Published on 12, July, 2020
I had my annual performance review at work this week. I had been concerned that I was under performing. I am in the maximum possible grade in a very complex and ridiculously highly paid job, but I’m only productive for a few hours per week and have felt vulnerable for a while now. But my boss told me that I am “exceptional” and that the executive leadership team have awarded me an exceptional pay rise as a result.
But I feel like I am barely functioning. I have no social network, no family. Today someone at work asked me why I was impersonating a T rex. I realised I was holding my arms and hands in a way I thought I only did when I’m alone.
I’m a complete mess but the people around me seem to think I’m thriving.
Life just seems like one big elaborate game. Nothing is real.
Am I the only person who feels like this?
Maybe your personal standard of "under performance" is actually other people's standard of "high achiever." Don't put yourself down over the amount of work that you produce for the company. Compared to other people, your output of work has been exceptional and was noticed and rewarded. At least they are acknowledging the work you do. Some employers never acknowledge the hard work that their employees do, so at least you have a good source of income for the amount of work you're doing.
But that kind of success probably doesn't matter to you as much to you as having a social network of people who are close to you in your life, and you feel like you're missing having friends and family, and supportive people in your life.
But you know, I think that having success in your career attracts people to you, since they know you and admire you for your work. Hopefully you'll take this as an opportunity to make connections with others. It's a lot easier having people approach you because they like who you are and what you do, rather than you having to approach others and trying to convince them that you're worth something as a human being.