extent to me, your problem is the speed of real world communication plus all the lying and meaningless crap you have to wade though, PLUS of course the miscommunicatiosn that can make every attempt to "Straighten up and lfy right" to end in disaster.

Have I got that right? 

test.