Published on 12, July, 2020
Just wanted to put at the start this this post does mention suicide, just so you're aware.
TW Suicide.
I've been struggling with change a lot lately and I've noticed my anxiety is worse than it normally is and my sensory overload is quite sensitive, everything is triggering me and I'm not sure if it's where my autism is getting worse the older I'm getting or if it's because of grief and the changes that occurred for me personally in 2023.
Last year I felt my first experience of grief. It's been seven months since my sister committed suicide and I'm still struggling with this massive change. At first I was numb to her loss, I still feel bad for not feeling anything. It was like a cut that didn't hurt and now the cut is alive, burning like it's been ignited. My mind is trying to process her loss and what happened and cope at the same time with my own life and the here and now. I have so many questions, so many why's and how's, and I'm not able to answer any of them.
The rest of my family don't get affected like me. They processed it and moved on when this first happened, they still grieve but not like they did. No one else in my house is autistic and I don't think they understand what it's like to still be struggling to process what happened. I have tried explaining it but no one else gets it.
On a good note I have my first therapy session tomorrow morning. My GP referred me as he thought it would do me good to talk to somebody who can help me with my autism and explore how I'm feeling and unable to process and understand. I've been lucky enough to get an autistic specialist therapist, so I'm really hoping she will understand me and be able to understand and help.
I don't suffer depression, but, I do struggle to understand my autism and how I feel and how it affects me so I'm hopeful that things will improve after my first session tomorrow.
I have a bit of an awkward defense mechanism when it comes to grief. Death in particular. As if I'm not awkward enough as it is.
I turn into a complete psychopath!
Only in that I shut out everything to do with the loss. I completely ignore everything and everyone.
When I knew my dad was lying in hospital dying. I didn't go to see him nor did I go to the funeral. Now all my siblings don't speak to me anymore.
I'll do exactly the same with all future bereavement. I don't care who doesn't like it. It's how I do things.
Bear in mind that if you get down yourself while surrounded by predators, they hear a dinner bell.
That's the real psychopathy. Hurting people. Yours is a defense mechanism. Incidentally I was chased out of a church and I had the FBI called on me for wearing body armor to a church because dirty American politicians were persecuting me. Does that sound familiar? Psychopaths are what the world is full of, and they think some human beings are prey animals instead of people.
we are all so unique. SunSpot will find their way. It just may be not where they can hear you or I.
I received no reply, to my offer to "listen" and when I click on his I.D. I no longer have the ability to P.M him.
Maybe it was not so good...
good he has you to PM with. Good on ya.
I've sent him a P.M. He seems to want someone to listen..
um, how is all this relevant to the premise of the thread?
And they demand to maintain this illusion that as a part of the West, they're a civilized country and not a corner of the Middle East or Belfast. So all of their sophistication and effort come not in decrying brutality, but in concealing it so that they can get a leg up when it's their turn to do slimy, evil things, like exploiting people who inherently have trouble communicating.
No, and they wanted to pick a fight with me. In the parking lot of a church. And then to search my truck. You know what I told them? To take a hike."They shall put you out of the synagogues: yea, the time cometh, that whosoever killeth you will think that he doeth God service" John 16:2
To kill you and do God a service. How adjacent is killing someone to sending men with guns after them? I'm sick of this rotten planet.