Published on 12, July, 2020
Just wanted to put at the start this this post does mention suicide, just so you're aware.
TW Suicide.
I've been struggling with change a lot lately and I've noticed my anxiety is worse than it normally is and my sensory overload is quite sensitive, everything is triggering me and I'm not sure if it's where my autism is getting worse the older I'm getting or if it's because of grief and the changes that occurred for me personally in 2023.
Last year I felt my first experience of grief. It's been seven months since my sister committed suicide and I'm still struggling with this massive change. At first I was numb to her loss, I still feel bad for not feeling anything. It was like a cut that didn't hurt and now the cut is alive, burning like it's been ignited. My mind is trying to process her loss and what happened and cope at the same time with my own life and the here and now. I have so many questions, so many why's and how's, and I'm not able to answer any of them.
The rest of my family don't get affected like me. They processed it and moved on when this first happened, they still grieve but not like they did. No one else in my house is autistic and I don't think they understand what it's like to still be struggling to process what happened. I have tried explaining it but no one else gets it.
On a good note I have my first therapy session tomorrow morning. My GP referred me as he thought it would do me good to talk to somebody who can help me with my autism and explore how I'm feeling and unable to process and understand. I've been lucky enough to get an autistic specialist therapist, so I'm really hoping she will understand me and be able to understand and help.
I don't suffer depression, but, I do struggle to understand my autism and how I feel and how it affects me so I'm hopeful that things will improve after my first session tomorrow.
I lost my dad a few years ago, it takes time hold onto those memories, recordings or my late father etc help, I have aunties and uncles some people in regards to death and the passing of a loved one are fickle, my uncle was a clever man did model railways always doing something he died his wife worshipped him then when he died she moved on it was bizarre it’s not being lonely in old age as you get older. Counselling and talking therapy will help I found counselling helped a good therapist. Kind regards
I'm terribly sorry you have lost your dad. It's been hard losing my sister but I really cannot imagine how hard it must be losing a parent. I hope you're doing well x. I've got a lot of memories of my sister, we were very close and did a lot together, remembering some of our happiest times has helped me a lot though sometimes it's too painful to think about. I saw my therapist this morning and she's given me some great advice, one idea is to build a memory box for her which will be something I can look at when I'm missing her.