Published on 12, July, 2020
Just wanted to put at the start this this post does mention suicide, just so you're aware.
TW Suicide.
I've been struggling with change a lot lately and I've noticed my anxiety is worse than it normally is and my sensory overload is quite sensitive, everything is triggering me and I'm not sure if it's where my autism is getting worse the older I'm getting or if it's because of grief and the changes that occurred for me personally in 2023.
Last year I felt my first experience of grief. It's been seven months since my sister committed suicide and I'm still struggling with this massive change. At first I was numb to her loss, I still feel bad for not feeling anything. It was like a cut that didn't hurt and now the cut is alive, burning like it's been ignited. My mind is trying to process her loss and what happened and cope at the same time with my own life and the here and now. I have so many questions, so many why's and how's, and I'm not able to answer any of them.
The rest of my family don't get affected like me. They processed it and moved on when this first happened, they still grieve but not like they did. No one else in my house is autistic and I don't think they understand what it's like to still be struggling to process what happened. I have tried explaining it but no one else gets it.
On a good note I have my first therapy session tomorrow morning. My GP referred me as he thought it would do me good to talk to somebody who can help me with my autism and explore how I'm feeling and unable to process and understand. I've been lucky enough to get an autistic specialist therapist, so I'm really hoping she will understand me and be able to understand and help.
I don't suffer depression, but, I do struggle to understand my autism and how I feel and how it affects me so I'm hopeful that things will improve after my first session tomorrow.
I am really sorry to hear about your sister I lost my mum over 2 years ago from a heart condition and my dad has met someone and has moved from wales to Scotland to live with her. That happened in October last year and that has affected massively I have family near by and my sister is a phone call away I have support if needed. I sort of understand where you are coming from I grieve for my mum and the fact I have to live my life with total independence has also been a huge challenge for me.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Death can affect you in so many ways, I think that's why it's so difficult to process. I'm also glad you have support when you need it. Loss is unfortunately a big part of life but when you have autism it can be so much more challenging to get through. But I'm told time heals by my therapist - saw her this morning and she's amazing!!! - so I'm holding on to that thought that given time things will gradually improve.