Drowning Not Waving

Oh Lord!  I only wish I had words to make that feel any better.

You are very welcome.  I agree with you - best to ask, straight off the bat.  The fact that we autists can "ask and answer" questions here that might be deemed "weird" or "forward" or "challenging" in the NT world is one of the most lovely aspects of this place, in my opinion.  It takes a great deal of "stewing" out of the equation for everyone.

Kindest regards.

Hey, no problem, language can be tricky at the best of times. Better to ask than stew over what you perceive might be happening!  I think we can all fall in to that trap sometimes.

Thanks for clarifying

No - it is neither a veiled criticism of your situation nor is it an endorsement of mine.

I am merely reporting my circumstances, feelings and reality.

Sorry for causing any confusion about this with my intractable and/or excessively blunt writing style.

You are very fortunate.

"I don't put conditions upon them beyond that"

"I don't need them to agree with a label nor other construct" -

Is this a veiled critisism? i.e. you think I want my family members to agree to the 'label' of autism?? I certainly hope that is not what you are saying...

LongFerret said:

even though they won't accept me for who I am.

Thankfully, I do not consider this to be the case for me.  They have always accepted me for who I am.  It is only I who failed to accept myself until I discovered and accepted that I am autistic.

The fact that I am autistic is a fact that is more important to me than it is for my nearest and dearest.  This is a situation that I am very used to.  It is important to me that I know that only 14% of bear attacks on humans are fatal.......but you try getting other people interested about such facts.

I remain close to my small circle of nearest and dearest.  I am accepted.  I don't put conditions upon them beyond that.  I don't need them to agree with a label nor other construct.

I wonder if it because they dont understand so fail to find out more about what being autistic means? I think this response is common, even amongst the medical proffesionals. Perhaps some are autistic too. It just isnt recognised. How would they feel if it were them? 

1. It is hurtful. Its lonely. This is why we need to raise awareness of being autistic. 

I understand what you're saying Number, however, to my mind, the problem is that you can't choose your family, in other words you're stuck with them, and this means you're constantly trying to find a path through somehow, unless you simply cut them out of your life for good, but that is a very hard road. (One which I did try to stick with for many years).

I don't really know how a person would, make peace with it.

Also, I deliberately mention to them about autism, if it happens to come up for me. It took five hard years to get my diagnosis on top of a long long time in and out of MH services & I'm not going to suppress or deny who I am.

In some respects I am stuck accepting them for who they are, even though they won't accept me for who I am.

Hello LongFerret.

Yes, everything you have written above is my life experience too.  I have made peace with it - as a fact of my life.....along with autism.  I do mention my "differences in mode of thinking, perception and communication" when it is pertinent to do so, but I choose not to mention autism at those times because it would not help to convey the important message I am divulging at those times.

Unlike you, I do not generally find it hurtful, upsetting, depressing nor confusing that my particular challenges and reality are not regularly name-checked with autism.  I do not wish to discuss my autism with people who cannot understand......I have this place for that sustenance, understanding, advice support and companionship.

Thanks Dawn, I feel you are very lucky to have good people around you and I'm glad for you. I've got plenty of experience that if I challenge them even a bit, they vanish and I'm left even more isolated. One time, I challenged my late mother on something she was saying and she put the phone down on me! Bullies are good at training you to not 'go there' as you get punished with the silent treatment etc., etc. On one occasion my mother didn't speak to me for 18 months! I only have two immediate relatives left now, and one is having palliative care. So unfortunately it's not the time to have a confrontation.

I know for a fact that they do not have misconceptions such as mental illness or anything like that as I've said enough about autism to dispell that myth (without any acknowledgement). But I think the fact I was not invited to a couple of recent weddings shows how I am viewed!  I was the 'black sheep' long long before diagnosis! A sibling even sent me a birthday card once with a photo of a black sheep on it!! (yes - I did get very upset!)

In a lot of NT minds, autism seems to trigger the 'unpredictable lunatic' response, even when they know damn well you're not like that at all.  Maybe it's a convenient excuse to think that way.

I'm left having to swallow everything down, not nice to know your family don't really like you. It's just the way it is. But it is frustrating and makes me feel weirdly inadequate all the time.

Mercifully, my family, friends and colleagues have been very positive, but I gather yours in not an uncommon experience.

I'm sorry you are going through this, it must be quite isolating to have your reality just ignored like that.

Have you asked them why they don't seem to want to engage with it.  There might be a number of reasons, mostly I think to do with societal attitude and lack of understanding.  They may be embarrassed and just not know what to say, mistakenly think it's a mental illness, view it as some sort of "defect", have all sorts of misconceptions based on media portrayals of autism, be secretly worried that might be them too, worried it's their "fault" or that you'll blame your up bringing.  Could be all sorts of things.  

But you are right, there absolutely nothing you can do unless they are prepared to say why.  If they do, I guess that will be your opener to educate them.