Published on 12, July, 2020
Just wanted to put at the start this this post does mention suicide, just so you're aware.
TW Suicide.
I've been struggling with change a lot lately and I've noticed my anxiety is worse than it normally is and my sensory overload is quite sensitive, everything is triggering me and I'm not sure if it's where my autism is getting worse the older I'm getting or if it's because of grief and the changes that occurred for me personally in 2023.
Last year I felt my first experience of grief. It's been seven months since my sister committed suicide and I'm still struggling with this massive change. At first I was numb to her loss, I still feel bad for not feeling anything. It was like a cut that didn't hurt and now the cut is alive, burning like it's been ignited. My mind is trying to process her loss and what happened and cope at the same time with my own life and the here and now. I have so many questions, so many why's and how's, and I'm not able to answer any of them.
The rest of my family don't get affected like me. They processed it and moved on when this first happened, they still grieve but not like they did. No one else in my house is autistic and I don't think they understand what it's like to still be struggling to process what happened. I have tried explaining it but no one else gets it.
On a good note I have my first therapy session tomorrow morning. My GP referred me as he thought it would do me good to talk to somebody who can help me with my autism and explore how I'm feeling and unable to process and understand. I've been lucky enough to get an autistic specialist therapist, so I'm really hoping she will understand me and be able to understand and help.
I don't suffer depression, but, I do struggle to understand my autism and how I feel and how it affects me so I'm hopeful that things will improve after my first session tomorrow.
we are all so unique. SunSpot will find their way. It just may be not where they can hear you or I.
I received no reply, to my offer to "listen" and when I click on his I.D. I no longer have the ability to P.M him.
Maybe it was not so good...
good he has you to PM with. Good on ya.
I've sent him a P.M. He seems to want someone to listen..
um, how is all this relevant to the premise of the thread?
And they demand to maintain this illusion that as a part of the West, they're a civilized country and not a corner of the Middle East or Belfast. So all of their sophistication and effort come not in decrying brutality, but in concealing it so that they can get a leg up when it's their turn to do slimy, evil things, like exploiting people who inherently have trouble communicating.
No, and they wanted to pick a fight with me. In the parking lot of a church. And then to search my truck. You know what I told them? To take a hike."They shall put you out of the synagogues: yea, the time cometh, that whosoever killeth you will think that he doeth God service" John 16:2
To kill you and do God a service. How adjacent is killing someone to sending men with guns after them? I'm sick of this rotten planet.
That's the real psychopathy. Hurting people. Yours is a defense mechanism. Incidentally I was chased out of a church and I had the FBI called on me for wearing body armor to a church because dirty American politicians were persecuting me. Does that sound familiar? Psychopaths are what the world is full of, and they think some human beings are prey animals instead of people.
Bear in mind that if you get down yourself while surrounded by predators, they hear a dinner bell.
I have a bit of an awkward defense mechanism when it comes to grief. Death in particular. As if I'm not awkward enough as it is.
I turn into a complete psychopath!
Only in that I shut out everything to do with the loss. I completely ignore everything and everyone.
When I knew my dad was lying in hospital dying. I didn't go to see him nor did I go to the funeral. Now all my siblings don't speak to me anymore.
I'll do exactly the same with all future bereavement. I don't care who doesn't like it. It's how I do things.
We do handle things differently, it's hard finding people who understand this though, most people dismiss and get it completely wrong. Most of the people in my house think I need to try harder in everything I do, like if I'm anxious I need to stop being anxious... Easier said than done though, they can never present the answer on how to stop being anxious. Thankfully this is a very understanding community. We're all different but we understand which is lovely.
I find I feel like a robot a lot of the time lol as I can't really laugh or cry. I don't really understand or process my emotions that well, likely this is a lot of my problem. According to my therapist we'll discover this together so I'm hoping with her I'll be able to find some of the answers I've been looking for.
sunspot said:Nope, it's a way of trying to be positive, or at least to not stare into the abyss, and not everybody does it the same way.
So true!
I'm terribly sorry you have lost your dad. It's been hard losing my sister but I really cannot imagine how hard it must be losing a parent. I hope you're doing well x. I've got a lot of memories of my sister, we were very close and did a lot together, remembering some of our happiest times has helped me a lot though sometimes it's too painful to think about. I saw my therapist this morning and she's given me some great advice, one idea is to build a memory box for her which will be something I can look at when I'm missing her.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Death can affect you in so many ways, I think that's why it's so difficult to process. I'm also glad you have support when you need it. Loss is unfortunately a big part of life but when you have autism it can be so much more challenging to get through. But I'm told time heals by my therapist - saw her this morning and she's amazing!!! - so I'm holding on to that thought that given time things will gradually improve.
Oh, yes, and let me add a comment about the people who tell you that life is all about a positive outlook and motivationally willing yourself to realize your ideal through the power of your mind. Those same people will rag you for being depressed, but they will recoil at how weird you are for your actual coping mechanism, if you look away from something terrible and try to joke away the misery. Now you're callous or crazy. Nope, it's a way of trying to be positive, or at least to not stare into the abyss, and not everybody does it the same way.
There's no shame in handling things differently. I just read about how there is a certain laser-focus associated with autism, so it's not surprising that if something is too terrible to look at, you look away from it and leave in the background. Later, when you're ready, you look back, and it hits you. I've dealt with a lot of heavy emotions, and I look away at something else, and my emotional state changes a lot. I will go straight from being miserable to joking and laughing. Why? Because I need to laugh to feel better.
I lost my dad a few years ago, it takes time hold onto those memories, recordings or my late father etc help, I have aunties and uncles some people in regards to death and the passing of a loved one are fickle, my uncle was a clever man did model railways always doing something he died his wife worshipped him then when he died she moved on it was bizarre it’s not being lonely in old age as you get older. Counselling and talking therapy will help I found counselling helped a good therapist. Kind regards
I am really sorry to hear about your sister I lost my mum over 2 years ago from a heart condition and my dad has met someone and has moved from wales to Scotland to live with her. That happened in October last year and that has affected massively I have family near by and my sister is a phone call away I have support if needed. I sort of understand where you are coming from I grieve for my mum and the fact I have to live my life with total independence has also been a huge challenge for me.