Published on 12, July, 2020
Just wanted to put at the start this this post does mention suicide, just so you're aware.
TW Suicide.
I've been struggling with change a lot lately and I've noticed my anxiety is worse than it normally is and my sensory overload is quite sensitive, everything is triggering me and I'm not sure if it's where my autism is getting worse the older I'm getting or if it's because of grief and the changes that occurred for me personally in 2023.
Last year I felt my first experience of grief. It's been seven months since my sister committed suicide and I'm still struggling with this massive change. At first I was numb to her loss, I still feel bad for not feeling anything. It was like a cut that didn't hurt and now the cut is alive, burning like it's been ignited. My mind is trying to process her loss and what happened and cope at the same time with my own life and the here and now. I have so many questions, so many why's and how's, and I'm not able to answer any of them.
The rest of my family don't get affected like me. They processed it and moved on when this first happened, they still grieve but not like they did. No one else in my house is autistic and I don't think they understand what it's like to still be struggling to process what happened. I have tried explaining it but no one else gets it.
On a good note I have my first therapy session tomorrow morning. My GP referred me as he thought it would do me good to talk to somebody who can help me with my autism and explore how I'm feeling and unable to process and understand. I've been lucky enough to get an autistic specialist therapist, so I'm really hoping she will understand me and be able to understand and help.
I don't suffer depression, but, I do struggle to understand my autism and how I feel and how it affects me so I'm hopeful that things will improve after my first session tomorrow.
There's no shame in handling things differently. I just read about how there is a certain laser-focus associated with autism, so it's not surprising that if something is too terrible to look at, you look away from it and leave in the background. Later, when you're ready, you look back, and it hits you. I've dealt with a lot of heavy emotions, and I look away at something else, and my emotional state changes a lot. I will go straight from being miserable to joking and laughing. Why? Because I need to laugh to feel better.
Oh, yes, and let me add a comment about the people who tell you that life is all about a positive outlook and motivationally willing yourself to realize your ideal through the power of your mind. Those same people will rag you for being depressed, but they will recoil at how weird you are for your actual coping mechanism, if you look away from something terrible and try to joke away the misery. Now you're callous or crazy. Nope, it's a way of trying to be positive, or at least to not stare into the abyss, and not everybody does it the same way.
We do handle things differently, it's hard finding people who understand this though, most people dismiss and get it completely wrong. Most of the people in my house think I need to try harder in everything I do, like if I'm anxious I need to stop being anxious... Easier said than done though, they can never present the answer on how to stop being anxious. Thankfully this is a very understanding community. We're all different but we understand which is lovely.
I find I feel like a robot a lot of the time lol as I can't really laugh or cry. I don't really understand or process my emotions that well, likely this is a lot of my problem. According to my therapist we'll discover this together so I'm hoping with her I'll be able to find some of the answers I've been looking for.
sunspot said:Nope, it's a way of trying to be positive, or at least to not stare into the abyss, and not everybody does it the same way.
So true!